Chaos Attraction

A Whole Other Person

2014-03-04, 3:52 p.m.

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I don't like me. This is pretty obvious. I drive myself nuts. For those of you who do like me, well, you don't have to deal with me 24-7 and I do, and that's the problem. Fortunately, no other human on this earth has to deal with me uninterrupted all the time, so no murders have happened. (Yet another reason that I'm meant to be permanently single.) But last week turned into a giant clusterfuck of EVERYONE HERE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, YOU ARE AWFUL. And I gave them reason to. I had a whopping headache during most of that and wanted to keel over and die in a corner, but that's no excuse.

I have thought of myself as an ambivert for many years, but...I am probably more of an introvert than I thought. I am hitting my "overload, please go away all humans" point frequently--except nobody can or will go away including me, so I am stuck, and it becomes obvious that I am not good at hiding how stressed and uncomfortable I feel.

You can probably guess why I can't elaborate more on how badly this is going. But at this point in time, it's either "shape up or ship out, no more excuses, no more help, this is it for you." And there are no ships going out any more and the last one I tried to book a ticket for was already full up with its intended occupant, if you know what I mean.

The only reasonable conclusion I can come to under these circumstances is that I have to become an entirely different person. One that is exactly what everyone else wants me to be. I can't seem to figure out how to be what I want within the context of boring shitty real life anyway, so I might as well start pleasing everyone else. I get into way too much trouble if I am not making everyone else happy, and it ain't worth it. I am not a shiny fucking star, I am just another ordinary boring peon and I need to accept it. I am here to help and serve and fix other people's problems and that is all. So I have to love that. I have to make myself love that. I have to stake my whining inner rebel (which obviously has done me no good ever) in the heart. I need to be perfectly bland. I need to be practically perfect in every way. Subservient. Smiling. Helpful. Cheerful. What everyone else wants me to be. A robot, if necessary.

I met with two of my friends over the last few days for assistance with this, and they were really great about it. So I went into work today with a new attitude. Being practically perfect in every way, basically. And it worked wonders. Let's see how the rest of the week goes.


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