The Cold or Lukewarm Shoulder
2013-04-30, 3:34 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
This is the entry I mentioned as being super whiny here. Be forewarned.
I am having ex-friend issues. Again. If you've read this entry, this is pretty much the same people of whom I speak.
Here's what also happened on Saturday:
After the Games, we went to Joann's because (a) Mom wanted me to make some more scarves for her, and (b) I had bought a book on "Improv Sewing" and I wanted to get some knit fabric to try to make up an outfit from. I can do that with T-shirts, but I so far haven't really figured out how to do it with actual fabric, so I want to give it a go. Buuuuuut...I ran into my former driving instructor, and her husband, and my ex-friends, all in there shopping. I said hi, and asked Elsa if she was in town for the Scottish Games or something like that--nope, just visiting everyone else. Nobody else talked to me. I don't think they even looked at me, really. I went to go look at fabrics and they all got the hell out of my vicinity within seconds and then well, ignored me thereafter for the rest of the time I was in the store.
You know what? I just don't understand. It's one thing for my California relatives, who are obligated to love me because I am blood and family, to not really give a shit because I am not their kind of person they would ever associate with were they not forced to because of blood and family. I can understand that. It may not be right, but I can understand that because I am not the cup of tea of many, many people. I don't like me so much myself, I can't blame 'em.
(Oh, that reminds me: no baby visiting happened this weekend either. I don't know why we apparently have to ask my aunt's permission for such things, but what the fuck ever.)
But once upon a time, I was the kind of person that these folks would choose to hang out with. I was supposedly declared "family" to these people. And now they are all still family, but they no longer want me. What the hell did I DO? I can't think of anything I did or could have done to make them reasonably decide they didn't want me around any more (other than being a whining twat in general, I suppose, but some people have seemed a lot less bothered by that than others and it didn't seem like a Thing here) But you never know these days, you can and do get dumped for any little thing. And god knows, I have been.
Part of me wants to know what the hell I did wrong. I can understand them not wanting to hurt my feelings, but my feelings are already hurt. On the other hand, I already have fifty billion reasons in my head as to why people hate me, do I need more to berate myself with? Probably not. I know this rationally. But...I am still mad and sad and haven't found a replacement group to join up with and DAMMIT. I am tired of having these feelings, I know I should "move on," blah blah blah. But I am still off and on mad and sad anyway, and it's been years and I should be over it by now.
Reasonably speaking, it's probably more of a case of "we just moved on" than anything else. It's not like we hate you, we just...don't want to be friends any more. We have our own lives. We're done with you. Or maybe they decided that the only way to have their little group work is to keep it with their own friends in the in-group and not welcome any of us outsiders in any more, because we're all just going to flake and bail. (Though if that's the case, I don't think it's okay that I am looped in with the people who flaked and bailed when I flat out did not want to end the group.) Maybe that's a reasonable choice to make for them. Or maybe one of them just hates my guts and the rest of them go along with it.
These are the theories that I have had to come up with for myself. I have to make up my own reasons and "closure" because that's not something you can ask someone--and even if you did, they sure as fuck wouldn't tell you whatever it was you did wrong. Who would? They could have decided I'm an asshole, and I sure can come up with a billion reasons why someone would dislike me. I have certainly been friend-dumped plenty of times. But usually after the friend-dumping, I don't see them around much any more (and those people pretend not to see me in public, so I know to do the same), nor is there the intermittent reinforcement of sometimes they're friendly and sometimes they're not going on. FUCK IF I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON ANY MORE. It is just so weird that I used to be close to these folks--very close to some of them--and hell, I owe Elsa more than I can ever repay. But...they're not interested in having me around any more. They're Done With Me.
I told Mom this because well, she was around at the time. And she was all, why don't you just get over it already? (I could say the same to her about so many things. Like for example, stop talking to your dimwit ex when he calls...) Why haven't I? Well, they say that nature abhors a vacuum, and when some folks leave, new folks will come in. I have yet to find replacements for the likes of these folks. I'm still looking--and a lot of why I still see these folks and go to their classes is because they offer opportunities for meeting other people of our hippie ilk--but nobody's stuck quite yet. Meanwhile, I get to see them and wonder why, whenever I accidentally run into anybody in town or attend class. Okay, so my going to class is my own fault and I could skip that, but class is a lot less awkward than the in-person meetings where I say hi and get the feeling about 3/4 of the time that they wish I'd pretended not to see them. And then the 1/4 is like normal...I don't know why I either get the cold shoulder, or the lukewarm. I kinda wish it'd be consistent so I'd be less confused.
I am also super cranky about this because I woke up at 3:48 a.m. after having a dream about these people--one of them went missing and it was all distress and panic and sad, until I thought, "Hell, they don't give a shit about me anyway, why am I here being concerned about this?" And I woke up sad and angry and exhausted, but totally unable to go back to sleep for the rest of the night. Awesome. I just love starting out the work week on whopping sleep deficit! Between that and the headache I got from waking up that took hours and tons of caffeine and pills to make go away, and having my lunch date have to cancel on me AND having to babysit the phone at work instead of having that lunch, and the wind is crazy once again so I spent the day hiding indoors on an 80+ degree day that I normally love.....I'm kinda unhinged today.