Chaos Attraction

My Own Pick A Card Experiment

2020-04-30, 7:44 p.m.

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Cast list as of November 2019

I was awake at 5 a.m. doing my own pick a card tarot by pulling like six oracle decks, reading whatever cards "fell out," more or less, etc.

Mostly what was interesting about trying this for myself for a change was that I started grouping cards by similarities of message.

* Support cards, i.e. ones indicating getting support from others (again, Robert comes to mind).
* Visualization cards, ones about keeping your eyes on your intention, positive thoughts, etc.
* Take care of yourself cards, stuff like “boundaries” and “love who you are” and “Free Yourself.”
* What I dubbed the “what’s wrong with him” section, which was stuff like relocation, one sided love (OF COURSE), codependency (presumably that one is me), divine intervention taking you away from a situation (@#Q%^#$^), a card called “The Crumbling.” The overall message from that to me was ‘leave him alone, at least while the store is moving.”
* The psychic cards, with stuff like “trust your intuition,” “listen with your heart,” mirrors, “divine counterpart” a ring. (Note that “divine counterpart” is one of those twin-flamey cards from the Love Compass Oracle deck I got off Etsy after watching too many of these readings.)
* A few love cards: “Trust” (the situation is calling for you to have faith), “Engagement” (?!?!), “Keep An Open Mind” (this one is about how your soul mate may differ from your usual type/expectations, i.e. age here), “New Love,” “Stay Optimistic About Your Love Life.”
* The timing cards, i.e. “Slow Down,” “The Heart of the Matter” (which says that more is going on than meets the eye), “Take Your Time Making This Decision,” “Retreat,” etc. Once again: this isn’t happening any time soon or far. I can’t even express how irritating that is after sixteen years of nothing and now knowing that even beyond whatever issues he has, it’ll probably be like, what, twenty years at the rate this is going? If we’re lucky? Which we clearly aren’t? ... I did get one “Very Soon” card, but yeah right compared to the rest of it?

(Look, I’ll wait around because (a) I’m an idiot, (b) as the cards say and I agree with it, he’s worth waiting for, (c) the ... whatever the fuck stuff is going on here beyond the usual/very unusual, and (d) the odds of my finding someone else that I’d be into and who wants to be with me are incredibly low. I’ve debated it, I vaguely attempted it, I can’t stand it. But I’m not gonna deny that I get grumpy about the waiting, especially in a fucking pandemic that takes me away from hanging around him in the way that he requires, i.e. group activities, to slowly get there. I don’t see how this is going to do anything other than peter out under the current restraints.)

* The action cards, i.e. advice. Well, here’s what I’m here for. Suggestions from the cards:

* I got a letter charm from the Magpie Oracle.... like Meg’s suggestion that I send him a card.
* “Do Something For Someone,” presumably ditto.
* “Quality Time,” i.e. “Take the initiative and try surprising them with a romantic gesture.” I’d do it if I didn’t think it would freak him out and make him run screaming. Which is about why I won’t do it. Can’t freak the dude out before he’s ready...if that ever happens.
* “Make a Conscious Choice.” Choose what you want, manifest your heart’s desire.
* “Embrace Love.” “Accept the connection for what it is.” True enough.
* “Play” (that word again)
* “Revealing”--this card basically said stop withholding! ....Yeah, good point.
* “Wants and Needs.” Ask him for what you need--you assume it’s a no, but it might be a yes? Uh.... good point and yet freaks me out more.
* “Reconciliation:” New beginning, may get an apology, possible second chance.

I think the conclusion I come to here is to not do anything for now, maybe reconsider doing something after the business move is over.

You know what would be nice here? Some kind of sign indicating if it would be received well if I did anything. God knows I do not want to push or freak him out again. But trying to figure out how not to is an irritatingly fine fucking line I cannot figure out in general, and especially now with the change in circumstances.

Work: It's a rare day! No meetings! (Per the overwhelmed phone staff, we are going down to twice a week.) And Tigress left at 11:30! So I finished dealing with mailing addresses, at least. I contacted all of my most difficult clientele convincing them not to do international mail, and got some takers. It was literally the quietest day I've had at work from home since the first day I worked from home. That was great.

On the other hand, I am having a horrendous bank problem. I have it set up to transfer money from Primary Bank A (which has a lot of branches and thus gets my paycheck deposit) to one of my various credit unions with a credit card, Union B. However, I got an email from Union B saying that my transfer failed. Now, every time I have an issue with this transfer Union B says they can't do anything about it and to go contact Bank A. Bank A has pretty good technology but Union B's online banking is frequently agony to deal with. To the point where I used to physically get cash out of Bank A's ATM and then drive over to Union B to hand them cash for my credit card, because anything else including using the ATM was painful. And every time I've asked Union B about this account--for example, a few months ago I wanted to change the default money I put on it--they are all, "I have no idea about fixing anything with this, talk to Bank A." I drove over to Bank A, was told they were too busy to help anyone on a Saturday morning, and gave up. And now I'm in this mess.

Bank A has you schedule an online phone call appointment, which I did three days in advance. The banker was very nice, but told me she had no access to the account, said there was nothing wrong with it on her end, and I was going to have to try Union B. Waaaaaaaaaaah. Union B has (a) a phone number to call (god, no) or (b) online chat, which I attempted, and was told that my account does not exist. It can't be fixed, it can't be deleted, nothing can be done because it literally doesn't exist. Then how the hell was money getting into the account for years, then? How did I get an email saying the account didn't work? No answer there. All I got was "here, get this form signed to set up another transfer." I got that form done, at least. Mom called me after work (she used to work in banking) and then proceeded to yell at me about the whole thing, and I told her fairly forcefully that I was out of fucking problem solving energy and juice for the day and was NOT going to call the union right now, NOT go outside to write a check, etc.

Ughhhhh. I just don't have the brainpower to deal with another fucking problem. I can't get the next transfer to go until the end of next month, and it's racked up more money on it than I figured (somehow my "nonexistent" account was still paying until February, the computer banker said).

On a related note, you know the package I thought was my book, "The Last Emperox?" After a few days of detoxing by the door, I opened it and wasn't that book, it was another Mom sent me for my birthday. And I've already reported back to the post office that I got the book I lost. Dammit. I gave up and ordered another copy....this time off Barnes and Noble rather than my indie bookstore. I feel bad about that, but (a) already lost the first copy from the indie (not really, it was from some warehouse in Oregon) and am embarrassed to order a second, (b) Barnes and Noble probably needs the money too, and (c) B&N sent my previously ordered book in easy media mail packaging that was left in the mailbox, not in nice stiff germy cardboard that has to be left outside my door. I hate to slight the indie bookstore (albeit they've gotten four books worth of orders between me and Mom buying me stuff in the last month), but if the packaging the warehouse ships in is going to cause issues with having to have it left at my door...practicality is gonna win these days.

Tonight I made some kind of weird soup--it claim to be white cheddar potato or something but doesn't taste or look like it--that I found in the liquor cabinet and expired in 2017. I wasn't starving hungry so what the hell. It is decidedly "meh" soup and normally I would not have eaten it--I suspect it is a Mom purchase if I hid it in the liquor cabinet-- but these days, it's one less reason to need to hit a grocery store so I might as well eat it.

I also signed up for The Deconstruction, so we'll see how that goes for the weekend. I signed up past the deadline, but they sent me info anyway, so I guess I'm in? I think it's just gonna be a lot of vlogging via Zoom, doing the one woman show I always said I wanted to do.

Oh, and remember the bear sighting from yesterday? Apparently the bear is hanging out in a pond and they can't get to it to move it there. This sounds adorable.

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