I'll Be Just The Same Four Years From Now
2012-02-29, 7:08 p.m.
Happy Leap Day! I wish I was doing something fabulous for the day, but boy, I am not. I spent the day in meetings or proofreading an entire catalog. Tra-la.
I have been going on and on and back and forth about my lease. Whether or not to move locally anyway, whether or not to ask if I can move into a one bedroom, or if I can clean out enough space to get a roommate. I have been doing this since oh, September 1. I realized in December that moving out of town this year wasn't going to happen, but have been debating trying to do all of the above stuff.
I had this debate with myself a few years ago. I pretty much came to the same conclusion now that I did then, i.e. don't really want to move and it's more of a financial outlay to me to do so than it is staying, it's not enough of a rent savings to move to a one-bedroom. And uh, I really really do like this apartment and its location and hate to give it up short of leaving town. The only real major rent-saver anyway would be getting a roommate, but fuck if I know how I am going to get all the furniture out of here, and I kind of don't want to get rid of most of it anyway, so...
And yet, even today, the last day before my notice to renew is due along with the rent, I have been rethinking over and over again, "Shouldn't I be deciding something else? Even though I hate all the freaking choices and it feels like a choice between semi-wrong and really wrong?" I've been enjoying having one extra day to not have to commit about this thing.
Then I came home today to find a notice saying they were going to start shopping my apartment around tomorrow for new tenants.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!
Now there was a freakout moment for ya. Wondering where the hell this came from, if this was some kind of ass kick from the universe, should I suddenly reconsider...And my inner reaction was WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE IT'S MIIIIIIIIIIINE DAMMIT!
I guess that answers the question, doesn't it?
Anyway, the problem was wrapped up within an hour--new onsite manager booboo'd it (she's very nice, btw, not creepy like the last dude), got ahold of offsite manager, he'll be dropping by with the lease tomorrow.
But it was still an adrenaline moment from panicking hell there.
I keep thinking that I want to make changes, except then I freak out (what all my Barbara Sher books refer to as "resistance") and then back track in a panic. There are some things in life where doing a lot of research only gets me MORE freaked out and less reassured than I was before I started (like STD's back when I was a health reporter--holy shit, did I get mad at specifically how hard it is to get tested for some things and--okay, off topic), and car buying has become one of those things. At this point I have such a case of heebie-jeebies about all this shit that I just want to stick my head in a hole and not deal. And I think, "what the hell was I thinking trying to be different anyway?"
I seriously do not know how people make big changes when they haven't had them forced upon them. I always come back to preferring the bird in my hand, plus it's a lot of stress to go hunting, and is it really worth it? Logic for the win! Heart can fuck off, it never did anything for me anyway!
I want to make changes and yet I don't. I want big positive things to happen to me and yet I freak at the idea.
So my friend Jackie wanted to get her astrological chart done. I recommended to her my favorite astrologer on the Internet, someone I kind of want to get a reading from but...well, I think it might be a bad idea because that lady is into debugging problems and no whining, and here I am being the queen of the whiners who won't do anything about anything. I think I'd just annoy her.
Jackie got her reading done a few days ago--I am going back to SF this weekend to talk this out in person with her. But she passed on the recording of the session to me and...HOLY SHIT. That girl is solid gold awesome. Nothing bad going on for her at this point. Total powermonger-y chart. The astrologer said that while she may be having a dead period right now, her life will start drastically changing by about a year and a half from now, and in three years she won't recognize her old life.
Jackie and I have the same sort of problems in a sense--in the "we're the peons at work" way, haven't figured out what else to do and never manage to get any other job offers when we look, not really being able to afford to move and not sure if we want to even though we kind of want to. And to the same location, hah hah. Except unlike me, she is persistent as hell.
Jackie has been hearing predictions about her powerful business-running, money-making life since oh, birth. Her mom went out to Hong Kong to get predictions (multiple times), and a palm reader a few years ago also foresaw big business and money in her future. Jackie's reaction to this is pretty much, "Great, but HOW? What, do I win the lottery? And the only business I ever wanted to run is an ice cream shop." She's stumped, I'm stumped.
But I'm jealous of her reading, because nobody other than me has ever foretold anything good happening about me. The professionals get "tangled mess." I am lost. And I'm tired of being told I have free will and can choose. No shit I have free will, but how's that going for me lately? I feel like all of my options for my free will boil down to "crappy, or crappy, or crappy, or this one's just semi-crappy." I am not coming up with options that don't involve the word "crappy." How great is my free will when I don't see any other choices I can make that aren't semi-crappy?
I am vomitously sick of myself, but fuck if I know what to do any more to get myself over the total paralyzing fear/"resistance." The books I read say to break things down into smaller steps, but at this point I pretty much already did that (like say, doing car research or doing driving practice). And my shrink has major life shit going down in her life right now and for the foreseeable future, so that's not really an option right now to dump on her. At any rate, all I did last session was whine and get nowhere, so what's the point.
The astrologer told her she's the sort that bounces back. Jackie thought the astrologer might be feeding her a line of bull, but from what I know about the lady, I don't think so. I remember one line she said in the recording was something like "some people, it takes all of their strength just to not throw themselves out the window every day when they walk by it. They're functional depressives and they know it and they're stuck with it and that's all they can do." And there I am in a nutshell. Not the window-throwing bit, but "stuck and that's all they can do" is totally me. And that's why I shouldn't try to see that lady myself. I'm unfixable.
In short: I am a useless idiot who can't crawl out of her hole for anything, apparently. And probably never will. And I should stop trying to kid myself about that.