Tn'T Night One: Down The Pants
2019-05-17, 8:32 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
I started out the morning by dreaming about being a loser at improv because I’ll never get on a team. It’s one thing to expect that sort of thing and be unsurprised IRL, it’s quite another to have your dreams being all, “Hey, no, remember what a REAL LOSER you are, dumbass?” Ugh. My dreams this week have been about being in the play and those are great, but this sucks. The day had to start out with this?
(And yet, really, someone else wants me to do improv, thankyouverymuch.)
I then caused a whopping amount of trouble by fucking up at work. Apparently I did something that scheduling said NOT to do, but since I didn’t exactly comprehend everything that BigBoss said was going wrong in the first place, I caused massive fuckup that I had to fix in the last 20 minutes of my workday. Which got done, at least, and my boss didn’t give me much guff (more like “moral of the story: we appreciate that you’re trying to be helpful, but don’t touch that”) and I still got to leave early for the play, whew.
There is a full moon out tonight, which might explain... a lot.
Sadly, I am unable to write down as many details of the crazy shit that happened during the actual show in front of real audience members. I attempted to make notes before and after, so here is what I recorded.
More fun commentary by Cameron about her dress:
Pam thinks Michael’s painted-on tattoo (he has a “Tina” heart tattoo that he flashes to the audience) is sexy.
While we were decorating for the wedding, we were in the community center considering whether or not to use what was clearly a box of Mardi Gras decor. “It’s too tacky for a tacky wedding,” Pam declared.
Night One Notable Moments:
(a) The show was sold out and VERY CROWDED IN THE SPACE. There wasn’t anywhere for the bridal party to line up in the back, there was a little bit of stage room in the
(b) I’m supposed to mill around and talk to people and show them where to sit for the opening half hour before the show starts. Usually theaters open a half hour beforehand, but people were showing up early. I ended up talking to a lady who said she was too short to see the show and had been assigned (with her party of six) to sit in the back “so I switched the table numbers, is that ok?” This is when I found out that no, the seating is NOT open, there is a lady there who makes seating arrangements and she is VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT ALL OF THIS AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MESS WITH HER SEATING ARRANGEMENTS. NO NO NO. (I thought “eh, turning table 8 into table 6 shouldn’t be an issue if nobody has sat down yet at 6” but oh yes, yes it WAS.) So, lady was not allowed to move her table number whatsoever. Also I felt very unprepared because I had shown up early to talk to the caterers, put out the cheese n’ crackers, etc. and then looked like I had no clue, which I did. I do not know what happened between when I left to change at 5:30 and going back up around 6:30. Nobody’d mentioned assigned seating to me either. Awkward!
I did get complimented for my NYC accent though, so score for that.
(c) I was supposed to walk around offering cheese n’ crackers for snacks after the ceremony was over, but it was so jammed in there that in no way did everyone get some cheese n’ crackers, even when also making Vinnie do it. Sigh.
(d) For once I ended up making a bad sex joke about me and Vinnie’s sex life (saying that the slapping in the “Push It” dance reminded me of such) and got a whopping groan. I was all “wait until HE starts.”
(e) I managed to do a SPECTACULAR spit take during Barry’s best man speech, in which he talks about what he and Connie were doing in bed (“in bed...talking...” and “what came out of my mouth was...”).
(f) We got people on the dance floor after the ceremony had ended, but after Grandma’s fall people were too afraid to go back on the floor again. I tried, y’all, what else can I say.
(g) Speaking as the person who has to deal with the catering issues: no sooner did I announce that everyone had to line up from back to front at the catering table (which we wanted people to do so that some people could see the food fight--I am NOT allowed to see it because otherwise I’d be obligated to do something), then I found out that no, the caterers had somehow lined up the other way so that everyone had to go from front to back. This turned out to be very traffic-jammy and I had to make people wait a long time to join the long line. Sigh.
(h) The most notable event of the night was the Dollar Dance. I was handing out tape to people in line and one lady (older, looked normal....) confessed to me that she wanted to stick money down Tony’s pants. I had no idea what to say to that (in retrospect, maybe I should have tried to fend this off, but I doubt I could have dissuaded anyone from the opportunity, if you know what I mean) and sure ‘nuff, she did. And by that I mean specifically that after she stuffed his pants, she apparently told him afterward, “Nothing’s happening. Something should be coming out. I’m a little upset.”
(i) Tony was also gifted with a headband that someone tied money into and put on his head.
(j) The least notable event of the night was the Dom/Sister kissing scene, which was entirely drowned out by the pants-stuffing scene.
(k) Also very notable: Laurel basically straddling someone’s wheelchair and dancing. This turned out to be happening to Yarn Empire Scott’s sister, who seemed to be very cool with it. (Frankly, she seemed so cool with it I assumed she was in Laurel’s friend/relative party, until I was told afterwards who she was.)
(l) Vinnie managed to stay pretty well on schedule, whew. He did, however, decide he was going to sing “My Way,” anyone else’s opinion of it be dammed, and told me to cut him off after the “pauper” line. I did as such. He actually can sing better when he is not trying to sing horribly, go figure.
(m) The sketchy plan was that us “extra” people working the wedding (Sal, Vinnie, me) would just randomly sit down at a table in the audience, but there was absolutely NO ROOM for that. I did finally get to eat, cramming it down in about ten minutes, but had to go eat at my hidden chair in the far corner that I’m in during the ceremony. (Vinnie ate out in the hall and missed a cue, but we filled in for him.) The food was okay. Salad and pasta were fine but I was not impressed with the tri-tip. Mostly because I don’t really like steak anyway because if you don’t cook it pretty thoroughly it comes out like rubber and takes 20 minutes to chew a bite and they were going for “pink on the inside,” and I didn’t even have a knife to attempt to cut it with, so fuck it. Oh well.
(n) Cake serving took a while. Kudos to my castmates for actually passing it all out across the room, while I shuffled plates of cake out to everyone to pass out.
(o) Laurel forgot her pregnancy pillow tonight, used a sweatshirt, and then “gave birth” to the sweatshirt after the show. The sweatshirt was duly fed a bottle.
Dawn and Loretta came to see me tonight, and Dawn got me flowers. Awwww.
After the show was over, some of us adjourned to the bar across the street before they closed. Jean and Bridesmaid Sarah did not join us, but they did drive by and fake-yell at us, which was responded to by Laurel humping the car and Valentin opening the door and pretending to get in. I have no explanation for any of this behavior.
I found out that Laurel wants to do a theater space in her house, even doing storytelling. I told her to let me know when she does it (crossing fingers that actually happens). I also found out that Laurel is apparently a “scientific scuba diver” as her day(?) job, and see below for more on that.
Quotes I did get to write down:
Out of character: