Today's April Fool's, who cares, even Google doesn't care any more. I will note that my boss's kid tried to prank her by coming back from a bike ride and claiming he hurt his arm...I'll note that would be an AGAIN this year....I was all, "Not funny" and laughed anyway. Other than that, I was not fried today, but my coworkers said they were all a little brain dead. Yup. Things were chill, at least.

Per an article on Vox, I found out that people on Etsy are selling vaccine card holders. I have ordered one, which now solves the whole "to laminate or not?" quandary.

Tonight I am watching a play called 'Sensitive Guys" on Zoom Theatre. Kelly's going to watch it in a few days, this should be an interesting discussion. (I recommended that she check out Zoom Theatre since she's figuring out how to stage/direct the play over Zoom.)

I say this has great music (I heard some Crazy Ex-Girlfriend as "lobby music,") , and they start it out with horrible "sexy" ads with slutty looking women and creepy guys, you know the sort, while playing "Blurred Lines." Welcome to Watson College, and a group looking to stop sexual assault (and pick out a good acronym). This show has four actors switching characters, and they actually show some of them changing clothes to portray guys in a men's privilege group (which is also changing names). They debate how one would head off seeing someone roofie a woman's drink. Next scene is between a professor and a female student, who can't QUITE say "a guy in this class raped me" and the professor warns her that she's a mandated reporter, so if she goes beyond hedging.... So she doesn't outright say, but she asks if the GUY can be switched out of the class instead of her having to lose the class.... The professor is of course all "Well, we can't get rid of him for NO REASON" and "why don't you take a rest?" and when the girl says she wants to graduate with her class but not see the guy again...well, why don't YOU leave? Or think REAL HARD about this....

Back to the ladies' group, except this time it's a survivors' support group: "He's never going to get over being a man," one says. The previous girl arrives and things are awkward. "He hurt me, he threatened me, and he got aggressive with me." They say they'll do whatever she wants. They mention that men's group and she says "He's in it." SO WHICH ONE DID IT?/!?! "We know them all." Cut to...one of the women and one of the guys I think...and the girl asks about BDSM. Oh boy. "So no one in your group has ever assaulted someone?" "I didn't say that." Would you report it? Uh..... The girl wants "space" and the guy is all "You know I'm one of the better boyfriends out there!" At the guy's group: "Are we all rapists?" "Well, we all just admitted we've..." Oh man. The dumped guy clearly feels bad about the breakup and starts ranting a bit. "It doesn't come easy being a sensitive guy!" We're not going to report any of us? We're trying to reform! Maybe we should all just disband. Now we're back to the raped character (sorry, no clue on her name) being partnered with some dude in creative writing class. "Are you really running a dominatrix business out of your bedroom?" Um.... The guy doesn't really get why the guy was going for a dominatrix experience and then starts dominating her, and doesn't believe how he was bullying her...OH JESUS. Cut to another girl who's being stalked. More stories about assault.

Eventually we get back to the original girl. The women's support group point out that the police won't do shit and the counselor may not believe you. "I just found that peer support was more helpful." Oh, her name's Leslie. She gets a bright idea to say something at a presentation to new students... Men's group: "Not stopping when she says no. Not stopping when she says no the second time. " And we know who did it now. The men's group members are dropping like flies. "Did something happen to somebody?" A male professor interviews a guy who is feeling uncomfortable. "I'm sure everyone in the group has messed up at some point," the professor says when the student hedges about what if someone did something wrong. What if it was me? The professor tries to encourage the student and points out that "you can't afford to sabotage your future." A guy tries to interview a female musician, who wants to blow him off because "you're not my audience," and "if I could make my shows women-only spaces, I would." They get along better once the guy reveals his aunt was raped and is a fan. He wants to start a new group. We're back at the same girl at the start doing her college presentation again. Other girls start handing papers out. "Rape happens here!" they chant. They are drowned out by...vacuums? Overall I enjoyed it, but I did get confused as to whose character was whose after awhile. Specifically at the end where I thought it was Tyler (the one whose girlfriend dumped him) and then suddenly it's all, no, he's Danny, he was the rapist!" and I was all whaaaat?

The talkback afterwards was interesting. Notable moments: * I'm not sure how old the director was--I'd guess mid-30's--but somehow they apparently had never heard of Monica Lewinsky and that whole thing had to be pointed out to them when a reference was made to it. You could see some of the cast lighting up and one of them hopped on their phone.... * A nonbinary cast member said they work in construction (aiee!!!!) and they're not out at work and thinks that all the guys there are really performing their masculinity and they just want to say, "We get it, you're a man, it's okay." And also to lay off the "pretty baby" crap. * There was some discussion as to whether or not there's a point in reporting a rapist when almost nobody supports you at it, which is something the survivors' group pointed out to Leslie. I haven't been raped myself yet ("that's bleak," the director said, but uh...what is it, one out of three?) but from what I've heard, there's no point in reporting it when you're only going to suffer more and the guy will most likely get away with it. And in this show, the raped character had some kind of dominatrix thing going on with the dude and then he uh, turned the tables on her, so you know that'd be even worse if that came out. Oy.

Anyway, will be interesting to discuss with Kelly later.

No April Fool on this: I've decided to more or less give up on Scott. Not stop caring about him, not stop hoping that someday we get together--but I'm officially giving up in my heart on trying to improve/deepen/continue any sort of connection we had before the pandemic. I feel like things are just not working, that I'm being Too Much, that maybe he's just plain over it and distance has killed the feelings he had for me, and I just feel bad at wanting to contact him any more. I don't know what's going on, he's not going to tell me and I sure as fuck can't ASK. If he doesn't want to or can't or whatever the fuck it is, I can't make this work alone and I feel bad when I keep trying a lot of the time. I never know how it's going to go and that makes me feel like shit, and fuck this. If I can't find out, we're gonna go nowhere.

I'm not going to try to any more. I won't text him (unless he texts me first, but hahahahaha no), I'm not going to try to see him at the store, no more presents unless he actually wants to do Christmas presents. Let's just end it in my heart on trying. Let him be alone if that's what he wants. The last thing I want to do is pressure him, and I probably have been too much with the cards and the presents and shit like that.

I feel better already, giving up on the idea of trying, actually. Let him go. Let him just do whatever he's going to do, let the idea of this connection die already instead of trying to save a dying plant. I feel like shit when I keep trying and I get wildly varying responses and I have NO IDEA if he wants me around/wants to see me/wants to hear from me from time to time. I'm tired of that shit. I would bet large amounts of money that I don't hear from him again except maybe at the end of the year holidays if I'm not the one initiating anyway, and I'm tired of it all having to be me, wondering if he even wants to hear from me or not. I want frequently positive responses in order to want to keep going, and I have no effing idea with someone who is broody. Fuck it.

Maybe in a year or two, if being in groups can ever happen again, there might be a hope of it happening. I don't like to know. I'd like to hope so. But it's time to at least somewhat emotionally move on, or even look for someone else to focus on, rather than hoping for a miracle that ain't happening in 2021.

I desperately hope something changes for the better, but I don't see any evidence of that happening as long as things stand now (six feet apart indefinitely, hanging out with groups of friends not approved by the CDC, him working constantly, whatever). I would bet large amounts of money that if I don't text him or see him for six months, nothing happens anyway, because that's how he rolls and that's how life goes.* BLEAH, but there it is. I've spent months fighting with this in my soul wanting hope, and that isn't working. How much longer am I supposed to hang in there with nothing?

Note: I stopped actually updating this blog at the end of March and it's now November and I'm finally trying to get around to posting everything I barfed into 750words.com before Holidailies. In retrospect now, I can pretty much say this six month thing was about 95% accurate.)
As for a miracle in 2021....well, in November, we'll see....it's still 2021...

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