In Which I Piss Off My Shrink
2020-05-05, 8:17 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
Quote of the day on a work website: "No matter how lonely you get or how many birth announcements you receive, the trick is not to get frightened. There's nothing wrong with being alone." -Wendy Wasserstein. I miss Wendy Wassterstein.
On the general work Slack channel, someone said his boss thinks people in units like mine will be allowed back soon. He asked if anyone had heard about this. It got four thumbs down emojis.
Three hours of Zoom training today with Tigress and Coworker Sarah, but at least we were just having it sit on idle most of the time while we worked on the new stuff. I implemented a new template for all the crap we had to send out, so that was good.
I had an Awkward Moment with the boss today in which she asked where my webcam was because it has to have been delivered by now. I said it probably had but I don't go to the mailbox except for once every two weeks and I wasn't going again until Sunday. And I said that I am not going to turn on my camera and I do not want to disclose why. (Per my shrink, "Yeah, do NOT disclose why at your office.")
This was over Slack and she didn't say anything at first and I was relieved, and then I realized crap, we had a private Zoom meeting in ten minutes. During which she very politely said just let them know that I got it and to return it later. Then we discussed regular work stuff, which was fine, but I mentioned that I needed to email the international clientele on my own and just DID it already last week without waiting around for upper management to approve a comm. Then I got a scold email later for not waiting for them to send a comm and wasting two hours of my time emailing people, and wanting a copy of the email I sent out. I will probably get in trouble for that last one, since I originally wrote that template two days after we left the office and it's the one I've been sending to everyone while we're in limbo since every time someone wants something mailed to a black hole of mail. I said okay, fine (also because she did approve a comm for next term), but apologized that the comm was old. But NOT for the damn emailing, because I am not sorry about it.
Frankly, after the last conversation we'd had about how Grandboss is hoping we'd be back in the office and not have to notify international clientele of anything (i.e we're not going to send one), I lost it. Seriously, I'd been asking every few days for most of the last two months and I could not wait around any longer. It takes me weeks to deal with the international clientele not getting back to me (in time) because they don't read their email, it takes them WEEKS to approve a comm, I need to start the mail list in a few weeks as is, and stalling around wasn't worth it. You don't have some kind of hazardous spill in your living space and then wait weeks for a hazmat team to clean it up. If nobody's going to do it, you're going to have to. Come on.
As for therapy today, hoooooo boy did I piss off my shrink for being whiny and angsty again and whatnot, to the point where she said that she'd wanted to kill me. I wasn't offended, mind you, because I'm as annoyed with myself as everyone else is, but between yelling at her last week and me wanking on this week, I think I am being SUPER annoying. (And as she pointed out, losing ability to interact with others while in isolation.) That said, we worked out our shit by the end and she said she felt closer to me now, so that's good. Anyway, in between having difficulties, including the inability to distinguish whether or not I am crying or laughing over the phone. I said crying (which, once again, I was doing) because there's obviously more snot sounds.
Mostly we were talking about whether or not to tell Robert about all the stuff I've had going on with you-know-who, and she asked what I wanted out of having a conversation about it, and honestly, I really don't know what the hell I want out of that kind of conversation. I'm terrible at advice because I automatically shut everyone down and say no, which makes everyone nuts and is why I try not to ask for any if I know I am going to freak and say no. And I outright said that the NO starts screaming in my brain so hard that I don't know how to say yes. I don't know how to do things differently. I may not LIKE saying no by reflex, but it makes me feel better? Less anxiety going on to say no, I'm not going to do that, I'm not going to try to talk to him again and then just get pissed off at myself, even though that's not what I want at all. I also have no effing idea how to even bring up the topic with Robert since we generally just talk about theater stuff these days. (But hey, that's still the most theater talk from any theater person that I'm getting.) She suggested bringing it up in a more impersonal sort of style, like "what would a guy think about someone who's intermittently attentive."
Other than that, I signed up for more weekend activities: some art gallery comedy hour on Friday, another improv show Saturday night, and an online scavenger hunt Saturday during the day (tried to talk Robert into it, but no). I wanted friends to do that with me, but I give up on that score. Random strangers it is.