Chaos Attraction

Regrets

2003-03-27, 4:56 p.m.

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Wish I knew then what I know now

You held all the cards and sold me out

Baby, shame on you if you fooled me once,

Shame on me if you fooled me twice

You've been a pretty hard case to crack

I should've known better but I didn't and I can't go back

Oooh, life goes on, and its only gonna make me strong

Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye cuz you can't go back

Oooh, its a fight, and I really wanna get it right

Where I'm at, is my life before me, Got this feeling that I can't go back -Life Goes On, LaAnn Rimes


On chat today, we were discussing one of those inevitable topics to do with high school and college girls- the Guy Obsessiveness thing. You know, when you like a guy, and either you got to go out with him and he got over you, or he never liked you Like That in the first place.

But you're friends (or "friends", or "friends with benefits"), and at first it's really great, and it's even almost like having him as a boyfriend. You may claim you just want to be friends, but deep down, that isn't the case.

And believe me when I say that the guy KNOWS that too, no matter how well you think you're hiding it. They can smell it like bloodhounds. And this will make him feel weird and perhaps kinda guilty, and it will eventually get to him. He doesn't want to deal with it any more. So he'll start at first slowly backing away from you, and not being there when he said he would, and flaking out on your plans, but if you try and confront him to get what you want, he at first says he'll do better, or nothing's wrong and he's just busy, or some excuse or other to make you think everything's okay. Except, he won't act any differently than he has been, and you still feel like crap. Eventually, he stops talking to you altogether and won't return your calls.

God, I've so been the fucking poster child for this. I used to be the Obsession Queen. And looking back on the whole thing, I just want to go back and time and bitchslap my younger self into oblivion for being an idiot and blindly Not Getting It. It seems like the only way to learn any better though is to go through it in the hardest way possible, though.

If I could go back and tell me what to do, here's what I'd say:

* You CANNOT be just friends with a guy you like like that. It destroys everything. Likewise, you can't be just friends with someone who likes you like that. Don't even TRY to be friends with them if you are in this situation. Stop speaking to them altogether, and you'll not only (a) be better off, but (b) get to the same place you were going to end up in anyway, but a whole lot faster and with a whole lot less pain.

* If you run into them a few years later and you're with someone else and have forgotten all about him, perhaps then it would work. But even that won't happen if you've tried to maintain any kind of relationship with them while you still had feelings for them. Yes, I know it hurts like hell to stop seeing the object of your affection. But it'll hurt worse if you don't.

* Don't date your friends if you're not interested in them just because they're interested in you and you don't have anybody better. That kills a friendship even faster than the above situation, and can get even uglier. (I nearly got tossed in a dumpster for doing this.)

* No matter how much you lie to yourself and lie to him about it, HE CAN TELL. And he will start to hate you after awhile if you don't get over this fast enough.

* When a guy says he just wants to be friends, it's fairly likely he means one of these things:

(a) "I don't want you to be mad at me, but otherwise I don't give a damn about you and don't plan on interacting with you beyond a 'hi' at parties we're both at."

(b) "I want you to magically get over your feelings and not want anything out of me at all, and be fine with whatever level of 'friendship' I feel like bothering with with you."

(c) "I want to be friends with you, but on MY terms, not yours. If you don't like it, then I'm outta here. You can't make demands on me if you're not my girlfriend."

(d) "I don't want to date you, ugh on that, but hey, the occasional fuckbuddy relationship works for me! No strings, you can't make any demands on me, and I get laid!"

I rather wish I could apologize to my exes for all the stupid shit I pulled on them. I wish I hadn't made things go completely to shit the way they did, I feel like I carry the ugliness of it on my soul or something. I deserve the hatred they feel for me. Perhaps they would have (at the time- probably not for my last ex now given the depression running rampant) made good friends had I just completely avoided them for a long time instead of still trying to have contact. But now that'll never happen. There's too much hatred on both sides- they wouldn't make an overture now because they think I'm a pathetic psycho, and if any did I'd have to turn it down because I couldn't forgive him (and me) for things going where they did. If that makes any sense. I've learned my lesson that I just can't be friends with anyone I used to love.


Yet another person I know who was childfree has now changed her mind and wants babies.

*sigh*

I always feel sad, finding stuff like that out.

I feel more alone in my not-rabid-for-babiesness than ever. I've been feeling left out for awhile now, really. There seems to be a big baby rush going on around everyone between 22-40 right now (damn the media! it's all their fault!), and I either look on and feel like a rotten person because I don't feel the right way, or I say something and then piss every parent in the room off, and then get told that I should shut up because I'm not a mommy and I don't know shit and I shouldn't have any opinions on this stuff because I'm not a mommy.

Boy, it's gonna be fun in the future if I don't ever have babies.

I honestly don't get why people get all gushy over babies specifically. Especially the ones that say seeing a baby makes their ovaries quiver and baby fever starts. I am just baffled at that.

I'm sure this will surprise, oh, everyone who knows me, but I'm really not a child/baby hater the way I sure must sound. (It seems like not being "everyone should have a baby!" means that you are a child hater of late. I don't get that, either.) I pretty much judge on a case-by-case basis there. Some kids are good, some kids are asses, same as adult people and animals. But just looking at a baby doesn't do the same thing to me that, say, looking at a cute furry baby animal of some sort does. I can get rather hypnotized looking at baby bunnies and have to be dragged away from the cage. And I'm not even that much of an animal-lover!

I don't feel that for babies. They're okay. Kinda fascinating in a way. I occasionally diddle around with my relatives' kids and it's fun. My cousin Tammy's kids are very sweet and if I had to have kids, I'd want them to come out like that. I'm amazed that Justin is four and has yet to turn into a hyper grubby troublesome semi-brat (like, dare I say it, the other little boy in the family right now), and I hope he keeps it up (but fear he won't and the Macho Boy Genes on both sides of the family will kick in). Baby Jessica in particular I find adorable- she's probably not the most stereotypically cute kid, but when she smiles it's so downright happy. There's one picture of her at three months that's at Mom's that I wish I had a copy of- she just looks so delighted I end up staring at that picture for quite some time.

And even that doesn't make me crave my very own baby. My ovaries must be in a coma. Normally I have feared having The Hormones kick in and suddenly I'd want a baby when I really shouldn't have one. Now I'm starting to wonder what would happen if they never did kick in.

I wonder what's wrong with me that I don't crave babies. I do think there's something wrong that I don't have feelings about them beyond "eh, they're okay." No hate, no particular love either. I don't much like feeling like I'm from a foreign country or something because I'm not feeling what most people "like me" do. I feel defective, like I'm missing something. Either that, or I just want to be one of the Popular Kids and jump off a cliff too. Okay, it's probably the latter.

I think mainly I just want to relate to women on some level, and I'm feeling these days like I'm from EvilBitchland and need to learn the customs of America. I feel alienated from my entire gender these days, and kind of wish the stereotypical Womanly Urges (of SOME kind) would kick in just so I wouldn't be a Bad Woman any more. I don't think I'm enjoying being bad any more the way I used to. Now I'm just incredibly beyond pathetic.


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