Chaos Attraction

Fear Factors

2006-03-29, 1:52 p.m.

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I have two more days until I have to decide if I'm moving next year or not.

After how well (or not well) apartment hunting went, I think I've pretty much decided not to move to another complex. Except for maintenance issues, I'm very happy with this one. And as Jess pointed out, I am way too fucking scared to go "take a chance on a new life" and upend everything for new and different anyway. Knowing how much hell is likely to go on in the next few years, I want a STABLE base, or at least have one area of my life that isn't going to cause me tons of trouble.

Unfortunately, I am still as undecided as ever about whether or not to get a single (in the same complex) or keep this one and attempt to find another roommate/nag the on-site manager incessantly to do repairs...or just pay double rent if I can't. I go back and forth on this so much. I can't believe I'm still as undecided on this after thinking about it for most of a YEAR.

Last night I ran into Brian (Heather's friend who lives in the complex, since you probably don't recall) in the hall. I know he used to live in one of the singles and then switched to a double, so I asked him what it was like. He said layoutwise it's really about the same minus a bedroom, and he liked knowing where all of his stuff was. On the other hand, he said it was so lonely that's why he got a cat.

Thing is, I LIKE living with people. It's more interesting. Hell, this week Ian and I went to Wal-Mart so he could look into making his own custom tool belt (designed to hold only items 3 1/2 inches long, since things like cell phones, Swiss Army knives, etc. all seem to be that size) and I could bead-shop, and we've been craft-geeking ever since. I also did interesting things when living with Hill and Heather. Living by myself, that stuff doesn't happen. I just stick to being by myself, watching DVD's obsessively and having it not ever occur to me that I should call someone that isn't my mother.

Jess made a point last night that I'm isolating myself and won't have anybody (er, local, anyway) when the big evil shit goes down on me. This is certainly true, but I don't really know how to fix it.

But... Essentially, this entire fucking problem is because of fear.

If I get a single: probably still a big financial layout to move, months of stress about packing, changing address listings everywhere, changing net access (do I lose my DSL e-mail entirely if it's disconnected for X # of days? Probably, right?), taking a Thursday and Friday off work and forcing Mom to do the same so we can move crap, finding somewhere to store furniture overnight (leases end Aug. 31 and start Sept. 1, so everyone in town has this problem, so there's nowhere to go), etc., etc.

Fear factor up to move: pretty high, but not quite as high as moving somewhere else entirely.

Fear factor after things are settled: Not so much, things will be pretty "permanently" settled for me from then on with regards to living situation, and I won't still be dealing with Flood Issues in a new apartment. And I won't be paying as much as I did for a double by myself. But I do wonder about the effects of isolating myself even more. I'm not sure if that's a good idea.

If I stay in my double: no big financial layout to move, but run the risk of paying double rent all year again. Will probably end up with a lot of wasted attempts at getting the floor fixed up that come to naught. Will most likely be undesireable as a roommate. May very well end up with the same "living alone" experience, but paying a hundred or more extra for it.

Fear factor for entire situation: 5-7 overall for the next 18 months, unless I find a roommate. Less stress in some ways and more in others.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I CAN'T FUCKING DECIDE. I don't like my options. There is no "makes Jen happy and stress-free" option.

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