Down With Love
2004-04-19, 10:43 p.m.
I found some interesting reading yesterday that made me think.
After I bought the ticket for Kill Bill yesterday, I had a good fifty minutes or so between buying that ticket and the next showing of Ella to kill. So I wandered into the used bookstore in hopes that the books being used might cause me to spend a LITTLE less money in a store. While browsing, I found the novelization of the movie Down With Love. I haven't seen the movie- I kind of wanted to, but I figured the whole Doris Day thing would irritate the bejeezus out of me- but the novelization claims to have part of the heroine's book, Down With Love. And ahem, I suddenly felt the urge to see how this worked.
I wouldn't say that sublimating sexual/love urges with chocolate is all that productive for everyone with two X chromosomes, but I had to enjoy the attitude behind the writing. (Even if uh, certain plot twist in the book/movie kinda invalidates things.) Well, until I remembered that this is a romance and the entire purpose of the plot is to prove that sort of thinking wrong.
I've found it astoundingly easy to go back into my typical non-boyfriended mindset. I'm sure it helped that he lived out of town for the entire relationship and most of the time I was having the same old life that I would without a boyfriend, but I never quite got used to saying that I even had a boyfriend/"fiance." Likewise, with previous ex, I was still adjusting to couplehood after most of a year when I finally got the boot. I'm so used to thinking of myself in a single context.
But anyway, as I'm reading this book, I'm thinking, why can't there REALLY be a Down With Love book? Or at least a "Dude, you seriously don't need a man to make you happy, chill out about it and enjoy yourself as yourself!" book, if not a "screw every guy in sight and eat chocolate" book. Is there anything out there like that? Probably not, because it'd get the DWL treatment or worse.
But hell, there's tons of reasons to enjoy being single! TONS! I heard someone tonight say that they could barely remember when they'd had an entire night alone to themselves, and it made me sad. I've been enjoying myself on these nights where all I had to do was have fun entertaining myself. I've loved delving into my interests, which I usually just can't do in as much detail when I'm with a guy. I'm loving NOT being concerned with some guy or other and worrying about/fantasizing about someone that I want to get down with, which I have done ever since the hormones kicked in. I feel like someone unchained me. Even on days that are kind of assy (today wasn't fabu) I'm still kinda happy. I'm so glad that I'm not focusing on someone else to make me happy, or trying to figure out how I can make someone else do what I want. I'm not missing this empty presence that I want to be in my life. I finally got that relationships are stressful and not all peaches and cream ideal. And that hey, it's damned great to not have this stuff! The adult relationship that I thought I wanted isn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be. There's a lot required for a relationship to last, and I don't think I can or want to do it all. And I'm fine with not having that! It pleases me no end to finally be happy about being me, alone, spinstered forever if that's the case.
It's also definitely cool to have a roommate who's pretty much in the same place, even if unlike me, Heather has multiple guys on vague strings of interest. It's kind of funny how she's interested and yet not interested in making things longer-lasting at once. But hey, she knows her mind, now if she can only get the guys to work it out with her...
As for me, I think I'm good by myself. I'm not missing any more. He was a good person, and great in a relationship, but when it came to the life shit, it was never going to work out. Maybe it'll never work out with anyone. But I'll be fine. No need to cling on to a guy like a life raft even when I'm deeply worried that things are going to hell because I can't stand to be alone. Now I can.
Yeah, sure, someday, in several years' time, love will probably come around and kick my ass once again as usual. Much as I hate to admit it, this song is probably right: even if you go hide, there will be some way that love can come around and shoot you in the ass with an arrow. I'll get involved against my better judgement, things will go well, he'll get fed up and dump me, lather, rinse, repeat. But at least now I know there's a lot to look forward to afterwards.