Chaos Attraction

More Stories of Animal Sex

2020-04-29, 9:53 p.m.

recently on Chaos Attraction
Bye, Bye Lil Gilligan - 2020-05-04
Deconstruction, Day 3 - 2020-05-03
Deconstruction, Day 2 - 2020-05-02
Deconstruction, Day 1 - 2020-05-01
My Own Pick A Card Experiment - 2020-04-30


Cast list as of November 2019

Work: Three Zoom meetings today, though none with Tigress for training, though sadly she booked a ton for next week, RIGHT when I said I need to be working on my own job. Like I booked out two days on the calendar next week to be left alone because those are high demand days for my job, and she booked me 2 hours of Zoom meetings a day during that time. She said I could decline if I’m too busy, but YEAH RIGHT NO I CAN’T. If you ask, I cannot say no in this job, plus she’s leaving, etc. She may think she’s “training” on my job (I didn’t ask), but I don’t see the point if she will literally be gone the next time I do this process. And I already said that earlier. I’m not asking ANYONE to help me do my job. The only thing I am asking is that I don’t have to do her job and my job at the same time on those two days. Can’t get that.

Anyway, in the public service meeting, they said that they were hoping for a “soft opening” on the phones, but OF COURSE THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN and they are getting lots of nasty harassing calls and nobody can keep up with the portal questions any more because they are being harassed and stalked on the phones. One guy specifically said he would just keep calling and calling and calling until he got what he wanted immediately.

Quote from Grandboss: "you get so depressed you start shutting down.” YUP.

Why in God’s name did they think this wouldn’t happen? I am so vomitously sick of “Optimism!” which seems to translate into “ignoring all reality.” If the phones are usually bad even when you have a ton of employees who can answer them and there’s not a pandemic, YOU HONESTLY THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE DIFFERENT?!?! What about this situation might be less bad?! People stalk the shit out of anyone who answers a phone! Especially if they can get someone live! And while we’re at it, YOU HONESTLY THINK WE’RE OPENING AGAIN IN JUNE WHEN THEY CANCELED GRADUATION?! YOU HONESTLY THINK WE SHOULDN’T HAVE CONTINGENCY PLANS ABOUT THE MAIL? etc.

Had a meeting about the Giant Tedious List I Have To Proofread Because People Typo The Shit Out Of It And It Takes Me A Damn Week To Do. I've been having to put up with that list since 2012 and it amuses me that somehow now everyone is shocked to hear how bad it is. Grandboss is all, "I can write a report to check that!" Please do so. Though frankly, the programming talk whooshes over my head like Douglas Adams's deadlines so I don't understand most of it, and then Tigress gave me crap when I said I didn't get what she was talking about and was all, "Actually, it's very easy." Oh, shut it, you don't program either.

We had some meeting with "consultants" today. I was Not In The Mood and literally said nothing in the meeting, which nobody noticed. I was quite glad to not have anyone notice that I didn't introduce myself because I always hate doing that. It's not like the random stranger we meet once is going to remember who the hell I am or what I do anyway, and it literally wastes 20+ minutes of the 50 minute meeting (timed it) to introduce everyone. Anyway, they were asking stuff like "What hampers you from doing your jobs?" (tech support can't handle adding our stuff to their plates) and "Do you have enough staff to do your jobs?" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH). I would have had answers, but since I get in trouble for speaking here, I said nothing. The right messenger has to say those things. I was slightly unthrilled when Adriana pointed out that she was shocked that one person does the job I do, but nobody else seemed to notice, thank god. Really, I just didn't have extra for this shit. I wish them well, but how they're going to get around a lack of support from tech and HR, I do not know.

After work, I had Tempest rehearsal with Robert and his recruited friend Kaitlin (Brian somehow had "something come up" at the last minute, to which we were all "what on earth CAN come up?!"), who was fun to hang out with. She is doing various bit parts, most notably Ceres, one of the spirits Prospero conjures up to entertain his kid and her fiance.

Snarky lines from rehearsal:
Robert has a bookcase, pile of books, and light-up crystal ball on an octopus holder. "You can never pass up an octopus stand. You may need it for your crystal ball."
"Oh, fuck, they DO sing." -Kaitlin on getting to a part where she sings. "Let's sing it to My Sharona."
We started snarking when Prospero gets so involved with putting on a show that he forgets that Caliban is trying to kill him. "I put it on my list, Caliban kill me today, and forgot about it." -Robert
"I always want to say his mother was a witch and his father smelt of elderberries...." Robert
Me: "wait a minute, Prospero's giving his kid his bedroom and is letting them BONE IN HIS BED?!?" What a cool dad!"

The last night of storytelling class was fun.

(a) The person who told the triathlon story did it again and did a better job getting things in order, setting up the story, etc. Also had a line about her outfit being like a condom, which amused people.

(b) A guy told a all honesty, kind of a boring corporate story that boiled down to "a big shot remembered him because he fixed the printer" (or something like that). Yeah, that's about how offices go?

(c) A lady told a story about being fat as a kid, treated like absolute shit by her family and they called her awful names I will not repeat, and then being forced into a swimming race, that she won. This made me be all, "I hate your family." I kind of feel like if she ever retells it again, she will improve it, like the triathlon story and another one retold below. I feel like once they've barfed out all the details the first time, they seem to prune down and focus and change what they want to tell. Like, I could have used a lot less "horrible shit the family did to her" and more about getting to the point.

(d) I told the humping cat story, which was definitely more "comedic" than the last one! Quotes from classmates:

"I have cats and this was disturbing either for me. Very educational!"
One lady informed me that cats don't get pregnant unless they have sex TWICE, which suddenly explains a LOT. She wanted more cat penis details in this story. "I wanted to hear more about cat penis spikes."
"If you gotta go there, gotta go all in."
The teacher pointed out that some comedienne was saying that all animal sex isn't consensual. This of course led me to be all DUCK SEX and DINOSAUR SEX, which led to....
"If you've been attacked by sea otters, which I have, it's pretty nasty." This came from that girl with all the horrible kid stories, who told us she has an EVE degree from UCSC and "I've been attacked by tons of animals." Of course we encouraged her to tell stories after she said, "Can I tell you my favorite animal sex?" So apparently the Latin name for banana slug basically translates into "dick eater" because they're hermaphrodites, and when two slugs meet, neither wants to be "the woman" (WHO THE FUCK EVER WOULD) and carry the babies. So they have a giant dick sword fight--and their dicks are about finger length--and whichever one gets his dick EATEN OFF is "the woman" for life. They don't grow back. WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Someone suggested a "SLUG LIFE" tattoo after that.

(e) After that, the chick that told the story about how her grandfather thought she brought her lesbian date to a family gathering again, but she did a lot better job: more focus on her grandfather, more explanation as to how the "date" behaved, cracks about "I'd like to know when I'll bring home a guy too" and "Megan likes cock!" It was a delight. I think sometimes just retelling and shuffling a bit really helps some people.

(e) And finally, that girl with the "I was a horrible kid" stories told us about shoplifting sexy underwear, including a "scratch n' sniff" thong and not exactly getting that a certain pair wasn't a Fruit Roll-Up.

The “apropos of nothing” section:

There was another bear sighting in town! A small brown bear! I don’t think it was ever tracked down, but the bored people on the Internet were thrilled anyway.

I discovered that mixing Chaucer’s Mead alcohol and Canada Dry Cranberry Ginger Ale go together perfectly. I still have another bottle of the mead, but I drank about half of the cranberry and that’s a seasonal thing, so....sigh.

Porridgegate is back on! Because life is so tedious that this amuses me. Hell, I watched a video of Gatsby the other day in which Ryen was so bored he ate out of Gatsby’s bowl to see if Gatsby cared (he didn’t).

According to my email, Scott is still alive, or at least one assumes from his mother’s email list saying that the store location isn’t moving yet until the remodeling is done but they are still packing.

I keep watching stupid-ass tarot readings like a dumbass and the one I watched today had a lot of “YES” and “Very Soon” and “In The Near Future” oracle cards. That would be lovely, but I would bet literally all the money I own that by in a month this complete stalemate situation will still be happening. Like fucking aliens, I may want to believe (in the “dear aliens, please take us away from here” sort of way), but if I use my rational, reasonable brain, unless some Tower event (to quote from another reading the other day) happens, I don’t think any of this shit is going to change if he doesn’t wanna. He can’t initiate for shit and I would care less about that if he like, said things after I did, but these days, no.

I may break down like a moron and try to communicate with him again, but I am going to try not to because I just get mad, both at him for not responding and at myself for being an idiot and not taking the hint and not fucking learning. My goal is to not contact him at all in May, followed by not contacting him at all in June, and presumably just keep on going until the pandemic is over. This isn’t what I want, but as far as I can discern it’s what he wants, right? If someone actually wants to talk to you, they probably aren't trapped under something heavy.

previous entry - next entry
archives - current entry
hosted by