2003-05-05, 9:06 p.m.
I can't stop wigging about the asthma thing. Not hearing back from the doctor yet isn't helping either. I know she'll let me know ASAP, but still. Of course, I've been compulsively looking up stuff about it and getting more and more wigged out. Whoever said having more information made you calm down and feel empowered obviously hadn't met me. Cheerful to find out that asthma affects more than half of people's sex lives (1 in 5 to the point where they can't have any sex at all without ending up coughing up crap off the bed), makes you more likely to get lung cancer and heart disease even if you don't smoke, then there's the joys of breathing STEROIDS several times a day (did I mention that scares me?) and what that does to your bones, not to mention how hella hereditary it is. Especially comforting to read this and realize that I must have at the very least moderate-persistent, if not severe-persistent (I don't have it every single day, but at least half the nights a week). Dave is all pissed off at my family for scaring me with bad stories, but, well, their entire point is to scare me into complying here.
I know it could be worse. I could be coming down with diabetes or MS or Dad's disease or any other of the awful diseases that run in the family. Hell, I probably will get at least one of those someday. I didn't get this as a small child the way my cousins all did. I know that this isn't all that likely to kill me- hell, I may cough a fuckload but I can still do about everything I need to get done but sleep and eat during a coughing fit, and I haven't needed to go to the ER for that.
And yet, I wig and feel depressed to probably have a chronic incurable disease anyway.
It didn't help either that I kept using the breath-o-meter today and well, the scores were drastically lower. It got better during the day (my research indicates that your breathing is worst in the morning and best in the afternoon), but it still wasn't as high as on Friday. Not at normal levels. Waaaah.
Much to my surprise, I heard today that the reporter that interviewed me for the weblog article just quit. Sounds like they are going through people like Kleenex over there, with all the "so-and-so was hired to replace X" stuff. For a minute there I actually wondered, "hey, if they have a vacancy...and at least I'd stay longer..." (all that damn career tarot readings of late), but, no. Honestly, I really don't think they'd want to hire me back. Way too uncomfortable for everybody and I already "washed out" there. Plus it's a pay cut and a big fat insurance cut. Even if I'm bored, it's not going to happen.
Tarot class was great yesterday- learned all kinds of insightful stuff about the court cards beyond the whole vague "they're supposed to represent people" thing. Pages are supposed to be questioners, knights are protectors, queens are agents of change and kings are for the status quo. Interesting.
Tried doing a reading tonight and am confused- ended up with two Kings and a Queen. And nearly every card (question was "what's going on with my life) was totally happy-dappy-doo, except for the Moon card coming up for hopes and fears, big surprise. I am baffled. Where on earth is all this happy?
I also tried doing a yes/no reading with my deck as to whether or not I have asthma, and got "the answer is in the future." Sigh.
On a trying-to-be-cheerier note, I've been looking at templates of late. Mainly because I'm not so thrilled with the boring MT ones for the weblog, but on the other hand, I suspect that my puny little brain won't be able to figure out how to change the template beyond the colors without bungling it all. Anyway, while looking for that today, I found some nice diaryland-made templates. Just for fun, I'll post the ones I'm considering. (I'd ask for a poll, but I know better on the responses thing. I'm a lazyass myself.) I'm not sure whether or not to go with pretty-looking girly or pure snarkfest in decor. I'd love to find something with both, but so far, no such luck.
Colored circles. Pros: I'm generally quite happy with a lot of colors being used. Love the circles. Cons: Otherwise, pretty dang black. Black isn't my favorite. I'm generally in a bad mood these days, yes, but not that bad. Plus, the top font isn't easy to read.
Pink butterflies, purple butterflies, and blue butterflies. I'm leaning towards the purple since er, purple's my theme here already. Pros: Beautiful, great color. Cons: perhaps too pretty for what's written here? I'm not exactly Madame Flowery Poetic.
Badass penguin. Pros: Funny and cute. Cons: Am not a badass. Perhaps inappropriate. And gray is very very boring.
One by one, the penguins steal my sanity. Pros: Very appropriate for this site. Cons: Again, pretty dang plain other than the cute slogan.
Stitch- be afraid, be very afraid. Pros: Appropriate for the site, love Stitch. Cons: Still not that prettified. Red could be hard to read on.
Dork: feel the lameness. Pros: Perhaps the most appropriate site slogan EVER for me. Cons: Really not prettified. I like orange, but it's not really me.
Happy Bunny I hate everything. Pros: I love bunnies. I love Happy Bunny. Cons: I'm not quite THAT hatey, really. Plus, every time I look at this I keep wishing there was a "cute but psycho" version.
Bite me frog. Pros: nice sentiment Cons: again, plainer than I go for.
Yellow with purple stars. Pros: love the purple squiggle. Cons: column rather narrow, am not all that into clashing yellow despite years of design school. There's also purple swirly and blue swirly, which avoid the yellow clash but still have the narrow column aspect.
Black with pink stars. Pros: pretty. Cons: frames annoy me, hot pink tends to annoy people that are not me like waving a cape in front of a bull, I've noticed.
Hello Kitty- we all get a little crazy. Pros: incredibly accurate for this site. Cons: white is boring. Aren't all of these P&C's sounding alike?
Yeah, I'm a little moody sometimes. Pros: accurate statement, not monochrome. Cons: again, plainish.
Starry-eyed and another starry-eyed. Pros: LOVE the graphic, especially love color scheme for #1. Cons: "starry-eyed" is a bit too idealistic and pretty for el bitter one's journal here, plus narrow column.
Sandcastle. Pros: I LOVE castles. Cons: not exactly a "fun in the sun" journal, frames.
Perpetual Sunset. Pros: Sunset pretty. Cons: not much of a sunset personality.
Messy squiggle. Pros: love multicolors, purple-y. Cons: moving middle weirds me out.