Chaos Attraction

Testing, Testing...

2004-02-22, 4:41 p.m.

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So today someone on 3WA found these tests about figuring out what your physical and mental types are. Naturally I couldn't resist, since I'm usually uh, tough to figure out. And while those things were peddled by match.com, they were free and didn't require membership, so what the hell.

At first I was pretty impressed by how they did the testing, but I had one quibble: the men are HEINOUSLY UGLY. I mean, those guys are models? Who hired them? I hardly had any guys at all marked as attractive (four, to be precise). Which meant that this result wasn't a surprise:

"Very Picky: It's official: You're "picky." The fact is you are drawn to the most handsome of the handsome. You know what you like in men and are more selective than most women your age. Your tastes seem instinctual. You'd make a great casting agent, because you have a good eye for men who have "star quality." In real life, your high standards may be an obstacle for you. It's hard to find a man with the strong features you like, who's also well-rounded in other ways. Still, you know the importance of a real physical "spark" in a relationship, and aren't willing (or able) to settle for less. The challenge is finding a man who really wows you physically, even if he's not the most handsome man in the room.

Very Selective: You are very selective, compared to most women, in the types of men you find appealing. You're wowed by "movie star" good looks, and in general, appreciate men with "traditional" or "mainstream" appeal. You probably face a lot of competition going after the most popular guys. Let others fight over the "movie stars" and you'll find a more unique guy who can be your own personal "hunk." See the pie chart below to see how many women fall into picky or open categories."

I admit that I went for the pretty boys. (Not that there were a whole lot of un-ugly to choose from. If these guys are a representative sample of what match.com offers, they wouldn't be getting too many clients.) Likewise in real life I go for a particular brand of pretty boys- i.e. pretty but weird. The just plain pretty and charming ones have never gone for me. So when I got to the point in the quiz where I was supposed to say which of the guys I found attractive would go for me, I marked the only cute-but-weird (spiky hair) there.

It then told me: " But, for whatever reason, you did not expect these men to be mutually attracted to you. In fact, you weeded out most of the men you saw as attractive to be "Maybes," and only expected mutual attraction with a select few. Why did you expect these men would not be attracted to you? Check out the photo examples below. Are you under-selling yourself or is this based on your experience with men who looked like this?" Uh, I am NOT under-selling myself. How many pretty boys go for girls with glasses? Not to mention, why do you think I rarely date?

It was mostly accurate (or at least as accurate as you could get with a bunch of ugly men), but somehow the test also determined that I like men younger than I am (odd considering that I indicated I wanted to date between 25-34), short and hairy! This was rather annoying considering that after I finished the test match.com sent me a list of men that it thought would be compatible with me, and good lord, not a one of them was attractive either. I got lots of "has a masculine, hairy chest" and "has a cute button nose"- I can't speak for the chests, but the noses didn't match with the descriptions either.

Though this was interesting: "You seemed especially interested in men with hazel eyes. In the test, you may not have even noticed eye color on a conscious level. However, those beautiful hazel eyes apparently stood out to you on an unconscious level. Because of the colored flecks in hazel eyes, they can change color--from light brown to green or blue, giving the impression of iridescence." I have hazel eyes, I dunno if mine change color all that much. (At least, no way in hell mine can fake blue. Maybe green on an especially good day, but usually everyone thinks I have brown.)

Moving on to the personality exam, I got:

"You're looking for a very balanced man with a down-to-earth and easygoing style. He'll love to work with his hands and will probably have an artistic side. He has a serious and quiet side, which can make him hard to get to know. But he'll be worth the effort! You'll find he's more compassionate and understanding than most men. Even though he'll constantly be juggling things in his life, he will always make time for you. Sound too good to be true? Men who are truly balanced like this are rare, but they do exist and would be an excellent fit for you.

Men with the exact type of personality you prefer are rare gems. Looking at over 10,000 men who have taken this test, only 7% (or 1 in 14 men) have the exact combination of similarities and contrasts in personality you find extremely appealing."

Well, isn't that depressing?

Somehow I don't think I'll be signing up for match.com any time soon.


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