Chaos Attraction

One Year Anniversary

2014-05-13, 10:44 a.m.

Note: this entry started being written on May 13 but has taken awhile to write--you'll perhaps notice that due to the the dating of a link in this post.

Today is the one-year anniversary of my total disillusionment.

It's been a disappointing year about myself (other than car buying, which is the one thing I really give myself props for this year on the DIY front). I've forced myself to embrace the status quo. I've had to since I sure as hell can't find a reasonable escape route out of here, like qualifying to apply for other jobs or getting another job, hah. I've been in trouble and I've whipped myself into shape.

I am SUPER FUCKING PERKY at work--like, it's really nauseating--but somehow it turns out that if you are SUPER FUCKING PERKY at people, they somehow suddenly do not care if you don't know the answers to their questions. No, seriously. This is happening. This is bizarre. I do not comprehend how SUPER FUCKING PERKY (and really, it is obviously fake perky because I can't act for shit) makes everything better at work, but apparently it does. So I haven't been in trouble in weeks and work has been good to pretty bearable. Go figure. Well, that's all for the best since I'm not leaving anyway! I'm just here to do what everyone else wants, obediently and perfectly and SMILING.

I am sick of my life here on some level, but there is nothing else out there for me but this. So I will SMILE and I will BE PERKY and I will endure because it could always be worse and what am I whining about, anyway. This is the cushiest lifestyle I could ever envision for myself, anyway.

I have been reading a few celebrity autobiographies off and on and you can't help but notice that they all knew what they wanted early on and were hellbent on getting it. Well, I still don't know and I'm not hellbent on chasing after fuzzy impractical messes, so I am not a winner. In all honesty, I'm the sort who's generally kinda wanky and miserable on some level anyway no matter what. The blurry picture never gets any clearer, the details of what I'd have to do never get any easier, and I can't figure out some compromise between the business stuff that I can't stand and everything else short of finding someone else to basically be my keeper and do that shit for me. Which is ridiculous and incredibly irresponsible of me to do, so there you go. Life doesn't work like that if you don't DIY.

Someone posted a link to Andrew W.K.'s advice column on Metafilter the day after. I pretty much don't know who the dude is--I gather he is some kind of musician but he calls himself a "professional partier"-- but the writing was pretty dang good.

He was talking about when you have a strong dream, it's your destiny and you're obligated to follow it and the voice will only get stronger and the pain of not following it will be worse than not going for it.

Well...I can say from my experience that the voice straight up died on me. So, not always. Then again, it was probably false anyway.

I do wonder about that pain thing: is that really worse than being a broke freelancer, than dealing with business crap that makes me want to stab myself, than whoring myself on social media that bores the crap out of me to read, than acquiring stalkers and death threats online? Really? Is it worth risking my life to chase after a vague thing I've never been able to articulate, much less lay out into a concrete plan? Is it THAT awesome? If I can't even figure out how to do it....

So, yeah, this is why I always stay the same.

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