Chaos Attraction

A Little Kooky in the Squirrel Cage

2020-04-21, 3:03 p.m.

Around the end of the day yesterday I heard from Robert, wanting to rehearse for Tempest (he signed up for Prospero). So, yay. He also recruited Brian for it as well, so we discussed rehearsing for the next few days. I mentioned maybe throwing a party and he said he was rehearsing with someone else that day though. Sigh.

Today was rather chill, as Tigress backed off for the day and I got some stuff done. I have to have 5+ hours of training on Wednesday and Thursday though, SIGH. Did have a one on one with my boss in which I straight up said that we're going to have to figure out what falls by the wayside, falls through the cracks and doesn't get done because I literally can't do my job + Tigress's job + all the emails, so my job is going to have to fall by the wayside, and I don't know how I am going to handle it when I am the only one left. She was all hoping we'd get through HR by then or else she and I would have nervous breakdowns. I seriously wonder how close I am to that. We also talked about attempting to throw Tigress a retirement party--I sent her various party links I've compiled (though have I done anything for mine? no. Am I going to bother? Probably not, because who are we kidding?) and talked about how to create a memory book on Shutterfly, though we don't have so many photos in the last few years for that and who knows how the hell we're gonna sign it.

I did get to talk to my shrink today, as we had No Printer Meetings. Huzzah. She didn't have any death-defying stories today, but she did sneeze six times in a row and then said she was sitting by a blustery window. We both concurred she's the most at-risk person I know. I tried to be polite about it but she was all, "Why be polite?"

Quotes from her today:

"You can worry about anything if you so choose, but why?"
"You have way too much time on your hands that you're not using well." (Cue "Too Much Time On My Hands" in my brain, thanks.)

She straight up told me I was insane for worrying about shit like, "What if I'm cutting up stuff late at night after taking a shower and I'm just in my bathrobe and I accidentally cut off a finger and I have to drive to the hospital mostly naked?" Which to be fair, was something I was doing or at least having a brief thought about every Sunday night while making lunches and cutting up fruit back in the old world, but I mentioned it as a thing I wonder about (albeit not recently! no fruit to cut up!) and she thought it was pretty stupid. I think it's a little reasonable. Or at least I should put on pants before I break out a knife for anything.

After saying something about how there are ways I could behave differently from how I am dealing with things now: "That's why I think you're being ridiculous. You'd rather talk yourself out of it and and then whine and complain. It's all fantasy and it's not real." True.

No joke on this last bit: "I'd rather hear you whine about Scott."

Eh....I think I am just going to try to deal with it, you know? Maybe in three years we might, but we're just not gonna be talking for the duration of this and I need to accept it. If he doesn't wanna, he doesn't wanna, I can throw the ball but someone's gotta catch it, etc. And let's face it, I get annoyed AF when people (not just him) ignore it when I throw the ball, and if I know I'm gonna get mad about that, then fuck it, I'm not asking. There's enough in life that makes me mad as is without bringing it upon myself and it is way too important to Not Be A Naggy Bitch socially. Take the hint, they aren't interested.

I watched some Colbert bit today (I forget which video it was in, I was watching it while walking around the house) and he said something like "a little kooky in the squirrel cage." YEAH, I LIKE THIS.

I listened to this interview with Lori Gottlieb and I liked the things she said on it, like having things "coronavirus normal" in which you come up with some different kind of routine that makes you feel better/safer, however that works. That explains a lot about the shit we get up to, doesn't it?

Today's crying fit of the day (just one, so that's doing well for me): Mom just offered to get me a food delivery for dinner on my birthday. I am too afraid to deal with takeout (packaging! doors! I can't leave food outside for 24 hours! I don't touch my mail for a week and I can't do that with food!) so I told her no. Sigh. Goddammit.

Tonight I did over-the-phone rehearsal with Robert and Janene (filling in for anyone else in the scenes), which was fun. Miranda is what I call "easy Shakespeare," i.e. not so many lines. Thoughts on this:

I'm still trying to figure out why Prospero calls his kid "wench" regularly (geez) because apparently that can mean "young girl" OR "prostitute." (Explains a lot about the Renaissance Faire, doesn't it?) I

am also amused that in their first scene Prospero keeps essentially being all "Are you listening? Are you paying attention to me?" as he explains his past and I'm all, are you kidding? She just said she's been waiting her whole life for you to dish the dirt on past history and how you got to the island, I'm pretty sure under those circumstances the girl ain't staring into space while twirling her hair, bored off her ass. What the heck is Shakespeare's subtext with this? (I'm reminded of "Bear your body more seemly, Audrey.") Maybe I should wear my Rapunzel wig and like, braid my hair or something while in the scene? Except I put all these flowers into the braid of the wig and that was tedious to attach in back in the day, so maybe not. Also, what with speaker view on Zoom, I don't think they're seeing what the hell I do when I'm not talking anyway, so why bother.

I did not recall that Caliban tried to rape Miranda. I need to remember that during the actual play reading. He's not just a creeper, he's a wannabe rapist. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I did enjoy her falling into instalove with Ferdinand. Of course, he is like, the first cute guy she saw EVER and the third guy she ever saw At All. I think they're very cute together, though. I enjoyed reading the ingenue lines. Twas fun.

At one point Janene was reading some song Ariel did and was all, "This should be a rap song." Bwahahahahaha.

After that we discussed how Robert was trying to recruit other people into empty slots for the show. I said I'd plugged the show for Midsummer but since nobody else was interested I didn't bother to do it again (again, not gonna be a naggy bitch and I will take the hint and go away) and he said he just actually calls people directly. He also said that Scott usually can't do this stuff because of no Internet at home and I said well, as far as I know he could do it at the store on Sundays when not working. It also occurred to me after the call that one can just phone call into Zoom calls. But whatever. Is it my business to get into this? Am I the right messenger for this?

Despite all of these tarot readings I watch online constantly saying mostly otherwise that he wants it but just won't say anything as yet, can I really believe that? If I hear the same thing over and over again, has it gone beyond "it's a sign" and more like "that's just shit all the readers say because that gives their readers hope and then they subscribe?" Am I just deliberately hearing what I want to hear?

I mean, what do I fucking expect from watching "WILL THIS SEPARATION EVER END?! THEIR THOUGHTS ON NO CONTACT CHARM PICK A CARD" (I chose deck 1, btw), Because clearly I want someone to draw the "Reconciliation" card and tell me it's going to get better because he pulls his head out of his ass or whatever, without me trying again or again and getting mad that I made the attempt and didn't take the hint to stop. I will note that the "Let Your Friends Help You" card did come up with that....and then it comes up with "Heart to Heart Conversation" and I'm all yeah, not having that one even though I think it's needed. I get it, he's scared and he doesn't want to (yet) and I can't poke him with a stick about it.

Hm, yes, I do think I am doing more "talking myself out of" again, and also I am not sane.

But seriously: (a) think he loves me as a friend but is not in love per se, (b) is not as into me and that is not equal (and while I don't mind if he loves others and me, I think that having at least his ex and Cameron to focus on kinda dilutes the focus for him in a way I don't have going on), (c) said he's not ready and I have had zero indicators that that has changed and don't think I shall be getting any under the circumstances and (d) due to shit like scarcity and sixteen years, this is not as important to him as it is to me. That's clear. That's unbiased. That is going on facts. I may be crazy, but I also don't think I'm wrong either. The whole thing just feels like "back off" energy to me and he's probably just into brooding a lot or whatever again. I don't LIKE it, but I'm going to do what I think pleases him (even if it doesn't please me) and I think that's not to be around during this difficult time. I'd need some indicator from him that it's okay and right now other than a billion most likely biased tarot readings, it just doesn't feel like it is?

previous entry - next entry
archives - current entry
hosted by