Chaos Attraction

So Mom Has An Internet Boyfriend Now

2011-03-10, 8:44 a.m.

Really, this should be done in a Q&A format:

Q: WHAT?!?

A: I know! What the hell, right?

Q: Who the hell is he?

A: He's an old high school boyfriend of my (long dead) aunt's. (Mom and Aunt Susie are the younger two in the family, this is not an ex of Aunt Susie's.) My mom has a lot of stories about Aunt Diane's various high school boyfriends--I gather she was popular-- but I don't recall stories about this one. I think he was early on in high school.

Q:How'd that happen?!

A: A couple of weeks ago, he found her on or something (said he's been looking for her for years. Why?) and called her up. Mass long e-mails, at least on Mom's end, have ensued, as well as more crack-of-dawn phone calls.

I did not say anything about this earlier because it sounded like it was likely to end. Mom has driven off guys who were interested before, he didn't e-mail her on the weekend, said he was busy... If this was a guy my age, that'd be yet another Silent Dump, and I said as much, but no, this one kept going. Enough for Mom to dump Mauricio, anyway. I am surprised that this has continued, given the "lives in another state" thing.

The sheer amount of twitterpation going on around here is amazing. She's up all night long not sleeping and daydreaming about him, writing him long-ass e-mails... Seriously, she reminds me of me a long time ago, back when I used to have feelings. It's SPOOKY how this obsession stuff is inherited. I used to be batshit crazy when it came to guys and I had no idea why. Clearly, it came from her, even though I had no idea what her dating behavior was like growing up. She says she's the happiest she's ever been since I was born, and she hasn't had feelings for a guy since her high school boyfriend.

Yes, that's what she said. Yes, that means exactly what you think it does about my dad. No, I am not even a tiny bit surprised to hear that. Even when I was a six-year-old I had figured out that they lost that lovin' feeling. I just assumed it had died off when I was born, but turns out she never had it in the first place and settled. My poor dad. I wish he'd had someone who loved him really. But... what can you do now.

I told her to take it easy and don't e-mail him constantly and act all needy, even if he tells you to (which for the most part he has). Don't drive 'em off too fast with the need, Mom.

Q: Where does he live?

A: Arizona. By Jess, incidentally, which should make for some interesting times should this last.

Q: When are they going to actually meet?

A: May sometime?

Q: Are there any future potential stepsiblings?

A: Two boys, one a teenager and one about to graduate from college, something like that. (This doesn't sound terribly promising when I'm at least a decade older than they are and a chick, but you never know.) Strange thought, that.

Q: Your mom is already thinking about marriage?

A: Of course she is. This gene pool is crazy. I had thoughts about marrying pretty much anyone I had a crush on from minute one, whether I actually wanted to or not.

Q: So who would move to who if that happened?

A: Her to him, definitely. He has some big shot job there.

This is where I quietly start to freak out some, on the moving thing. You'd think I'd be all "huzzah, she's out of my hair!", and sometimes you'd be right, but there are some good times too, and other times like, "Hey, I need a ride to Costco..." Not to mention "what happens if something bad happens to me and she lives in another state?" It freaks me out.

Though if I do ever move to LA, I looked it up: six hour drive to Arizona, 45 minute flight. That'd still be closer than flying back to the Bay Area for Christmas.

Q: So, how do you REALLY feel about this situation?

A: Mostly happy for her. God knows I'd love someone else to be married to her instead of me for a change, have someone to take her off my hands/responsibility. Clearly she was born codependent and can't stand being alone (see the "settled at 20" bit), and she's miserable without someone, so if by some miracle she finds a dude who isn't reasonably scared off, and is age appropriate, and has his own money, and is nice, then FINE BY ME. I don't have any major issues with getting a stepfather.

Where I do have issues is the location thing, because geez, she couldn't find a local guy to entertain her? With no Mauricio around, I do wonder if she'll be locally entertained enough to stay out of my hair more, or if I'll end up dealing with more drama (like usual). And the "OMG MOM MIGHT ABANDON ME AND MOVE TO ARIZONA!" thing. Abandonment fears work both ways around here.

We shall see, I guess.

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