Chaos Attraction

The Variants

2021-02-23, 10:23 p.m.

Work was dull. I still wasn't able to start on The Next Big Project today (but can tomorrow, finally) and I ran out of things pretty much halfway through the day without it and I was quite bored. Which is fine, beats the drama, mind you, but it goes along with everything else being dull and blah of late. But I'd rather have a blah day working from home when nobody can notice that I don't have much to do but respond to the occasional email once I got through the piles of stuff.

I finally got emailed and texted by the MyTurn website saying I'm registered. Hmmmm. I feel like I signed up at least last week ago? I still feel like I have legit concerns on "the website will email you" a bit. On a related note, the question of "Should I get a vaccine if I'm moved up the priority line but am not elderly/handicapped/etc." was covered by The Ethicist in the NYT: "But you’re benefiting from a system that was decided on after considerable deliberation among democratically elected leaders and scientific experts. Because the priority list, though inevitably imperfect, is a legitimate one, you are perfectly entitled, as an ethical matter, to receive your vaccination. In doing so, you are contributing not just to your own well-being but to the health of the community, given the growing evidence that a vaccinated person poses fewer risks to others, and, finally, to the resilience of our medical system." We will see if this actually comes up, mind you.

Jackie's grandmother is doing extremely poorly. I'm praying per her request, but her grandmother's gone back and forth to the hospital like every day (I love how the "skilled nursing home" had a nurse give her the wrong amount of insulin, Jesus H. Christ) and it just sounds like a fucking nightmare. I really don't want her to lose the one relative that, well....

I asked Mom if she heard back from RiteAid and she said no, so she messaged her doctor and the doctor asked what her batch/vaccine was and Roger's as well.

My county is going back into red tier tomorrow. I don't know what to make of that. I guess I'm supposed to be happy that things can "open up again!" except whenever they open, things get worse and they close. (See below.) I can't get up hope any more (also see below).

I am horrified to find out that the nearest Six Flags is having Renaissance Faire weekends! Because apparently Six Flags is allowed to be open as long as they don't have rides open. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING SHIT?!?! I thought every theme park in California was supposed to be closed indefinitely? The governor permitted this loophole?! The sad thing is that I would have been thrilled about this were we not in a pandemic.

Also, note the disclaimer at the top of the page here? "Exposure to COVID-19 is an inherent risk in any public location where people are present; we cannot guarantee you will not be exposed during your visit. The CDC advises that older adults and people of any age who have serious underlying medical conditions might be at higher risk for severe illness from Coronavirus. Guests should evaluate their own risk in determining whether to attend. People who show no symptoms can spread Coronavirus if they are infected, any interaction with the general public poses an elevated risk of being exposed to Coronavirus. By coming to the park, you acknowledge and agree that you assume these inherent risks associated with attendance. Some images shown throughout this website do not represent current operational guidelines or health and safety measures such as face covering and physical distancing requirements."

I read this and I no longer have any hope for anything. We are so utterly doomed and apparently nothing will save us, not even vaccines. Seriously, why should I stay alive any longer? Why don't I just kill myself now while it's on my terms and not the virus's? I have nothing to live for and look like nothin's gonna come my way.

All I can fucking do is stay inside and order more KN95 masks off the Internet. Oh yeah, and DRINK. When's my chocolate wine coming again, tomorrow? The not-great wine I am drinking says it's out of apricots and honeysuckle. Maybe that's why it tastes so not-great, never did like apricots. Actually I think it's just too harsh on the alcohol levels and all the other stuff is not drowning out the harshness of the alcohol. The bottle says it's dessert wine and great with "lemon cheesecake, fruit and cheese, or biscotti." Well, I have lemon biscotti in the house and I regret to say that didn't improve the taste. Oh well, the harsher the alcohol, the longer it lasts around the house when you can't guzzle!

Therapy today: my therapist is doing better and apparently last week's drama blowup with the niece was All Just Some Big Misunderstanding. Something like "my mother told her I was working, I thought she was ignoring me like she always does." Hoo boy. "I was butthurt for no reason," she said. "Know why I'm telling you that?" Yes, I know.

Per my homework of two weeks ago, I read aloud the letter to my parents, which mostly just talked about how they fought all the damn time and how that has scarred me for life (therapist was all "You don't have to be scarred for life," but I dunno, service REALLY sets me off). We talked about anger and sadness on that one, not to mention the Itchy and Scratchy level of drama. She asked who instigated and in all honesty, I don't know, they just ignited so quickly, who the hell knows. Dad blew up even faster and worse than Mom (Mom will at least take a few sentences to lose it most of the time). She asked me what my best memories of Dad were and well, they were away from Mom or everyone was distracted at Disneyland. That tells you a lot, doesn't it?

I know I sound biased, but I'd say my dad was about....40% jerkish? It wasn't all the time and I've met far worse jerks in my life, but my dad was frequently unhappy (for good reason) and he Had A Temper that was easily set off. Not that he called me names or anything and I only got spanked a few times, but him being mad was like a volcano going off and he wasn't easy to deal with a fair chunk of the time. I don't have as much drama with Mom by herself as I did with them together or him alone, by comparison. My therapist asked if they enjoyed fighting and I said I always supposed they did because it happened so much, but Mom and Roger don't fight at all, and she said Roger didn't have a temper. Well, good point.

And then there was my letter to you-know-who, in which I essentially said that I can't figure out for the life of me if I should take the hint and bug off and stop messaging him, if it's me or if he's just in a sulk, how the hell would I know the difference, I don't know what's going on, etc. She said that if I don't address it with him, I'm never going to know (true) and if it was her, she'd say something. So I asked what, exactly. She said, "How willing is he to go deep with you?" and I said something like well, I guess sometimes, when we were alone in person (and occasionally text). Probably not so much at his work with his mom watching. So she said to acknowledge how difficult the time has been, especially because some of us are more socially inclined than others, it's hard for me to know, and it's okay if you tell me you don't want to talk. Yeah, it may hurt my feelings, but it's something I'd need to hear (and have happen). You told me not to worry about it, but I do, so is it okay to keep reaching out or would you prefer that I not?

I don't know if I'd get up the nerve to say it, mind you. But I'm considering. Who knows if I'd actually ever say anything.

On a related note, today's Pick A Card (#2): "I get the feeling that your person wishes you would throw them a few crumbs, an indication of how you feel. Maybe they want you to do the work for them." They supposedly want to "start something with you, make you an offer," (since when?!).

But really, it was this one that got to me (#2 again): "Your person is really numbing their emotions" "They're kind of pushing you away," you feel like you can't connect with them and it's deliberate, because they don't want to hurt themselves. They feel that love is unsafe for them at this time. They're keeping out everything to protect themselves, going into their shell. There's a hiatus here. It's just not working for them, hurting themselves and you. She claims in the future they will get in contact with you when you least expect it and you've given up on everything. They will sometime run towards the connection "full force, and they are going to have a lot to say to you." Supposedly they don't want to wait any more and want to get close to you. "They may travel to see you." Once again, they are mirroring you. "They've built a lot of walls between you and it isn't anything you can really help them with." Gaaaaaaah. Don't put too much pressure on them, keep it light and breezy (I do not feel light and breezy, y'all). Sigh.

Btw, I continue to laugh every time these readings say (comes up a lot) that he's snooping around your social media or checking on you through their friends. BULLFUCKINGSHIT to that, I'm not on social media, nobody looks for you on anything BUT social media (and he doesn't know I have any other websites--nobody gives a shit if it's not social media and the only website any of my friends ever look at is the craft one, I don't even bother mentioning the rest to non-bloggers because people don't wanna read) and hell, our mutual friends don't even know how I'm doing because they're not talking to me either. I really, really don't think he'd even ask them.

Anyway, I felt like that one really resonated for me as to what is going on with him....and why I shouldn't fucking bother to try contacting him. I can't connect with the guy and he doesn't want to. And while I'd love it if he did suddenly contact me, that's asking for a freaking unicorn to show up on my back patio. Highly unlikely. Coming over here? Come on. I've heard that one in two readings now. I'm sure my hippie friends would be all "Don't block the manifestation!" or whatever on this topic, but asking for miracles on this topic (or most topics) doesn't seem to work in the hellish 2020's.

That said, this March 2020 reading (#2 again, it's a theme) is all these cards about being very close to your goal and you're going to find an answer and you're doing fine.... I really should go back and look at these things later and see if literally any of the shit happened.

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