Chaos Attraction

Today's Drama

2021-04-25, 8:06 p.m.

I slept pretty crappily again last night, but I did have two dreams involving Scott and that depressed me. One of them was just him writing an email about bad working conditions, but the other was him telling me "You're my best friend" (even in the dream I knew that was a lie) and "Don't shut me out." Hahahah bullshit there.

The whole thing is like this Carolyn Hax column:

"People can torment us, and sometimes do, yes. But it is a special kind of torment that we inflict on ourselves when we keep wanting from people what we clearly aren’t going to get. It is annoying/devastating when people you have built into your sense of well-being choose to deny you the simple satisfaction of completing that emotional transaction. It’s like subscribing to a weekly rejection. And if there were a simple way to push you higher on others’ priority lists, then I’d gladly share it. But you’ve clearly been persistent in your bids for attention. Your targets remain unmoved. Now, your best remaining option is to uncheck the “auto-renew” box on these painful subscriptions. Accept the recurring answer as final and stop pushing for better ones. So is enjoying what they give you, period. Stare down disappointment with gratitude. I add the following with trepidation, because it can’t be why you adopt this attitude, and in fact that will sabotage you if it is: Acceptance — be it of mildly annoying unanswered texts or of heartbreaking distance — can feel like the breaking point of a relationship. Often, though, it’s the beginning of a better one. Why? Because it is just not human nature to rush to see people who only complain or make sad eyes at us for not responding enough or visiting enough or caring enough or giving enough. Quite the contrary; we tend to pull away harder. So if you miss your son, then lay off wanting more of him. If you value these friends, then lay off wanting more of them. Invest fully in the present. Whether this creates new connections or improves your problematic old ones, it’s a win either way."


Auditions today for the suffragist play for the part of the dad went well. We were all in agreement on who our favorite performer was--not that any were bad, but one of them was a bit more mellow/chill/loving as the character (the rest were a bit...barky? I guess?) and that is what we were going for. That fellow also was aware of "mansplaining" and being good in a feminist space, so I think we were all united there. Huzzah.

Collage club, on the other hand, went...poorly. It started out all right, with Meg saying she wants to invite her friend Val to the group in a few weeks after we finish the Transformation Game, and then start redoing vision boards. I have suspected she'd want to invite Val for a few weeks now, and that's fine by me, and was about everyone else. And god knows since I have thrown mine out the window, I need to do another one anyway.

Then we did an angel meditation, which didn't go so well for me as others did, I suppose, What I got out of it were the following bits: (a) "Sorry we couldn't do that for you." (b) Me crying...again...and being hugged. (c) "We can't speed it up for you faster." (Sounds just like my job to hear that one.) (d) Jade said something about asking the angel for what you wanted, and when I did, I got no response. Which figures. (e) I asked why I was getting all these signs for something that wasn't going to happen, and got "It could have been." That was just sad.

So I was already in a bit of a funk when I had to admit this stuff, and then it turned into this whole "Why doesn't Jennifer love herself?" thing and you know what? That's not something I am even a tiny bit interested in working on or doing, really. Like I'm fine with myself out of work hours, but I will inevitably backslide on work days because I go into the "I'm a failure to others so I hate myself" shame spiral. So then this turned into a whole work thing, and by the time it got to "let's work on Jennifer's phone voice" I finally hit my limit and said I really don't want to have to think about work on my day off, thank you very much. I know I hate my job and it doesn't fit me any more, but I don't have any better ideas, I'm sick of working on trying to find another job, and if all I do ends up going back to the same place, isn't it really just a lesson that I need to learn how to serve and help and WANT TO serve and help? Because that's just life and you can't get out of it? It's not like I have anything else I want to do (REALISTICALLY) or care about trying to do. I choose security over the whining of my heart, which can't solve its own problems anyway.

Meg said that sometimes after talking to me she's depressed for the whole next day afterwards. And I felt bad about that. I think everyone had Had Enough of me today, and frankly, me too. I was off the Zoom before 2.

Too bad the weather is kinda windy/frigid today or I could have gone out to enjoy the day/read my new books.. It's supposed to rain but I literally see no moisture on the ground. This April 25 meme is going around and the weather here is proving this Quite Wrong today. Light jacket, hah, I'd break out a parka just looking at the windiness out there. Not leaving the house today....okay, it BRIEFLY rained for a bit, very briefly, and now it's back to sunny again. As everyone will complain, not enough, not nearly enough.

The Shrek section leaders put up their versions of "Story Of My Life," which I am listening to on repeat to try to get that down.

I made...sorta...mac n' cheese tonight. Jackie gave me like 3 packs of it, but I don't have milk around the house since I don't drink it. I just put in 4 tbsp of butter and the cheese pack into the pasta instead and that seems to work just fine, thanks.

Things said during rehearsal by Steve:

"Tell me you didn't go on the glass thing on the Grand Canyon." Jadine did. Steve: "You are now no longer my friend."

"Thank you, Dannette, that was very easy for you since you have multiple personalities anyway."

Steve will provide live drumming, "or I could pass away and do it, and then there would be dead drums." Arthur: "I thought the Grateful could do it. Aubree, you'll figure this out decades from now."

"I hate people so much." Me: "Me too, Steve."

Steve to Hugo (playing the Big Bad Wolf): "You don't have to sing on key. I've never said that in my whole life."

Dannette doesn't know the goodbye song. "You were in the show!" "It was seven years ago!" "I don't know it, I directed it!"

"It's so far to walk between computers."

We spent the rest of the night rehearsal all of "Story Of My Life," which went well, but then they were all "In two weeks we are filming all of it" and I was all OMFG ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? AIN'T NO WAY I AM READY WHEN I CAN'T EVEN LIKE, SEE FEET ON THE CHOREOGRAPHY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT HARMONY IS!!!!!!!!!


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