Chaos Attraction

The Freaking Out Is Out Of Hand.

2009-04-01, 1:10 p.m.

No, this isn't an April Fool's post. I am too effing lazy to do pranks, to be honest. Plus I just can't pull off a "I'm going to stop whining, no, really" post, now can I? :P

Anyway, I have been having a massive cow of late and annoying my shrink. I cannot for the life of me figure out any Future Contingency Planning should I suddenly get screwed the way other people are. (Clearly, my old contingency plan from the last recession won't fly again.) I don't want to end up moving back home with Mom, never to see the light of day again, but I don't have anything to offer for pay in this crappy day and age beyond typing like a monkey. (I find it ironic that both my side jobs are ones I legally am not allowed to be paid for.) I have still not figured out any kind of entrepreneureal business that I actually want to do.

Also, I just paid an enormous dental bill AND ah, didn't notice what day I was supposed to tell my apartment complex I was returning on. (They moved it up by like 3 weeks. Oh CRAP.) I hope to god they don't kick me out for that.

I am up stress creek, screaming, pretty much.

So... I really, really, really should do more meditation. Because at this point it's either that or start taking drugs that make me ineligible to have individual insurance, and I am not going there.

Technically, I have been meditating since kindergarten (my school was weird), but it's not my favorite thing ever. I have realized over the last few years through taking meditation classes at work that...I really only like doing it in class/in a group. Because when I am in class and feeling squirmy and wanting to do something else and my brain won't shut up, I know that for the next however many minutes, "walk off and do something more fun than this" is NOT an option. At home by myself, I want to run away and go make something out of yarn or watch TV...and I can, because nobody but me is making me stay and I don't wanna stay!

Argh. But clearly the Freaking Out is out of hand. And I can't seem to figure out what I want to do now, or any practical plan, and all I do is whine at people and wake up at 5 a.m.

So...I should do the 30 days thing and make myself meditate for as many of them as I can manage. (I am pretty sure that if I go to Disneyland, I won't be doing it that day, at least.) The teacher of the class of course thinks you should be doing it every day...especially if *cough* you're taking advanced meditation *cough*.

This is gonna drive me crazy too, isn't it?

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