Long day. Another Easter that doesn't feel like Easter. I hope to god this is the last one spent alone like this. It felt like a normal ordinary day, except for the holiday texts (Loretta, my coworkers, and Mom, who brought up Fenton's and then I got sad). Mom asked if I was going to do anything special for food and well, l hardboiled some eggs for egg salad and made brownies. And I ate peanut butter eggs. So, I guess?

First off, I spent two hours on Webex with Kelly and Shanna, (a) reading the first two scenes of "Jackie and the Queen," and then (b) discussing the staging of the suffragist play. It was a lot of fun.

Second off was collage club (vision board group? I feel like we still need to discuss a team name or something). It was somewhat shorter than usual since Doreen went off to have a fancy Easter lunch with Ian early on and Sarah went off to garden and Meg went off with Stephen, but we did nail down everyone's questions for the Transformation Game. I think the suggestions of "What steps do I take to manifest my dream life?" is a good one in general, if I was ever trying to have my dream life. Sadly, I don't think mine is at all compatible with a SAFE life, which is far more of a priority to me. 'Help me find the connections" (for whatever) is also good, along with "How do I overcome the obstacles that are preventing me from doing X?"

I mostly hung out with Jade after the rest left (she apologized for last week). She really can't think about much beyond having her last few teeth being pulled out, it costing a gajillion dollars, etc. She asked for crowdfunding on Facebook and got a lot of nice responses, but Jade's own sister completely lost her shit and started slandering her on FB and seriously, wtf. On the uh, good news side, I guess, she has a crush on her "denture man." I found this interesting since Jade has said she has no interest in ever getting into a relationship again, so I asked how that goes. She was all, I have no idea if he's single or what, I'll be seeing him for something like 30 appointments, we'll see on a friendship, more or less. I guess him being some sort of medical professional isn't a concern there? I admit all the teeth stuff was very triggering to me given my bad teeth, but I tried to ah, not say that. I did get a bit obviously squicked when she started showing me denture pictures, though.

She did say that she talked to some friends who lost their homes in the Santa Cruz fires and they said they were afraid of becoming attached to anything of value because it might be taken away from them, and one said that they now had "a hole so big that nothing could fill it." Another said they would be fine one minute and then trying to think of what to make for dinner puts them in a tailspin. (Though these days, that might be the 2020's in general :P)

Anyway....I will see how the appointment with the psychic intuitive goes, but I'm about thisclose to giving up on the whole Scott situation. I can't do anything to make someone feel better when all of that is going on, especially at a distance, and the whole thing feels pointless and stupid and dying/dead now, so why bother making myself feel like shit in continuing to try to maintain a connection with someone who can't/won't/whatever. I did stumble across this today and obviously it reminded me of things the way they used to be. To quote Doctor Nerdlove, "The problem is that you and your bud already are attracted to each other. You both know it. You both are trying to avoid it… but you both know it’s there.." If you avoid having intimate conversations, not to mention spending time together, well. That's probably all for the best.

Then I had to call Jackie, who was all upset regarding her uncle, who has always sounded like somewhat of a divey sort (doesn't like to work full time, "Christian missionary" in Japan, has a lot of kids and no money, shows up for a couple months with hordes of kids and lives at her grandma's and the place is a condo so it's not that big for NINE.). Apparently her grandmother wants to know what happened with the money in the family trust that he pulled out, and upon being asked this, he wrote a lot of long, defensive emails she wanted advice about. I think I can figure out the answer to this one already reading these emails: he took out the money to go back and forth to the US, he spent it, he won't be putting it back because he is "only a paycheck or two away from homelessness," end of story. But she was pretty upset and I think her uncle's definitely on the list of People I'm Ditching After My Grandmother Dies, which sounds legitimate. I think I talked her into not getting into it with him because what's the point. Think about when you declare a war or that you're quitting someone, I said.

After all of that, I went out on the patio, walked around for 6000 steps, and read a book until it got too chilly-ish to be out--and also the sirens kept going off and off and off again. Then per the whole "Jackie and the Queen" play thing, I watched the documentary I found on Netflix, "Elizabeth and Margaret: Love and Loyalty."

I am totally stumped on the fingering yarn dress idea and how to handle it, so after talking with Shanna today about what she wants in a unicorn sweater, I attempted to start this today. Then fucked it up a million times over today, I swear. Ugh.

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