Chaos Attraction

Improv 101 Graduation Peformance: Slaughter The Cow

2015-05-16, 11:00 p.m.

The day was mostly pretty quiet. I went to drop off my stuff at the state fair. I went to the grocery store. I took Mom to Vampire Penguin and she was very impressed. And eventually we picked up Dawn and we all went off to my Improv 101 graduation show!

We had ten people show up (darn it, folks...), so some people got to go twice. I volunteered, yay! In the side classroom, we started out with warmup games, then were divided into two teams (which is to say, even out the girls--four in all), We picked team names--Toucan Soup and The Ohter Guys. He gave us a pep talk about failing up the wazoo, and told us to go in through the back of the stage and then exit towards the bar,. or just run around the back of the audience if you were going again. We got to do 4 skits instead of 5--I guess he had some "miscommunication" with the lighting or something there. Well, okay. I didn't do a monologue either time because none occurred to me that were on a related note to the other subjects being covered except for ones I'd already said in class--ah well. Did have fun doing scenes though. Wasn't quite as good as I had been a few weeks ago, but that's okay.

Trying to recall... monologues about being a teenager getting canned for being a flake, skiing when no one else was skiing, accidentally spraying oneself in the face while going through someone's else's stuff (moral of the story: don't go through someone else's stuff!), running a restaurant when a lady was way too picky about where she was seated, one about finding funny/dirty names at work (I was so tempted...), trying to be a paperboy and having "my sack shifted to the left..."

The scenes were, as best I can recall:
* A restaurant where they won't let you in without a reservation, period. I walked in, got told no, asked for their phone number, called and got one immediately and then got seated. The fellows who came in after me, not so much. One of them just handed over $100... and was escorted inside, circled around and taken back outside because No Reservation. The trainee guy was a hoot because he came up with a catchphrase: "I know the alphabet." Said when say, numbers were being discussed.
* The Ding Dong Deli, where the lady running it mispronounced words and the guy had a hard time getting a sandwich. (Afterwards he was all, "I really should have asked for pumpernickel instead of rye.")
* A scene where another girl and I were waiting in line at 3 a.m. to get into a place for brunch. I had to ask about the lack of toilets and she was all, "Stadium Pal!" Nice setup, nice hit!
* A scene in which a guy taught skiing by pepper spraying the student. (I thought he needed to go even blinder!)
* A restaurant where one of the patrons was incredibly picky--if you've heard of that sketch on Portlandia season one where they ask about where the food comes from, it was somewhat like that--and eventually, they just brought out a cow to slaughter now.
* A teenage boy is being trained to throw newspapers--and there's a point system for hitting people. I did a walk-on as someone obliviously reading a book during that. Hah.
* "Welcome to Vulgaria Industries Travel Agency," where everyone swears up the wazoo! I was a new employee learning the handshake and saying "fuck you!" and learning how to slap people on thea ss. All the employees have heinous nicknames, finally ending in the jack of all trades guy being called "cumstain." I was looking forward to finding out my horrible nickname, but the skit ended.
* This was followed up by a guy who is making obscene gestures with his hands without noticing it and going to therapy about it. He was flipping the bird, simulating sex, simulating masturbation, doing "the shocker," and finally finishing by humping the lady's chair. Oh yeah, and he's a funeral director..."
* I finished out the night by doing something the teacher said not to do but I wanted to anyway: bringing back Vulgaria Industries because I loved the idea of doing a service job while cussing. My client was totally excited and wanted to know if the experience started on the plane or when she got off the plane and could she get the sex tour.

Well, I enjoyed it and there were a lot of laughs. Mom probably wasn't too thrilled with all the dirty, but ah well. Brian didn't tell us ahead of time he was going to give us notes afterwards, which went on for awhile. He made some good points, like "first day on the job" scenes are hard and I probably should have been a little more grounded/shocked instead of "hey, this sounds fun, let's jump in"--good point, and also I should do walk-ins a bit later than I was doing.

Fun Brian quotes: "Every time someone needs editing, I"m just going to say slaughter a cow."
"You earned your cumstain."
" Dry hump is the gesture equivalent of slaughter a cow."
"I probably would have moved on to something with rainbows at that point!" --i.e. do a "clean" scene after all that dirty. I was all, "yeah, well, I couldn't resist!"

But hey, we all had a good time and hopefully at least some of us will reunite in 201. And we were in there for so long that the Lady Business show at 8 had started. Now I'd wanted to see this all along and had kinda floated the idea to Mom and Dawn a bit ahead of time and they hadn't sounded interested (plus extra money). But they apparently nicely paid up and paid for me as well, so I could see it. And it was delightful, I think that was Mom's favorite show so far. They had some kind of song theme going on for this show, i.e. picking some song, doing a monologue about it, explaining why "this is my jam" and then doing some brief "high school slow dance" scenes in between. I didn't get to hear them all, but possibly the most memorable was Mel's, talking about moving to a small town in Ohio where nobody ever left for generations, and she was trying to figure out how to fit in. She eventually decided to stop trying to dress like a jock or a nerd and went full rocker and cut her hair and then everyone liked her for herself. D'awwww. I also recall Molly doing one about going into the back of a crap restaurant she was working at to smell the crayons.

Scenes I recall:
* A mom freaking out that her daughter was going to slut it up in school and was packing her a bunch of turtlenecks to go to school in Arizona. Mom eventually decided to get a job in housekeeping at the girl's school.
* Moms trying to watch Romeo and Juliet and the PTA president has brought a camera and her own boom mike guy to record it, while blocking someone else entirely.
* Crayons being very, very nervous about what's going to happen to them.
* Girl 1 forgot to turn in the science project on time! But it's all good, because she told the teacher Girl 2 is going to die in two weeks, so that should get her past graduation... Girl 2 panicks and cries and throws up a lot, while the teachers are all, "Yeah, four people told us they're dying, someone better die or they're all getting F's," and oh yeah, Girl 2 is now going to have to give the graduation speech....
* One girl finds out that the other girl she invited along on a road trip is now trying to act tough and cool and be a general poser, obnoxiously.

Mom was pretty impressed with Mel and Molly and I was all "Those chicks won Cage Match ten times in a row."

It was all a very good time. I look forward to doing it again in the future.

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