Chaos Attraction

Femme Fest Comedy

2020-02-28, 7:46 p.m.

recently on Chaos Attraction
Home Drinking And Crying Again - 2020-03-05
A Boring Meeting - 2020-03-04
Ashley Gets Results - 2020-03-03
Zoey's Extraordinary Neighbor - 2020-03-02
Bonus Day - 2020-02-29


Cast list as of November 2019

I’d like to consider myself almost better at this point. I woke up around 6:30 (blech), then went back to sleep until nearly noon. My sleepbot app is ridiculously beautiful right now with how much sleep I am getting. I am OUT of sleep debt and into negative numbers of sleep debt! I went “jogging” again today and actually managed to keep actual jogging for most of the hour. The coughing is a lot, lot less. Huzzah.

I went to the laundromat again and got all my vomited-on bedding washed. I feel like I should get adulting bonus points for this. I also worked on a new design for the tie that fits the space it’s got.

I actually went out tonight, to the “Femme Fest” standup comedy show on campus, featuring the professor I used to like, who I guess was well enough to go for a change. They had thirteen ladies doing standup, which is impressive, and there is going to be some female improvfest in the spring. I look forward to it and wish I could be in it.

Lines from the show:

* The emcee pointing out that most of the standups are not having sex right now. That’s every dang standup comedy show, y’all.
* The professor talked about how people with dementia still remember things to their favorite songs, so she made jokes about how someday some poor girl named Tiffany is going to go to the old folks’ home for required community service and find out all about someone’s sex life, and how when it’s her turn, instead of “Fly Me To The Moon” some Tiffany will play “Ice Ice Baby” at her. “Tiffany, sing ‘Baby Got Back. That was a masterpiece.’” Also, “it was on the strength of his rhymes that he was knighted.”
* One girl was making fun of her math TA and among other charming traits, “if you sit in the first row, you will smell him.”
* Another girl was talking about Diwali--”Brown 4th of July” and mentioned some kid saying, “I pissed in my shirt!”
* She was also making fun of an uncle of hers that insists that women wear underwire bras. “I wore an underwire bra once in 8th grade and that was the end of that journey.” She said when the uncle died, her aunt was saying,”Thank goodness that man is gone, I no longer have to wear underwire bra.”
* Some cab driver told her, “And then she left me for her nephew.”
* More comments on life in India: “As if India has rules.”
* Another girl made fun of being from Walnut Creek and how they bus out their homeless people, and also suggested that they could solve hunger through canniballsm.
* She also said her sister (“true story”) sold the naming rights for her firstborn child, whose first name is going to be Alligator. She said the sister only got one veto of a name, so it could have come out as “Cum Dumpster.”
* One girl brought up furries and someone told her, “You don’t wanna be a furry, you just wanna be Bigfoot.”
* “Babies, they make the most adorable ice cubes.”
* One girl showed up in some animal onesie (unclear on animal, it was blue and I couldn’t really see the hood around her hair).
* On toilets with options: “Where do I flush for nuclear waste?”
* One girl does online gaming, noting that if she speaks on chat, there’s always a guy who is all, “I can’t not call her a pissy bitch shit.”
* That girl with the ukulele was back, singing “If I were a guy, I’d use my dick as a sundial,” and “I’d be valedictorian and still be a fucking moron,” and “If you want to be environmentally friendly, don’t go vegan, kill your children.”
* Another girl: “Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I’m a woman.”
* “Whenever I get sad, I think of Hitler. He had a girlfriend. She didn’t care about red flags....”
* Another girl talked about a guy in her dorm making the mistake of putting his phone number on his board in public. So every day she texts him some picture of a grape, with no commentary, which is driving him crazy. He asked “20 questions?” and she sent 20 grape pictures. He took down his number, she wrote it back up. When he complained to an RA, she didn’t text him for three days, then texted him “Snitch!” followed by more grapes. She then read out a phone number at the end so we could do it ourselves.... Not that I am the sort of person who would do this sort of thing, but I think if I was, I would send kumquats.
* One girl started out by saying, “I am a sugar baby,” and telling the story of one of her paid dates driving her an hour away from here to bang on his boat, and then telling her “You have to fuck a dog.” Then she noted, “There’s a dog in the audience! I’m sorry, Winston.” Anyway, he thought she should bang a dog to get over her sexual issues because dog cocks are the right size... which she of course had to put up with for the rest of the ride back. “Thank you for the lovely evening. It was a transaction.” You gotta get that bread, but at what cost?”... dating him again.
* Another girl talked about her “birth plan” of giving birth on the edge of a cliff while watching The Lion King (also “I hope I shit myself,”) and then being able to throw it off the cliff.
* Another girl who clearly came from some strict religious upbringing that scarred her for life talked about being told how men are waffles (they compartmentalize!) and women are spigots and can’t, not being allowed to watch Lilo and Stitch (“what did Stitch do, get an abortion?”), how there’s a “Man Bible,” and “Jesus fucking destroyed my pussy.”
* The final girl wrote her own children’s book about buying a dildo online, “it died while inside” and “this dildo was somehow far worse than a man.” She ordered another one, which was accidentally sent to her mom...but mom is happier!

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