Day off today! I stayed in bed till like 11:30. I finally filled out my lease crap. They only raised it by $60, thank goodness. Other than that, I went to the grocery store and the dollar store, where I got a birthday card/bag for Scott (not as fancy as my usual Etsy...oh well...no inspiration there of late) and some bunnies and eggs to put into the set, I briefly talked to Ashley (she's going back to karaoke again, they may move outside in March). Mostly in the afternoon I hiked around the parks.

I'm clearly falling back into my old habits. Finding hearts drawn on the sidewalk in several places, including a really nice drawing over by one of my yarn bombs. Red string tied to a fence. And when I raided a Little Free Library, I found a book called "The Heart's Necessities: Life in Poetry," which is a combination of poetry and biographical discussion of the poet Jane Tyson Clement. I hadn't heard of her and I'm not really into poetry most of the time anyway, but of course I flip to the chapter in which the poet meets her future husband. She's into him way before he's into her, and writes this poem two months into acquaintance:

"It was the simplest thing that made me see you did not care a fig for me; no great denunciation and no thunder contrived to tear our hearts asunder. You entered, and I know you saw me there; by all the stars above I swear my heart was calling so you must have heard ... (not sure if it's a copyright issue to quote the whole poem, so I'm skipping a few lines) I felt no great, momentous pain. I watched the door swing to, and heard it latch-- and knew we two were not a match, and went back to my reading, and forgot the things we were to be, and not were not."

So Jane just accepts his friendship, dates other dudes. Finally he asks her out months later (I'm not sure from context if it's romantic or not but I'm gonna guess no), but as he's walking her home, "she felt sure that he was the one for her. Bu she had no reason to believe that he felt the same way toward her." They move on to other locations and continue to pen pal and visit...and he eventually falls for her back.

"What drew them together? Bob was not the kind of man Jane had imagined as her future husband, and she told him as much. In spite of this there was an ease of communication at the heart of their relationship. What they shared sprang not from a system of dogma or a set of prepositions but from what they both loved and cherished."

Later Jane writes to him (a year after they met), "We don't notice the strange way things come about while they are coming about. It is only afterward that we see the pattern..."

The author of this book throws in her own personal commentary here and there, and after the above mentioned poem, notes that it took her awhile to get together with her own husband as well. "There was no grand gesture, just a shift in consciousness on both our parts....In the poem, Jane makes it sound like Bob initially failed the test of being her match by not noticing her, and she tried to completely let go of the idea of being with him." Yup.

Anyway. this, combined with my walking past the one park in town that actually has a pond with water in it. Quite awhile ago--I think this was summer 2021 or so? I tried to do yet another magical ritual to call in "the one" by writing out my NEW list of what I wanted in a guy, folding that paper into an airplane, and flying it over all the bushes that surround that pond so that nobody can get to it. That...did not go so well. But walking by there today, one side now has all the bushes flattened out, and you could actually get close enough to the water at one point. So I went home, wrote out a new request, and this time folded it into a paper boat and put it afloat in the water. (Hopefully nobody else can grab/read it in the future...it didn't float out far, oh well.)

My request on the paper this time was to receive the love that is right for me: whether or not it's Scott or someone else, per that psychic last April and Melinda's psychic friend. If it's someone else who's going to be better for me and actually love me back and want to be with me, then let me meet him and I'll throw myself into that relationship and get over this whole pining thing. If it's "supposed" to be Scott per all these dang signs over the years, then help him to get over his shit, to realize, and to heal. (And preferably, that it doesn't take 30 years to do that, because I'd be dead.) Either way, my request to the universe is to bring me true and lasting love that is right for me.

We'll see.

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