Chaos Attraction

Every Joke You Hear

2019-03-01, 9:38 p.m.

Today’s work drama:

(a) New Girl had to call her dad at 5 a.m. when a door locked unexpectedly and after she apologized for doing it, he said something like, “It’s okay, sometimes everyone has to call a responsible adult. Let me know when you find one.”

New Girl also has a hamster (it has five names and I forgot them all) that her four-year-old dropped the cage of and was going to have to go home and clean up bedding all night.

(b) Quote from GQ: “I don’t know if I want to run away from my family. I kinda like ‘em.”

GQ also informed New Girl and I about this ah, interesting money scheme thing he does in which he signs up people for free trials of things, then un-signs them up a few days later and somehow gets paid in $1000 gift cards for this, and then they all have to wait 2 years to be eligible to do this thing again, so he keeps track and calls them all up. “Hey, it’s GQ, the money guy. It’s that time again.” New Girl was interested but said it looked scammy, I was thinking “I see that you get money from it,” (he literally has photos of the gift cards he’s gotten) “but it sounds scammy.”

(c) Continuing with the scheduling drama: the coworker who is retiring as of oh, next week has apparently not announced it to anyone, which makes me wonder. Meanwhile, BigBoss, who is still out for concussion but still has to answer e-mails, said they won’t be rehiring for the head scheduler’s position

I went to the standup comedy show in town. The professor was not there, so I am unfortunately reasonably assuming she had another medical emergency. (Note: upon checking the Internet the next day: yup.)

Notable moments:
* “Every joke you hear has pain and sadness behind it.”
* The census measures dick size?
* Joseph Smith knew it was an angel prank and went with it.
* “You’re laughing so hard you made me forget my second joke.”
* I liked the guy who works at the movie theater apologizing for having to upsell everyone’s food and they hate it too. But don’t tell THEM to have a nice day--you’re stealing their mandatory line and it only makes it worse!
* Someone’s mom has imaginary friends.
* “I wrote down a bunch of jokes about suicide...”
* “Being awake is a conspiracy.”
* One guy walks dogs for a living and said he feels like he has to be a dog therapist. He also later started pantomiming shooting up heroin, which made people gasp.
* My favorite act of the night was a storytelling one, in which a guy talked about the time his dad caught him with porn on his computer and then was totally unfazed by it. It also featured the line (after he mentions fantasizing about being betwixt two lesbians), “If I have the chance to say betwixt, I’m gonna say it.”
* One guy bravely came out as being against Hitler.
* One guy said, “I jacked off to the dictionary.” The sexy words.
* An Indian guy, after recounting the horrible murders that used to happen to Indian guys with white ladies, said he has a white girlfriend and every time they bang...”Every time I have sex with her, I think of the pain of my dead ancestors. Yesssssss! We died for this!”
* A returning alumni claimed he wrote a “Fire Katehi” song back in the day.
* “Do you remember when hentai used to be a secret?”
* He asked people what they would do if The Purge was real. I was thinking, “Well, I’m a woman, so I would lock the doors and hide and hope nobody came in to rape and kill me....” This is not as fun of a question for half the population, methinks.
* When seeing a service dog, he said he was always wanting to pet them except he cant, but “someone’s gotta let them know they are a good dog.”
* “I thought I could get by without reading my stuff, but even professionals fuck up.”
* When recounting being mugged and the mugger saying to give him your money or you die, the guy was all (a) how do you know I have money in 2019, and (b) how do you know I don’t want to die? Good points!

I saw an audition notice for Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding dinner theater at the end of March--another opportunity I could not do if I were in Gumbo tech week and it’s improv!!!--but then I started realizing the reality of the situation, like watching videos about it online and going, “Much as I’d love to be in an improv show like that, who’s gonna cast me as a trashy Italian bridesmaid? I can’t act,” and “oh, the performance is on the weekend of Maker Faire, that kinda sucks.” I have the month to decide on that one, mind you, but...reality always kicks in, doesn’t it?

I e-mailed Melinda and she said she’d convene a meeting with everyone on Monday night to talk about this and where to regroup from here. We shall see. I wish I could get together with her this weekend but it sounds like she has kid drama, which is fun when it’s autistic kid drama.

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