It was one of those midwinter days where there was actually nothing much to do at work. Like "I am seriously out of stuff to do from 2-5" level of nothing much to do. I wrote a few emails and that was about it. I ended up knitting while waiting for things to not come in, level of dull. But that's fine, especially on a work from home day.

I finished this week's "The Great Yarn Challenge" project, a weird necklace...thing, and posted the entry. I also posted something else I did. Next week's challenge is knitting the state of California, which I actually did a square of in Fair Isle, but I have to block the whole thing. Then I will need to decorate it later--perhaps with a cow? California poppy? I dunno. Something like that, anyway.

But otherwise....I HAVE THE NIGHT OFF!!!! My first and last night off for quite awhile. So I'm working on the next Great Yarn Challenge thing because it involves Fair Isle (god help me) and I need some time on that one before tech week.

In a lack of personal news today, I didn't mention last night that Bobby (once dead) is now getting pushed out on some kind of.... toilet platform. By Clocky, full on lying on his belly. Tomas took a pic of this last night and posted it, with the caption "This picture alone will sell every ticket we have for every performance for obvious reasons." I responded with a line from the show, "Right behind you, boss!"

Dawn briefly came by to get The Producers DVD and then gave me an old knitting pattern. Otherwise I have been catching up on The 4400, which is featuring a giant dancing iguana, dancing to 'Levitating." LOLOLOLOLOL.

I did look at the game that Scott and Robert and everyone else is playing and OH GOD, I CANNOT DO SERIAL KILLER HORROR GAME. Seriously, canNOT. Can't even look at that webpage.

Read this quote today: "I think when you look around the world it’s teeming with realities, different realities, and you must select the one which appeals to you at the moment. The reality which says what you want to say, the world that you want to investigate, and go into that world."

I feel like I've decided to deliberately embrace the "reality" in which I think someday I am going to get together with Scott at some point in life. Because embracing the "I should get over it, he doesn't care" reality didn't work. The waiting around on the "reality in which I meet someone else" doesn't seem to be going. I prefer the reality in which I daydream and feel loved in my daydreams and feel like there's some kind of hope, even if possibly there really isn't.

I love him, I miss him, I keep feeling this physical pull towards him. I don't know why...I mean, it's not like he's my ideal or anything (WOULD BE NICE IF HE WANTED ME BACK, IS WHAT I AM SAYING ABOUT THAT), or the world's most perfect dude, but somehow I even find the flaws endearing and sweet? I just want to hold him, like constantly. Sometimes I think it would all be better if we could just sit around or lie around hugging each other indefinitely and just feel that closeness and connection and pull toward each other. How do we get to that?

Why can't he love me back? Or want to be with me? What the fuck is the deal, anyway? Is he totally dead inside and unable to love? Was the psychic right? And if so, WHERE IS THE SOMEBODY ELSE ALREADY TO BE WITH WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE WITH ME.

Universe, seriously: I want to love someone and be loved in return already. I want to. I'm ready. I'm ready to go whole hog on this. Come on. I'm tired of wasting my life waiting around all the effing time doing things I don't care about while I wait and wait.

He's probably just gaming tonight and not thinking about me at all, of course.

I'd like to pray for help on this, but clearly the universe was unable to help with that one earlier and could do nothing. Unless we end up in another play together, anyway. PLEASE BE WITH ME, SIR, PLEASE BE WITH ME, hahahahahah.

I just want to snuggle and cuddle in bed with a guy who loves me and who I love once again. I miss this so badly I can't even tell you.

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