Chaos Attraction

Yellow

2003-02-25, 6:16 p.m.

I think I'm ending up pissed at Hill every single day, simply because she's pissed at me every single day about something. Or it seems that way, anyway.

Today's snippy note about what I did wrong is that some of the butter knives are missing. I had no idea, and I have no idea where the hell they could be. I know I don't have them, nor have I taken any out of the house. But, of course, it's my fault that they're gone, since they are her knives and she'd never, ever do anything wrong with them, whereas I always fuck up and I'm absentminded and for all I know, I threw them out the window. I'm probably going to end up owing her for the knives, because it's gotta be SOMEBODY's fault, and I'm the one who's always wrong. Period.

I feel like the fuckup every. single. day. I am always, genuinely wrong and in the wrong. I haven't done a single household thing right in my entire life.

I'm tired of feeling like crap about myself, even though I honestly deserve to.

I am so near to bursting out and screaming the next time I see a note. She has no idea how much restraint I have to have to not yell "I JUST SUCK, OKAY? I'M NEVER GOING TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT ALREADY, SO GET USED TO IT!" (not that THAT would do any good) when I get into the house and see one of these things.

Actually, notes aren't all THAT bad as a method of communication- they tick me off, but it sure as hell beats having screaming fights. The notes just remind me of living with the morons I used to share a bathroom with who (a) left me horrendous notes and then (b) yelled in my face about how I hadn't cleaned up THEIR mess right AT ALL and that I was completely incompetent. Flashbacks, you know?

What's funny is that when we're hanging out and talking, we get along fine. I just stew about everything that I actively DO NOT want to talk about. Like my utter suckiness as a person. I don't want to be like this. Heck, neither does she.

She's probably right though- I should live alone. I don't want to go through this with someone else.


There's more and more reasons on his end why Dave should visit here this weekend. Nothing outright preventing him from staying home and me coming there, but still. And I sooooo don't want to bring this up with Hill for discussion at all. She and Dave are getting along fine of late (instant messaging), but I have kinda been feeling like he's persona non grata around here lately, even though she hasn't said that or anything. Mainly, I just don't want to piss her off even more, and bringing him around will most likely do this. Yet I can't outright tell him he can't ever come back here either for that reason.

I was supposed to talk to her tonight so he can go get train tickets tomorrow night. I just couldn't do it. I don't want to keep on pissing her off. Maybe it'll be better if I'm gone for a few days. And as it turns out, he wouldn't be able to be here for very long anyway, so I guess it all works out for the best.


Dave was trying to talk me into coming to his town to go play the vampire game on my next three-day weekend. Which I can't do because (a) I have a dentist appointment on my day off, which means that (b) I must be home for the entire weekend. He kept asking why I couldn't just go for Friday night and come home Saturday night. I kept telling him that Mom would throw a big hissy if she didn't get me to herself for the ENTIRE weekend, and I can't argue with "Well, you see him all the time and you hardly ever see me." It ain't worth fighting over.

Then he started saying that when we're living together, she can't pull this then. I said oh yes, she can, nobody in my family approves of that sort of thing and he definitely would not be welcome staying over at Mom's while I was there for a weekend. For one, she'd again want me All To Herself (which is not a bad thing, I am fine with that), and for two, ain't no way she'd even consider letting him sleep over unless the guest bedroom was cleared out- which isn't going to happen. Separate bedrooms are a must for her. They are traditional.

He got rather ticked at that and then said "After we move in together, we're saving up money and going to Vegas and eloping, so they can't pull this crap any more. Then they'll have to shut up about us living together before marriage, and they can't just exclude me because I'm not family." (True, I must admit.) "We'll have to have a renewal ceremony later."

Okay, so I doubt that will actually happen- there'd be too much fallout from the elopement- but it was a nice fantasy to have for a few minutes.

Still nervous about bringing him into the family, though. Because he WILL shake things up.


Bad move I made last night: I was finishing reading The Story About The Baby, which is hilarious, when he called. Because part of what I'd just read related to the conversation we'd been having, I gleefully read him the epilogue. Go read it yourself before continuing here.

After I finished, there was a long silence, followed by "You're just trying to scare yourself out of the idea, aren't you?"


And finally, Laurie died this morning. She was one of the beloved 3WA chat whores, who'd been fighting cancer for a few years. We're all bummed, to say the least.

I wasn't that close to her, not the way a lot of others were. I don't think we did more than just casual chatter, really. I don't think I have the right to outright grieve the way others do. But I'm sad anyway. I really thought she'd beat it, and I'm still rather in shock that things didn't quite turn out how I thought it would.

What a day. I think I need to go to bed early.


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