Chaos Attraction

General Mental Confusion

2004-04-28, 11:17 p.m.

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My birthday went well. It was, to be honest, ALL about shopping. Mom's trend in the last few years of not asking me what I want, but just taking me to places and telling me to pick stuff out, kind of went haywire. I'd already gotten a lot of shoes and some clothes previously, but Saturday was crazy. I now have several pairs of shorts and capris, much needed, and some new shirts, and a skirt/top ensemble, and a load of new underwear, because I found a store that had pretty D-cup bras. This is a lot more clothes than I'm inventorying for you Mom got stuff... it was bad. I think I encourage her addiction. I actually told her to stop going into stores after the second-to-last one, but she insisted on going in anyway and spent as much as Jessica Simpson does on underwear. She gave me A Talk the next day about how this kind of thing had to stop.

Stuff like this, folks, is why I don't want to get a credit card. They are CRACK.

I do feel guilty. On the one hand, I had practically no summer clothes I could fit my new fatass waist into any more (plus the stuff left at Dave's), and there really isn't anywhere suitable in town to shop for them, and it was my birthday, and now I won't need to go shopping for clothes again for years. On the other hand... Mom doesn't really listen to "stop" too well.

Oh well, won't be repeating that again.

Sign language continues to be frustrating. I brought my new book to class pretty much for the hell of it, only to find out that apparently the teacher told everyone last class to go buy a pocket dictionary and bring THAT to class. I wasn't the only one who hadn't done that (I actually do own one, but pocket dictionaries are kind of slow to use during class, so it never occurred to me to bring that), but most had. Oops.

I got the idea to go look for a Palm program that teaches ASL, and happily, I found one. Or two. I'm not exactly sure.

Here they are: the downloadable one and the packaged one. I downloaded the trial versions of the first one and messed with it...but now looking at the Amazon product, I am now strongly suspecting that different companies and names and prices aside, the two programs may be the exact same thing. Weird. Either way, I can't buy either until my damn card comes *grumblegrumble*, but I wish I could know for sure if it was the same. I could get the downloadable one faster, but pay more; or get the Amazon one for...well, probably the same price after shipping is a factor. Guh. Well, either way, it looks like a better and faster (and animated sometimes) pocket dictionary to have than the book. Plus I could review from it while on the bus, etc.

Class was somewhat better, I suppose (it helped that I could be there for the entire time on Tuesdays), or at least the entire class wasn't "Jennifer is the only one not getting it, AGAIN." But there were enough moments like that. I am so tired of being the stupid one in language classes. You know, the one the teacher's inwardly rolling her eyes about and thinking "What a moron, she NEVER gets it." And it's very frustrating to not be able to express, "Yes, I understand that that sign means "list." What I DON'T understand is what you're asking me about it!"

I think I need to come to grips with the fact that I was just not meant to be able to learn another language, no matter how hard I try, and stop wasting my money and time on trying to learn. Because it sure seems like I can't do it.

I have the same pattern regardless of what language I'm trying to learn (Spanish, French, ASL).

* Recognizing what someone else is saying: Fairly high ability to do that.

* Writing down something in the language: Manageable, especially with dictionaries.

* Speaking in the language: nigh-impossible.

The second someone asks me something, everything I've ever learned in my life flies out of my head. I couldn't remember my NAME if they were asking me it. (And answering my name would be easy if I was being asked in French or Spanish.) I'm verklempt, I've got stage fright, I'm brain dead. And according to Heather, I start shaking. This does not make me able to learn in any way, and I don't know what to do about it short of popping tranqs before class. Even then, I don't know if that would work.

I don't really know if ASL is easier or harder to learn than the rest. On the one hand, the grammar is kind of on crack, but much simpler to learn. No tenses, and you're supposed to say sentences like "Horse fence jump" (don't ask me why the order, I do not know). You learn words that are more general than specific, and most stuff looks like the word you're trying to say anyway. But on the other hand, you can't really take notes, and it's not like you can make yourself a crib sheet of words and translations to study quickly. I feel a bit short-circuited and tend to forget signs I knew the meanings of before and it's hard to study (see aforementioned PDA links).

Maybe I'm just a linguistical idiot beyond English.

Had an interesting discussion with Heather last night about magic spells. Here's her guidelines for casting them:

(a) It was always for something she couldn't do all by herself.

(b) It was something that was, to her, life and death if she didn't get it.

(c) She put ALL of her force and will into doing the spell.

(d) She was VERY specific about what she wanted. Example: "I want a boyfriend for the next few years, someone I can love and be with, but we'll be able to break up once I go to college." Yup, she got one.

(e) She always put in a clause about "if it's the Goddess's will and doesn't harm anyone."

(f) After casting the spell, she had to forget entirely that she had cast the spell. If she ever wondered if it was working, that would ruin the spell entirely.

Which, I suppose, explains why her spells work and mine that I've tried to deliberately cast (either to catch a boy or money, I'm sorry to say) didn't really work. The inadvertent spells worked, in a kind of wild-magic-doesn't-last-forever way. Truth be told, I'm not sure if I can really pull off spells under those circumstances. Forget that I cast the spell? *cough*yeahright*cough* And the "if it's the Goddess's will"- well, why am I casting a spell if it's the Goddess's will? If the Goddess wants me to have whatever, won't I be getting it whether I ask for it or not? Why waste time asking?

I so don't fit any set religion, do I? *snerk* I'm always questioning in the bad way what the rules are. Anyway, so much for the ideas I had about doing spells for work/love life weirdness.

Someday I'd really like to have it confirmed one way or another if I'm meant to be alone. Because I'd like to know if I should be worrying about lightning strikes or not, or if I can kill off any stupid seeds of hope that remain in my heart for the same old shit and MOVE ON. This, I suppose, is why I'm into tarot so much. (And incidentally, when I do readings, I get the 8-ball equivalent of "Future cloudy. Ask again later." Fuck.)

Where this conversation was going was that I am starting to feel funny about my "Yay! Single!"-dom. I'm starting to wonder what the thing is. Am I:

(I) Someone who's finally crawling towards self-actualization through singlehood, learning not to be a goddamned relationship limpet, who's meant to be single and happy alone and who doesn't need anyone?

(II) Someone who's finally realized that (a) love doesn't last, or conquer much of anything, (b) I'm not really cut out for the kind of relationship I wanted, (c) I can't pick the right guys anyway, and thus (d) there is no hope for getting what I want, so I might as well get over it. That I'm just plain burned out on looking and trying.

I really don't know. Heather leans towards I, I suspect it's at least a mix of the two. I do feel like I have gotten, for awhile, what I most wanted in a relationship, combined with a total loss of my hopeful naivete that a long-term relationship leads to long-term happy. Without that naive hope, I'm just not motivated to get in the game repeatedly, and I'm not into one-night standing/flings. So "that leaves me a bit nowhere." I had my needs fulfilled + can't totally get what I wanted in the end = over and done with?

It's rather unsettling to really think and suspect that my gut feeling that I was meant to be single really is true. Heather keeps wondering why people feel that way, and I said something to her like, "Well, of course YOU'RE going to get a guy and get married. You want a family, and those people who really want a family and date a lot usually get it. I don't want kids and I'm not domestic, so that makes it a whole lot harder for me." It seems also like the more I read of other people's experiences, the more it sounds like having a relationship and pursuing your goals in life that aren't "have a relationship/marriage/babies" don't go so much hand in hand with owning a vagina.

I am probably better off, but this is kind of a mental mindfuck. Kind of like going off drug addiction. Something's missing that has been there almost as far back as I can remember, and it makes me worry if it's good or bad to have it gone now.

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