I finally slept last night. Yay Benadryl for actually making me NOT wake up in the middle of the night irrevocably. Too bad that only works intermittently on me. It seems to work better if I haven't taken it recently, unfortunately, and the last time I tried it was a week ago.

I really enjoyed not hating myself for three days! Then I went back to work!

I was back in The Bad Place literally upon turning on my shitty work computer setup (which has not been touched in three days) and then it refused to work and I spent a half hour literally unplugging and replugging and turning everything off and on again. And I spent over an hour trying to get an easy thing to work that will not work. And then I got in trouble some more. My boss finally got the "easy thing" to work after 20 minutes and said she didn't know how she did it either. Then I spent the rest of the day on tedious stuff and avoiding other stuff. And why the hell are people calling and being all "you haven't charged me yet?" Um, NONE OF THAT SHIT IS URGENT, THIS IS FOR MONTHS FROM NOW, WHY MUST YOU ALL FREAK OUT?!?

I will give another office at Giant Org credit for something: they have learned from previous bad experience as to when to announce good news vs. bad news and have reasonably decided to announce bad news EXACTLY on Friday at the time that our phones close. Because this office only runs phones till 2 p.m. and previously announced bad news at 2....giving all the pissed off people plenty of time to call my office to complain instead, because we're the only office that keeps phones open until 4. And once again, no, we can't do anything about that issue.

Things I could be doing after work today: (a) Auditioning for Evita...sigh. (Though I did get email from Scott saying he's going to Winters on Wednesday.) (b) Auditioning in Winters (okay, doing that Wednesday) (c) Going to karaoke.

I had planned on doing the third one, but god, I'm so effing tired. I really can't do any of that. Instead, I posted my pics from Stitches West.

I read this today:

"I dated (if one could call it that that) someone when I was around your age who seemed into me ... expect that he wasn't, or at least not enough. We were so perfect together, except for the fact that he knew I wasn't exactly what he wanted. He was very honest about that; he loved me, but not enough in a romantic way. Nor was he ready to have a serious relationship with anyone at that age. That tiny gap between what we had and me getting everything I wanted – that pocket of rejection – made this guy seem like a soul mate, or like a prize to be won. If only I could get him past that doubt, it would be ... (drum roll) ... amazing. But then one day I was like, huh, everything he's said is true. He likes me, but not enough – and that's OK. Then, suddenly, I wasn't into him enough either. I stopped communication, which made him sad, but at least I had clarity. Looking back, we did click in big ways, but part of the reason he felt so important was the rejection. It made any attention from him seem too important. It made the good moments seem like love. You and I are not the same, and who knows what your guy is doing. All I know is that when you say everyone else makes you feel incomplete, I want to remind you that this man's feelings for you are also incomplete. He's never been all in."

This is totally true, sigh. Once again I am on "why fucking bother" mode.

I also agree with this article: I'm an artisan in a giver profession, sigh.

And I keep reading stuff like this: This couple literally went on one date per year for 3 years. She eventually got fed up and stopped talking to him-I HEAR YA GIRL.

"In late September, though, they both ended up at Apres. Seeing her there, Mr. Carmichael said, made him realize that “I didn’t want to let this chance of ‘us’ pass.” He walked over to Ms. Eginton’s table and put his hand out on it; she put her hand in his, and finally, he came clean about his fear of dating. “What if we break up?” he asked her. In reply, she said, “I guess we will just have to avoid each other’s lockers; you know, like high school.”

Will it ever fucking happen? With anyone?

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