Chaos Attraction

Staying the Same Is The Only Good Option

2019-03-26, 9:52 p.m.

Today’s therapy call was along the lines of “Um, I am really doing kind of badly for me this week, but every single “solution” I can think of to my problems isn’t one I am willing to do.” Not much your therapist can do with that one, especially when once again, I am still 100% unwilling to take medication in our current “we have no idea how it works, this is a blind pig in a poke, try any random drug for once and put up with horrible side effects for six weeks and THEN see if anything improves” situation. Plus the gag reflex from hell.

As usual, I always come to the conclusion that what I am doing--staying the course--is the only, real, and best option.
I will reconsider if biomarkers ever get off the ground (though I still don’t know what I’d do about the gagging on pills), but who knows if that’ll happen during my lifetime or not. As is, I am not okay at all with “pig in a poke guess and check” shit.

I actually got up the nerve to go to the “Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding” audition tonight. Nice people at it. Thank god the director didn’t seem to recognize me from my previous idiot “oh, wait, I can’t make half your rehearsal times” audition like six months ago. Some people were pretty obviously very good, others were at least amusing, one gets the impression that there’s a stable of performers and you know who’s going to get in. By which I mean, some folks got to do scenes over and over again and I...did one. I think I did the least of everyone, so you know how that’s going.

But it was fun. They did a little improv ball throwing, learning how to dance “Hava Negila” (however that is spelled, no idea), getting people to lipsync to certain songs and I went all balls out on “My Girl” and “YMCA.” So that was fun. I kept telling myself this was more of an improv class than anything else. I was also amused at the quote, "you don't want this play to be too elegant."

Looking at the roles, I figured the ones most likely to be for me were Marina the doormat or Sister Albert Maria, the horny weirdo nun. I got called on (kind of at the dead last minute, like “who doesn’t have a part yet?” but then again, it’s not like I’m known here) to play Maddie the stripper in the confessional box. Nobody would cast me as a stripper in a million years unless you’re doing improv, but I had fun doing it. I asked the father if he recognized me from work, just in case...I’m not Catholic, I’m Unitarian, I’m just hanging around a lot of Catholics already...I’m a dancer...not a ballerina...I work at Animal Kingdom, I’m the emu, I drop feathers in guys’s laps...yeah, that guy you mentioned with the Naugahyde underwear fetish sounds like someone I know... So that was fun.

Anyway...the thing with being on stage is that I totally get full of myself and think I’m the best thing ever, even if I am really, really NOT, and I don’t have good judgment over whether or not I suck at it. So at this point I need to pop my ego bubble, get rid of any expectations, and accept that I won’t be getting in the show. (Also, the rule with me in life is the Power of Opposite Thinking: if I think I am guaranteed to get what I want, I will NOT!) It was a fun experience and that is it. I have always wanted to see the Tony n’ Tina show, so I hope I’m not too butthurt in the end to decide I’m not going to see it at all when I don’t get in (a la Gumbo this year). I always think I am going to be "cool" about this shit and then end up not being cool when the rejection hits, so I need to figure out how to stop doing that.

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