I had another dream about him last night. We were in the audience watching some show or other with Ashley. He was offering me popcorn. I felt like I should avoid him and felt sad. I wanted to see him. I wanted to have hope again. And now I don't have any. No hope that this neverending singleness will ever end, unless a psychic's right. And we'll see there. Sigh. I seriously feel like I am just wasting my life being single forever. I really hate it. I'm really tired of it. I have pretty much wanted two things in my life and I can't have either one of them. One of them is out of practicality and I'm choosing not to pursue it, which is fine. My soul screams like a whiny little bitch about it constantly, but it's fine. My soul wouldn't be happy if I DID pursue it, it won't be happy either way on attention whoring and once I started getting more stalkers/harassment/doxxing for my pains it would just be miserable in a different way, so it can shove it. But this is definitely not my choice. God, I wish I could stomach settling already. You don't want to know how many times over the last year I've thought I should try to find Frank's number and just give in already because being with someone who's nice even if I don't want to get physical with them at all may be better than 17 years and counting (insert cicada/Bennifer jokes here) of literally nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing.

I should be rehearsing more Shrek today, but god, I'm tired of it. They didn't make a "back" video version of "I'm A Believer" (filmed from the POV of the audience only in front, but not the "back" as to how the performer is actually supposed to DO IT) and my brain has decided it is DONE trying to figure out how to reverse the steps in my brain. For those of you who do not learn dance numbers, you spend years standing behind the instructor, watching them from behind doing it so you mirror them, and there's usually a mirror so you can see what it looks like from the front. I am used to easily copying steps that way. Obviously the mirror isn't an option here, but it really helped when they filmed from behind. I think they were having video fatigue toward the end since the last video is labeled as "take 400." But when you watch someone whose leg is going to the right, but telling yourself and having to remind yourself, "No, you're supposed to be going to the LEFT" BREAKS YOUR EFFING BRAIN. I have ridiculous signs on my laptop right now saying STAGE RIGHT on the left hand side and STAGE LEFT on the right hand side and THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Trying to watch a video with your head turned over your shoulder so that you're doing it at the same perspective as the person dancing is no better.

Had Collage Club after all (Doreen skipped but everyone else was on till about 2:15). Didn't really do anything major but hang out, but that's fun. Mostly talked about procrastination, I brought up The Four Tendencies and passed the quiz on to Meg and she came out Rebel. She also mentioned that one of her sisters...well, this has been going on for over a year that her sister cut her off after her husband's death and said "don't try to contact me any more, don't send me things." Meg has decided that she's respected that for over a year and well, let's give it another shot, the sister can always throw out the letter and present if she wants to. It's her whole "I'm going to love whoever I want to love" thing. I said I don't know about that one, I don't want to traumatize anyone who doesn't want to hear from me or whatever.

After that, I rehearsed more Shrek again, then went off with Dawn and Loretta to cardmaking class, which we hadn't done since February 2020. We looked at catalogs Dawn brought in the car, and I brought my copy of "The Little Book of Big Corgi Butts," which they were both really into, to the point where I ordered two copies for them when I got home. Everyone was masked up for the whole thing. Things were almost as normal, other than the teachers said we were ONLY stamping and anything else more special, you'd have to assemble at home, like if you wanted to use dimensionals (3-D dots) to make anything 3-D. Two of the cards didn't do that and two did, I decided to just make them there right now with glue instead of 3-Ding. It was fun and good to hang out with people again, and hug Dawn twice at the end. I invited her to the drive-through Burning Man thing next weekend and she happily accepted.

Later: Well, I'm done with 4 out of 6 numbers. Only "Big Bright Beautiful World" and "I'm A Believer" to do tomorrow. I offered to stay later to cram in one more song, but Steve was not in the mood to do more than that because there's a satellite outside. (Which I was going to try to find, but IT'S COLD OUT THERE and there are trees and eh.....)

Anyway: we did "Story Of My Life" in about 3 or 4 takes or so, the shorter stuff (the tag to Story Of My Life, Goodbye Song) in about one-ish, I think about 3-4 for Freak Flag. Not bad at all. They were super nice, we chatted a bit about Winters people we know (they know Jesse and Dona and Alexis and Mark and Anita), they asked what I did in Robin Hood and Steve was all, "Oh THAT''s what you did!" when I said uh, we just had one person singing at a time for that one!

It was a good thing I showed up 20 minutes early for the costume, as ah, mine needed some adjustments--Jean will need to do something about the shirt collar coming off--and she didn't like my hair being in a bun, so she had Morgan (Hugo was in filming, and Morgan's a hairdresser) braid my hair in two French braids, which I will TRY not to mess up tonight sleeping, HAHAHAH. She said she can't do her hair that smoothly on her own head either! My outfit is REALLY ludicrous with the pink wing on--it's kind of a spiky almost mohawk and I was all "Uh, I'm concerned the wig/ears are gonna fall off..." which they totally did on the first shimmy back. Oops. This will take some wrangling to do home alone, I think.

(Pandemic "who's got a mask on" report: pretty much everyone but me at some point. Met Hugo from a distance. Morgan had one on while braiding my hair. Jean was going maskless while futzing with my outfit but put her face shield on later. Steve and Jan had theirs on most of the time.)

I am happy to report that I did not totally eff up the order of the dance steps of anything, THANK GAWD. The Goodbye Song is apparently just running around and being silly--okay, fine, I can do that. I asked how "Big Bright Beautiful World" was going to go (note: this is the song where we sing about BBQing a 7-year-old child ogre) and they said we'd get a big ol' Grim Reaper cloak and they will give us a pitchfork or torch through the magic of computer graphics.

Mostly I was SUPER thrown that the tracks they were having me use didn't have a whole lot of other voices on them, so I was all "uh, when do I go?" Not that I miss having to listen to Gingy sing for fifty long high pitched seconds (no offense to Dannette, but when she was singing it the other night I waaaaaay turned down the volume on my computer so the neighbors didn't KILL ME, and I have been skipping that while playing it in headphones during my rehearsing), or Pinocchio (similar), but then it was all "when do I GO?" Oh well, Steve cued it for me, thank goodness, after establishing that was the issue.

Hopefully I didn't sweat too much all over the giant outfit (and I did manage to dance in Crocs without incident--astounding!), but the pig nose did legitimately drip sweat after awhile.

Anyway, whew. I will hopefully run through "I'm A Believer" at some point tomorrow before going over and hopefully nail that. Fingers crossed. Not too bad, overall. I am super thirsty but uh, chugging a lot of water before bed....uh-oh!

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