Chaos Attraction

I Don't Know What I Want

2005-04-13, 4:06 p.m.

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So, there has been the possibility of A Thing coming into my life.

Some of y'all know what I'm talking about, and some of y'all don't. For those of you who don't, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to tell what I'm referring to unless it actually ever happens. (Even if you whine.) If it doesn't, things shall remain status quo anyway, so you're not missing anything.

Suffice it to say, I have been wondering about and debating about a Big Change Thing that may or may not happen.

For months now, I have been fairly sure the Thing would happen, and the end of today is kind of the deadline for finding out. And The Thing is... something that in theory I am not happy about, and in practice may or may not be happy about. It has the possibility for greatness, or much chaotic stress and arguments, or all of the above. I have been pretty happy with the status quo in my life (other than a smallish number of friends and the parent drama), and this would certainly upset the balance, which is why I wasn't happy to hear about it. I swear I've been feeling the Dramatic Winds Of Change (or my inner chaos magnet) building up since March started, and this would be the biggest of all. Doesn't help that like every astrology site I've read in the last four months has been all "Big, dramatic, drastic, but really good changes coming! For YOU! Especially at eclipse time!"

At the time I found out about The Thing, it was presented to me as An Offer You Can't Refuse, Or Avoid, Or Get Out Of. So for months I've been trying to mentally acclimate myself to the situation. This has only worked somewhat well, and I've been hoping that The Thing will somehow go awry and my life won't change. Because if The Thing comes into my life, I fear everything will be thrown topsy-turvy, and it probably would be.

But.

Things change on the Deadline Day. Suddenly now that it's here, my instincts have suddenly shut off and gone dead, and instead of being fairly confident that I could deal with The Thing, half the day is over and nothing has happened and the very real possibility has come up that The Thing may very well not happen after all. Which is what I wanted, RIGHT?

But now I don't know any more.

I told Heather (one of the few who knows what The Thing is) the other night that no matter how the results came out of The Thing situation, I was going to be both happy and miserable. Seriously. If The Thing occurs, my life goes whirlwind crazy, and I won't be happy about that...but it might have a good outcome. If The Thing doesn't occur, my life stays as it is, and I will be happy and fine with that. I don't want things to be disturbed. I believe I will be better off without The Thing. I don't really want The Thing to happen.

But at the same fucking time, I am feeling a massive wave of disappointment that The Thing hasn't happened. After all, if you spend as much mental time as I have on this issue, it's a downer to realize that er, you wasted a lot of time and a lot of blabbing and angst and feel like a fool for getting your hopes up. This wasn't even something I thought would ever happen, and the timing was asstastic, but on some level, thinking that it won't happen is making me feel let down. And I HATE that "I really believed and instead I got a bitchslap" feeling SO MUCH.

Course, if The Thing had happened earlier today, we'd have an entirely different journal entry going on in which I'd be having an enormous panic attack. But instead, I'm insecure and have decided I'm nuts for ever thinking this was going to happen in the first place, no matter who told me it was.

Dammit, I'm not happy either way, and this is ridiculous!


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