Chaos Attraction

10 Ways To Survive Life In Quarantine

2021-04-29, 8:26 p.m.

There continue to be problems with the mail. International clientele keeps complaining to me about them. I have no idea if anything is getting mailed, and finally I had to send a complaint email and cc my boss on one of them. (Joy.) My boss wants me to voluntarily return to the office if I am going to keep bitching about the mail. HELL NO I WILL NOT VOLUNTARILY GO.

I'm not going back until forced to. I know I'm vaccinated, I just...don't wanna, honestly. I don't want to go through the testing process to go back to Giant Org--not that that sounds heinous since they are doing spit tests rather than up the nose, but do I need it now? No. At this point I kinda want to be like "hey, let's see if I can get through the entire pandemic without being tested once." Also, it's no air and tiny offices and I do not want to be dragged into physically going back and then them being all "Well, since you're already here voluntarily, why don't you come back to the office every day?" Again, I don't wanna. Not giving that opening.

On a related note, the gym is opening again to staff members of GiantOrg. However, (a) they can't start charging everyone automatically again until June, so if you wanted to go in in May you'd have to go pay in person, and (b) you have to get tested, do the symptom survey, blah blah blah, before you go in. Fuck all of that, nope. Coincidentally I saw Reggie today and he was all "next step, the gym," and I was all "not until they tell me I don't have to go get tested every time I go, at the very least." Why the hell waste the test on me if I'm vaccinated and have no symptoms? I presume at some point they'll give an exemption for those of us with vaccination on file at some point anyway. I don't know about going to the gym any more...outside is lovely, even if I haven't been out much today. I may revisit it later if I don't have to get a test every time to go, but right now, who needs it?

I had Meg give me a tarot reading for my birthday today, I....didn't really enjoy it, I guess. It didn't really cover what I asked, she kept wanting to read text out of books, she said she was going to turn it into a story but she spent so much time reading out of the books (her favorites aren't mine, I suppose, I wasn't really resonating with any of it) she never got to that and then she had to get off the computer.... It was more self-actualization, be confident, inner child....stuff.... which I am not feeling, let's say. Oh well.

Kelly has entered the suffragist play in a local playwright festival. I hope for her, but I got kinda concerned when she said that they said they may not put on or read any play over seven characters, which hers has at this point....sigh. Rule breaking makes me nervous on that level if that gives them an excuse to throw it out. Sigh. Oh well.... we'll see. I hope for her.

And it's Birthday Season with Jackie wanting to give my mom stuff again... except Roger doesn't want her to, and Mom is well aware of the drama bomb that will go off if she doesn't, so....oh lord....She also got in the newspaper for complaining about a high-rise development that's going to go in anyway even though 300 people complained about it. Well, she tried, anyway.

Tonight I watched "10 Ways To Survive Life In Quarantine," a sketch comedy show put on by SCC. The hosts say it's more useful than Hamlet. "Will this play show you how to find toilet paper?" "No! But it'll help you do everything else!"

Fall in Love with Inanimate Objects. (Really, I should have done that one.) He's got a Wilson-esque basketball. "We go for long walks in the closet and back to bed...." Then we cut to a lady and her "Sir Lamp. He's a prince." He can't read or speak, which makes him the perfect boyfriend! And an excellent listener! "So much...listening...."

Perform in Your Own Musical with Your Pets: Someone's doing Cats at home, with amazingly terrible hair. "I asked my mom if we could get sixteen more cats for the show, and she got in her car and drove away and hasn't come back since. It's been three days now." Next we cut to "The Python of the Opera is here, inside my room...." "All pets in all plays, from now on." "You may get your wish," the hosts say to this. Next, the 2 minute dog version of Beauty and the Beast.

Fun with Scissors or, So Much Crafts: Jolene tries origami and fails. It's not as soothing as she thought. "Does this look like a crane? I LOVE DOING THIS," she screams as she rips it up. You know, I'm not great at origami either. Pascal is hiding from his family in the garage/workshop. "Why do birds need houses, Pascal? Aren't you encouraging them to be lazy?" "You don't build squirrel houses." (SUDDENLY I WANT TO BUILD A SQUIRREL HOUSE. Though I will note that I made a plastic canvas one already that says "Welcome to the Nut House.") Back to the show, Pascal gets obsessed with birds pooping on your head and how birds don't have to care about a stupid virus. "Birds are in charge!" "Venting is a great hobby." "I love it," the hosts say.

I am Good at Sports Now, No One Can Stop Me. Without competition, you can do what you want! I can see solo basketball working, but I'm a little stumped on the boxer....

The Plays of William Shakesbear: It is, of course, "Julius Caesbear" with stabbings. "Thinking ahead is not a trait of Shakespeare's characters. Or stuffed animals, "say the hosts, before switching to "MacBear" and sword fighting a duck. Terrible tragedies are great with stuffed animals! Then we go on to..."Hoolet," I guess, with finger puppets.

Catch Up On Your Studies. One girl is booby trapping her sisters. "It's good to see that some of our students are putting their minds to brilliant criminality." The next girl is loving online learning: "There's only so much Internet, and it doesn't reach MY house! Mostly I am just trying to IMAGINE what my teachers are doing right now!" "My imaginary teachers are super cool about it." Hosts: "The children are our future." "Terrifying." Then we cut to a manic lady going on about The Scarlet Letter. "This book taught me that every dream you might ever have will be trashed by the patriarchy. Thanks, Scarlet Letter, I was just about to dream things! Moral of the story: don't be a lady!" She crosses her eyes and she holds up signs that her English teacher won't like.

Get Really Involved in the Lives of Squirrels Outside Your Window. THIS IS MINE, BAYBEE. It's a wine mom who named the squirrels "Kim and Kanye." Then Kim starts cheating on Kanye with "Stanley" by giving Stanley acorns. "You furry cow." Then Kanye starts cheating with "Bridget and Jennifer." "Am I watching the Michael Jordan of spiders?!" says another guy. Then there's a guy recapping stray cat fights. "Buttons tested positive for catnip"
Sleep, Live in Pajamas, Eat Chocolate, Binge Watch Shows, or "Your weekend is now your life." Cut to an influencer on her quarantine fashion tips and Snickers bag. The next guy thinks it's a nightmare to have to get out of bed to replace the batteries in your remote. He has four remotes. "If you have zippers on your clothes, you are doing it wrong." (Especially your pants.) "You can achieve supreme laziness with a little bit of effort," so you never have to make effort again!" "We can get through this if we don't do much," says a host.

Tell Spooky Stories: The story is about a squeaky cart and finding one pack of TP--the one nobody wanted. Why did nobody want it? Is it cursed? Followed by "I don't even know how to use a landline! I might have to read a book!"

Megalomania: Meet Supreme Commander Jeff. Beware the lesson of Mr. Puppers. And then there's Ashley (crossing her eyes again): "You're probably wondering why my stuffed animals worship me as a living god." "Some of the other stuffed animals refused the new religion," she says, holding up one that seems to have lost its stuffing. Then the next guy's having a quarantine birthday....I hear ya.... Aren't his friends going to send birthday money in the mail? "I guess it's a good thing he stole the credit card information from kids at the school..."

This was a lot better than the last quarantine show I saw of theirs. Very well done, folks! Would recommend.


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