Woke up at the crack of dawn to find out that Prince Philip had died. I may be a royal watcher, but I don't feel strongly about this. I never cared much about him one way or the other. I'm happy he and the Queen had a love match, whatever the hell that entailed under the circumstances. I feel bad for her. I'm jealous that she only had one love all her life and got him from a very early age. Supposedly he did whatever good stuff was behind the scenes. And yet in public he was semi-frequently popping off with some racist shit, though I admit that whole "how do you get the Scottish people not to be drunk while driving" or whatever it was did make me laugh (though hello, aren't those your subjects?). I dunno how accurate the whole Matt Smith version of him is, I have read that supposedly Philip wasn't THAT much of a difficult pain in the arse compared to the show, but who knows.TV Philip is frequently an arse, so.

I'll talk about the better parts of my day first: I signed up for a Tunisian crochet class at Stitches Online, which is doing another online festival this weekend. Since I didn't have any work Zoom meetings, I snuck watching several presentations (off my own computer) involving dyeing yarn, something involving math that I did not comprehend, and Knitted Knockers. That last one was fun and I wish I could have actually paid more attention to it instead of spending all bleeding day long on BUT THE EMAILS. I am happy to report that the avalanche of shit is cut down by about half now, so there's that, at least.

I didn't really talk to anyone unless I had to today, i.e. computer stopped doing shit again and I had to get Hope to fix it. I was just enduring the day. Though I am happy to report that my younger coworker seems to have worked out her situation, at least, so good for her there.

The Tunisian crochet class actually went very well, I think I've more or less figured out all the stuff he was teaching. I have tried to figure it out myself/via the Internet and not really had any clue, so this worked out and got what I came in for.

The psychic went about as .... well, badly as I would have expected re: what I was asking, and a little worse. Because OF COURSE IT WAS. Because THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT HAPPENS TO ME (even though Lynn said not to say that, uh...it does!).

Well, it was bad news and good news, as it were.

I haven't told anyone I know yet. I don't look forward to having this conversation with anyone. Especially collage club, because we're supposed to game on Sunday and I am just gonna want to fucking sob on Zoom for hours instead. And my therapist is taking next week off, fuck.

It's more him than me. He doesn't know how to do relationships. Doesn't have a huge amount of insight. No huge desire on his part to get into a relationship (though this part baffled me given some of the things he's said in the beforetimes). He likes our relationship on his own terms and would only want to see someone a few times a year, so it would never be more. (Again, this doesn't sound like what I heard out of him regarding his most famous ex....but what do I know. Nothing. I got it all wrong.) He's screwed up emotionally.

"I don't get that he's going to change no matter what you do." He's not going to change, he doesn't know how to do relationships, I'd need to change myself about the relationship and of course that's not good enough. I could try to work it out with him, "I could be wrong," but yeah right, right? Actions speak louder than words.

The image she got is that I'm looking at a closed door, but there's other opportunities here. She thinks there may be a couple more opportunities in the next year ("and not the next five years," she thinks within the next year...be interesting to see how that would happen in pandemic). "Relatively soon." She said she wasn't good at physical descriptions of people or where you're going to meet--of course not, right?

This is what she said about the potential future guy: "does seem quirky," interested in a lot of things, good with his hands, interest in music. "I just kind of see him in your neighborhood but you don't know him now. Your paths seem to cross frequently but not someone you think of as a love interest." Brother of a friend? Really nice, sense of humor, invents stuff. Loyal, caregiver, thoughtful, good friend. Not love at first sight (GODDAMMIT), maybe you meet in the neighborhood/class/volunteer job. Friends first (HUGE SIGH). He's into creative arts, you meet in a similar way. It's hard to define what he does--eclectic skill set and income streams, involved in theater. Behind the scenes person (darn it, would have liked another actor...). Said he's lived in the area for a long time, knows a lot of people, has loyal friends. Has been in a relationship but isn't on the rebound. A year or so out of it, maybe split for college/work. They were stuck, she moved away but he's not pining--more like relieved. Open to having a new relationship, will do LTR's. "I'm definitely feeling hope." Not a long wait like five years--"feels like within the year."

"I definitely believe there's a guy for you here."

I'll note that this description almost sounds exactly like Meg's son Ian, except for (a) I already know him and (b) mutual total lack of attraction whatsoever and (c) as far as I know he's not into theater and he doesn't seem into music either. I'd also wonder if it was someone at the Craft Center except the CC has pretty much been out of commission for like a year. Now I'm wondering if it's someone who does set stuff at DMTC or whatever--that sounds like the most promising option at this point.

She did ask if I was set on this happening or was willing to look for someone else, "and five is not an answer" (i.e. can't answer something in the middle). I said I would like it to happen, but if someone better comes along, I'd be open to that.

On the one hand...yeah, obviously it was heading in this direction, wasn't it? He's probably over it. He definitely doesn't care like I do, like AT ALL. I always thought he did care. I wouldn't have even entertained continuing to hang around him if I thought he didn't, I would have fucking bailed already. I sure as fuck wouldn't have said some of the things I wrote down, I really fucking wish I hadn't done that. I wouldn't have had I thought it wasn't mutual and going to happen someday. Really, I should have gone to a professional at the beginning of the pandemic so I could have worked on getting over him sooner.

I'm never going to talk to him again. Well, if by some miracle theater group socializing happens again, I suppose I might have to be coolly polite if we're in each other's vicinity, but I'm never texting him again, I'm not going to go visit him at the shop (if by some chance I go over, I'm avoiding him...or just go back to Joann's again). He's cut off. This is done. He doesn't care even remotely like I do and I feel like an idiot. No more presents. No more anything.

God, I wish I could just go talk to Redhead Sarah about this.

WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE SO MANY SIGNS ABOUT THIS STUFF FOR MOST OF THE LAST TWO YEARS IF IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE? Why all this signs about waiting for him? IF NONE OF IT MATTERED OR WAS REAL, WHY DID ALL THAT STUFF HAPPEN?! Like RECENT signs, no less! A book literally falling on Jade's head! "This love is true and will last unto death!" I do not understand and I feel like a FOOL. I can't believe anything any more.

Seriously, why so many fucking signs if it was going to be nothing? I asked for signs if it was the RIGHT one. Not the wrong one. Not so fucking many signs for someone who's wrong. That's AWFUL. That makes me ANGRY.

If there's no ping, there's nothing. I knew that all along but wondered if this was going to be an exception. It's not. Honestly, I thought he was just hurt by an ex and slow to get back into having relationships again. I didn't think he was that bad, or fucking incapable altogether.

I'm really disappointed on not getting to know him better. To be in more plays together. To hear him sing. To talk in silly voices for fun. To do the things I wanted to do post-pandemic. That's the suck thing about specific people: there's something unique about them that you really liked and you'll never get to experience that again ever once they're out of your life. He has nice parents and family. Hell, there's even a yarn store. We didn't have to argue about the kids issue or the name change issue. All of that could have been so nice.

And frankly, I felt like there was an awesome story developing here and now it's all shot to hell. That really pisses me off, too. I really believed, dammit.

But I guess I won't have to give up eating cream cheese. So there's that. I guess.

On the other hand: I have occasionally visited random cheap psychics at fairs and whatnot and have been brutally unimpressed with the results. Like, fucking nothing or bullshit. So actually being told "another one comes along within a year" is great. I kinda wish it was more specific on certain topics, but whoever it is sounds like my sort of type, anyway. So I'd much rather hear that than "another five years" or frankly, never. So that helps. God, I hope it's true. I'm so motherfucking sick of being single and alone.

And I admit I want someone who ACTUALLY WANTS ME and isn't going to go off and sulk and brood and whatthefuckever. Who actually wants to have some fucking conversations more than once in a while. Who hopefully isn't hot and cold. I presumably won't miss that shit hurting my feelings. I want to be wanted by someone who wants me and who I'd want back. (Though friends first? Fuck that noise again. Let's do instalove, baby. None of this dragging out for years.)

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