Chaos Attraction

A Housecat Named Desire

2004-03-07, 12:45 p.m.

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I have come to the sad conclusion that Jasmine the Humping Cat and I are now in an abusive relationship.

Seriously.

From the second I walk into the apartment, from the second she hears me get up to pee in the morning, she's following me around and yowling. When I lock her in the bedroom for awhile and then feel guilty about it, or Heather comes home, the first thing she does is goes after me. You'd think she'd go after her mommy for relief, but nooooo. Evidently, I am the boy cat in the house.

My tolerance for the humping is getting fairly low, so most of the time when I'm in the apartment I have been locking her in Heather's or my room. Unfortunately, this makes me feel kinda guilty if I leave her in for more than 2-3 hours (even if I lock the litter box in with her), so every few hours I leave the house and set her free on my way out. Also, when I lock her in, the other cat, Penny, will sometimes lurk around the door and look sadly at me until I let her in the room too. Problem with this being that Penny has less tolerance for being locked in and uh, knows how to open doors.

She pretty much won't leave me alone. Ever. She's always in my face, wandering in and out of my lap for a few seconds at a time, crawling over anything breakable or easily messed up multiple times, and of course, humping the laptop. It's gotten to the point where I'd prefer she hump my own leg (or stick her head in my crotch, or her butt in my crotch) to that. Even Heather got annoyed at the humping last night and threw her off me.

Now here's where the abusive bit comes in.

Every time she lies down on the keyboard, I have to throw her off. Or knock her off the table, since she tries to resist being grabbed around the middle sometimes. I mean, we're testing the "cats land on all four feet" theory here, even if she gets thrown about two inches off the ground. I know I'm starting to get more throw-y and less gentle about it, especially when she's causing more and more trouble.

In a way, it's like I'm supposed to be her mommy, and she's following me around with an owie that I can't fix. She's so clearly uncomfortable and horny that it makes me sad, and then furious that she won't leave me alone about it and that I can't do anything about it- we can't get her spayed until she's out of heat entirely (as Heather pointed out, by the time she got a vet appointment, Jasmine could and probably would be back in heat again), I can't let her out to go find real boy cats, and Heather's extremely squicked at the idea of anyone sticking some tool up the cat's butt. I now go around the house screaming, "I CAN'T FUCK YOU! I CAN'T FUCK YOU!" Boy, I bet the upstairs neighbors with a kid must have uh, interesting thoughts when they hear that.

But my true moment of shame was last night. When at yet another point I got so fed up I grabbed her and threw her into Heather's room- only it was dark (and I had no hands free to turn on a hall light) and I didn't see that the door was mostly closed. Yes, she did get her head knocked into the door. I am ashamed of myself.

But even sadder than that? After the way I treat her, she just keeps coming back for more! She's never even scratched me or complained or tried to bite me for how I treat her, and I deserve it by now. Folks, this is why I should never have children. Maybe Jasmine and I need to go in and get spayed at the same time, because at the rate I'm going, I'm going to start wearing wife-beaters around the house.


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