Chaos Attraction

The "Life On Hold" Discussion

2006-04-25, 11:04 a.m.

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Last week, I got a phone call from the intern who's working with my support group. She thought I could use a special appointment by myself.

I was kind of like "Um, I'm that bad? Oh, wait, DUH, yes." I said all right to that, even though the one time we could both do was during lunch on Ben and Jerry's Free Cone Day and I really wanted to go over and get a cone instead.

So, that went on today. It kind of went as these things usually do at one point or another during an individual appointment, i.e. "You really should get other help. Oh, wait, you have (health insurance that insists you go to THEIR shrinks, all of which are in Sac and work from 8-5 p.m.). Um...." I outright said that I've had THAT conversation plenty of times around here. I did talk her into trying to find me a works-on-scale shrink that will see me after 5 p.m., though.

But after that, I think it mostly boiled down to the ol' "You shouldn't have to put your life on hold while waiting around for your dad to die" talk. Okay, I know this. And that with my luck, my odds of having more evil shit happen to me right around the time Dad dies (say, Mom getting sick) are probably fairly high so Putting Things On Hold might not ever end. But on the other hand, I am still stumped-o-rama about how one does things differently in order to Live Life Without Postponement when some things inherently NEED postponement.

There's the minor ways to do it (i.e. what I do now): where the new shit I do revolves around shopping and classes, but not doing anything more adventurous than that. I suppose I could like, bar-hop/go clubbing by myself, since finding others to do it with me seems to occur about 2 times a year at this point in time...but on the other hand, I am a crazy magnet and I REALLY DON'T THINK that is safe for me to do without backup. Or, as got plugged in that meeting, ONLINE DATING! Yup, she seems to think (like everyone else on the planet) that I need a boyfriend, and even I have to admit that if I actually wanted to date, I don't have any other way to meet non-22-year-olds.

Course, I'd still rather scratch out my own eye than have illiterate morons e-mailing me only because I have a vagina and not because they can READ in any way, and I have yet to find anyone in an online profile on any site attractive, and I hate the idea of getting to know someone's online personality and then finding out in public that I find them sexually repulsive. I don't care if that's literally my only way to meet men at this point in time, I do. not. wanna.

(Wandering off-topic for a bit: everyone acts like getting a boyfriend is a quick fix for my life. Yeah, if you get the not-interested-in-anyone bit out of the way, it'd be a quick pick me up. I'd be too busy getting laid to notice anything else sucking- as was evidenced in the last relationship for a good long time. Course, another fast pick-me-up would be heroin, but nobody's suggesting THAT...)

Or there's the Big Leaps of Faith ways to do it: scrap everything and move to the other end of the state sort of leaps. Or alternately, grad school (though really, that ain't gonna happen, I am not suited for it and it's not something one does for casual fun). Course, moving anywhere is going to require that I buy a car and love driving it (or at least, not cry hysterically behind the wheel and crash), and tons and tons of money, but even if that wasn't an option, moving far away is definitely not something I think would be good to do given the current situation. So I'm definitely not doing that.

Which leaves...what, exactly? What's in the middle, and doesn't involve me looking for jerky men in order to find something/ANYTHING that "will make me happy and live life again"?

No idea, folks.

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