Chaos Attraction

Two Suburban White Girls

2006-03-10, 12:34 a.m.

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So, first day of vacation with Jess! Yeehaw!

She got into town, and we went shopping. She got to hit the bead store (no such thing where she lives now) and walk around and do other random goodies. Then we went to tonight's CC party.

Tonight's theme was a combination of Early St. Patrick's Day and "Craft Corner Deathmatch." The T-shirts being handed out said "Kiss a crafter, get lucky" and we were all supposed to bring green food. This led to...interesting...pickins.

The Deathmatch was fun, though. They had a bunch of supplies out upstairs, and people were counted off into teams, one per student manager. We had to use at least one item from the tool room from our manager's area of expertise, and then were given 20 minutes to make them a costume out of trash bags, newspaper, feathers, pipe cleaners, pens, yarn, fabric, tissue paper, etc.

I drew the arts and graphics manager. This was rather challenging considering that in her area, there is not a whole lot of tools that don't involve paint or the application thereof. About the only thing we could use was spline tubing. After I tried tying the stuff into knots and said, "This kinda looks like barbed wire," we ended up doing a "mermaid trapped in a net" costume.

I'm not too sure Allie (A&G manager) was thrilled with this. Well, she was fond of the garbage-bag-trimmed-with-green-stuff tail, even if she could barely move, but she did NOT want a fake shell bra because according to her, her boobs were too big for such a thing. We were all like, "We don't want you to go topless, it'd just be easier to put these things on over something that's not a sweatshirt." We ended up spending a fair chunk of the pre-dressup time trying to talk her into putting on her "Kiss a Crafter" shirt, but ran out of time. In addition to the tail and bra, she got fake flowers in her hair, the aforementioned net, with pipe cleaner fish attached, and a pet octopus.

The other outfits created were similarly wacky creative. There was a pirate (fake leg, treasure, parrot, eye patch, fake beard...), Craft Man (fake beard, visor, wing thingies, welding tools, welding jacket as cape, zappy things, boots), a fairy (the girl who teaches dollmaking, she got dressed like one of her dolls and had a Mini-Me to boot!), and two superhero-ish costumes. One of which was along the lines of "Indian Princess" with an enormous funky headdress, arm shields, boots, superhero lightning logo, etc. The other one had a super S, glove skirt, tools, and the most memorable thing...silver cone bra!

At which point I promptly said in Allie's direction, "See, we were NICE to you!" She understood.

The head managers had thought there'd be one clear winner among the teams, and only made up about seven prizewinning shirts. But they decided very quickly that they COULDN'T pick, and have agreed to go make more shirts for everyone! We all win! Hooray! (Even I was thinking before this went on, "Who's going to win? We're all really good.")

And after that, Jess and I went clubbing...or attempted to go clubbing... anyway, it was all kinds of bizarre. She wanted to go do stuff she can't do with a husband and kids, involving dancing and alcohol. And while we gave it our best shots, it really didn't go well.

Round 1: After the CC party got out and we hit the grocery store for shit we'd forgotten to get (still!), we go over to the Grad. We get there, it's 8:30 or 9 or something and while we beat the cover, it's boring. as. fuck. Everyone's still sitting around watching games and we're the only two chicks alone in there.

And thus, we attracted the attention of the Guidos. Two guys wandering around suspiciously, one of which has That Kind Of Accent. Who gave us "free" invitations to the "pre-grand opening" of "the hottest club in Davis" tomorrow. The name of the place? The "Rock Hard Cafe."

I swear I am not making this story up.

Even besides the fact that "the hottest club in Davis" hasn't even had a GRAND opening yet, the time of this pre-grand opening was 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. I thought it was a misprint. Nope, that's a opening of a BAR at 11 A.M., not P.M. WTF?

We drove by the supposed location of this place later on, and suffice it to say it looked deserted.

Round 2: Anyhoo, this gets dull and we decide to leave (getting hand-stamped first). Jess is all, "Let's go to 815 L, this DJ I used to like is there tonight."

I last went to 815 L...three years ago or so, when Anna was in town. Jess hadn't been there for longer than that. And oh, how things have changed. After spending a lot of time looking for free parking, we get over there five minutes before opening. She has to pee very badly and asks if she can come in and pee. Nooooo. The dude is all, "Try the Hotel Berry."

The only options in the area are (a) the Hotel Berry (charges by the hour!), or (b) the Greyhound bus station. It should tell you something that Greyhound was the least bad of two options. And OMFG was it scary in there. As for the bathrooms...well, finding a non-clogged toilet was a special treat, and in the stall Jess ended up in someone had abandoned a sweatshirt. You sure as fuck don't want to know why. I haven't been this wigged out since I was in certain areas of Modesto.

Since we've got five minutes until 815 opens, we go wait in line behind three girls and their...sugar daddy. And I look over at the window and there's a sign. A dress code for males and females. A fairly long list. Which says, among other things, (a) NO T-SHIRTS WHATSOFUCKING EVER OF ANY KIND, and (b) ESPECIALLY NO T-SHIRTS WITH ANY KIND OF LOGO OR DRAWING OR ANYTHING ON THEM.

Having dressed for the Grad, where I tend to dress down so as to not attract skeezebuckets, I was wearing not only a T-shirt, but a T-shirt with the Excalibur logo on it.

We decided to leave. Between the sugar daddy and the dress code, it was clear that as two suburban white girls, We Did Not Belong Here Any More. Jess was all, "I am SO not ever trying to go clubbing in Sacramento again." I was all, "I am too much of a scared suburban wimp. Wah."

Round 3: So we gave up and drove back to the Grad just as the dancing was opening up. Now it was a regular dance night, as opposed to the country I'm used to doing. Now, country night is great. Except for the fact that it involved country music (which Jess ain't into), that probably would have provided the experience Jess was looking for, i.e. "I just wanna listen to music and watch white kids trying to get laid."

Alas, "College Night" was boring. as. fuck. This was the one time in my life I was in a dance club and DIDN'T want to dance. The most amusing sport out there was watching the boys dance. There was one guy in particular who looked rather like Jake Gyllenhaal who danced around like Quasimodo, especially around these two girls. Jess said, "Betcha he thinks he's going home with one of them, but they just go home with each other." There was also a white-haired guy out there, and the requisite creepy guy, who looked like Richard Pryor.

Meanwhile, Jess, who does not like sports, got drunk on a Long Island iced tea and started watching college basketball. "GO BEARS!" She also tried to talk me into dancing with the creepy guy ("You know you don't want to!") and/or putting a dollar in Quasimodo's pants, "just because."

And some dude kept waving at me, and at first I was all, "Huh? I don't know this guy" and ignored it. Then it occurred to me: "fuck, I'm in a bar, THAT's why he's waving at me."

We left. Phew. Jess says that she gave everyone a shit-eating grin when we walked out. "Not only do they think I'm a man-hater, they think I'm a man-hating lesbian!"


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