Chaos Attraction


2003-04-25, 8:00 p.m.

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Since seeing Jess yesterday, I have been pondering going back to "the old crowd" again.

"The old crowd" of which I refer is the gang that I hung out with sophomore to senior years of college. Mostly guys, mostly computer geeks, social life and gatherings arranged via the school IRC channel.

Why did I drop out? A bunch of strange reasons, really:

(a) Right around graduation, I ended up quitting the computer club most of us were in and felt funny about that.

(b) I suspected some people there had crushes on me, and I just wasn't up to dealing with it.

(c) New job stuff (this was when I got my last promotion at the paper) coming up.

(d) This was around the time where I started taking up 3wa chat, and frankly, that was a lot more interesting most of the time to follow. Most of the time at this point, irc had turned into mostly computer talk. I would load up both windows, but one was drastically more entertaining than the other.

So one day I logged off irc, and never came back. It was weird, it was strange. I felt rather bad for "bailing," but I'd been feeling funny. I have occasionally heard from people since then, but once in a great while.

I have been missing having my own "crowd" to hang out with. Mostly mine is Dave's at this point, with a few scattered friends here and there.

Last night I was all thinking, "Damn, when I go to work tomorrow I am so logging back on and saying hi again!" This morning, well...

Having this urge to come back is throwing me off. Normally I cut my losses and don't realistically look back, because it's just too weird. I don't really know what I'd say, even. "Uh, hi, why did I take off? Emotional crisis again? Since then I've been laid off a few times, got rehired a few, got a boyfriend, got engaged, got pneumonia, life's been a soap opera."

I have occasionally tried to get on and had difficulties, but I tried again today. Couldn't get connected to the server somehow. (Which makes no sense- I can't get access to a WORK server, yet I can get access to another channel not work-related?) I don't know how to feel about that. Kinda relieved, kinda upset at once.

Maybe I'll try at home next week, after Dave's gone home.

Frightening concepts of the day: "biological house clock" and "biological marriage clock."

I fear that in a few years, when my Official Saturn Return hits like a ton of bricks, that I too will start having Clocks Ticking.

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