Chaos Attraction

The Slow Path Continues, Apparently

2013-05-19, 9:43 a.m.

Finishing off my weekend of lectures...I went to an all-day hippiefest. It was one I'd always wanted to try going to, and it's my last opportunity to do such a thing while not having to worry about rental car time to go to an all-day event. So what the heck.

I went to a bunch of weird hippie lectures. One guy lectured (several times) on how to use astrology to clear out your emotional BS and move on with life, which I thought was a pretty cool idea and I should actually like, try this sometime. I went to a meditation on how to meet your spirit guide, except I totally did not. Possibly because some damn hippie band set up and started playing VERY LOUDLY RIGHT BY THE DOOR the entire time and I complained about it afterwards because for fuck's sake, man. (Especially when as far as I could tell they played the same line over and over and over and over again. Why doesn't hippie music work like regular music, with like, lyrics, or at least more than one line of lyrics?)

I went to a past life regression meditation that...well, they limited all the talks to a half hour, and by the time you actually got 'relaxed" enough to do that part, the meditation ended after like a minute. I don't think that went so well. But apparently I was a young Greek woman henpecked by her parents...some things never change, I guess. I went to a talk by a guy who designed an awesome tarot deck of mine...which was odd, that dude is very wall-bouncy hyper. He also spent like almost half the talk promoting cons he goes to, which got on my nerves. Though I can say that once he got to the point of his talk, that did go well.

And...yeah, I went to a professional psychic. Because by god, I wanted to know what went wrong on that day with my so-called prediction and what the hell, asking a total stranger who channels shit for relatively low cost (and giving me a CD for my reading, which I totally approve of) was what I came up with.

Anyway....the reading was very, very odd. I am still not sure what to make of it. I even made my shrink listen to the reading since I actually saw her in person this weekend and she was all, "I don't think most of this sounds like you either." She went on a lot about how I'm about to kick ass and take names and be kinda like, not making this up, Godzilla. I am...not this dominant of a personality IRL, you guys. I mean, that's flattering and all, but I don't really act that steamroller-y. I come from that sort of gene pool, but since I am used to being steamrolled, I try not to do it myself. And I am "running destruction" (as a life practice, not that I am slamming buildings). I don't think I am doing that at the moment so much...maybe later....I dunno....????

She brought up, on her own recognizance, my splitting with my mentors a few years ago. According to her, it was because I wanted different things in life...though in my opinion, that is probably the other way around on that, plus other things like "they moved on" and "I'm pretty sure one of them no longer likes me, given how weird/cold she is to me in public when I run into her every few months, FUN TIMES." Though she did offer to hook me up with another mentor, who I did give a call to a few days later. We'll see how that goes. I can't say that I have intended to practice the same stuff that the recommended person does, but I still want to learn things and am mostly out of options that don't involve my ex-people, so.... we'll see on that.

As for what went wrong during the weekend....she said I changed my vibration (WHATEVER THAT MEANS, I DON'T KNOW, BUT I SWEAR I WASN'T TRYING TO) over 3 years. Irritatingly, my shrink and Jess apparently agree with this theory. The psychic was all, 'if you'd gone right then it would have happened, but..." I am still pretty irritated. All of those folks are all, "You didn't do anything wrong, shit just...happened and changed or something" (more or less), but....I dunno. I know it's one of those things you never get the answer to, but it still is gonna irritate me for life.

And....speaking of things I don't want to hear...I am not going to meet my soulmate (if one is into these sorts of things, I dunno about it) until I am at least forty, because I HAVE to be old and wise first. And she sees...older man! Did I mention that my worst dates have been with older men? That I attract a lot of older skeezy dudes who won't bug off when they get no response? I don't want to date anyone who's old enough to be my father, thanks. That was nightmarish and I don't wanna. She was all, "I don't necessarily mean like, ancient, I just meant that you're gonna be older and so will he," but that still makes me want to drink heavily.

It's not just the infernal waiting, especially hearing this in a year where I thought this might change AND APPARENTLY FUCKING NOT, but...I don't want to have to wait until I am visibly older/fatter..oh, excuse me, "wiser" to get that sort of thing. I think of, say, my almost-perfect cousin who always manages to settle down and get married and pop a kid at the right socially acceptable times and think, how come she's better than me? What did I do wrong? Why do I have to get punished by waiting? Why do I have to be Older, Wiser, And Totally Self-Actualized before I can have it, when plenty of cute 20something schmucks get happily ever after all the time? How come I can't have these things at the proper times, i.e. when everyone else is doing it? Why do I have to be the infernal late bloomer?

I'm so damned TIRED of it. I don't even care about popping a kid out in the nick of time--I'm just tired of the "not invited to the party" feeling that comes from being a permasingle who can't have conversations with everyone else when all they want to talk about is husbands/babies/house/cooking crap. Why do I have to wait around wasting my life for 40+ years before I can get anywhere? Again, WHAT DID I DO to deserve that shit? Honestly, a lot of my getting past life regressions done is wanting to know when it was that I was acting shitty enough to get spanked in this life--but so far, no clues there.

She was all, "You can still date!" By which she meant screw random dudes. Yes, pretty specifically that. I'm sure she probably has had a blast with that sort of thing on her own time, she seems like she'd be that sort of fun. But um, I don't really give a shit about screwing random dudes when I rarely, if ever,, find anyone that attractive. Plus when one of your exes starts calling you "Limpet," well, that's a hint that perhaps you are not cut out for "fun flings." And dear god, I ain't. I said as much and she was all, "Don't be so rigid, be open to the possibilities," but ... man, I don't care about the possibilities of flings when I'm the sort who clings like fuck. The only flinging that will happen is them flinging my clingy ass out the door when I start acting like a limpet again.

So....just ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Unfortunately, astrology so says the exact same shit about me...not until your forties, not until your forties at least, and OLDER MEN! Like 20 years older! Oh, good god. I am so not okay with that. But.... it's not like I can exactly move up the timeline of my life for shit either. And I have been on the slooooooooooow path for so many years now. I'd like to believe she made it up, but....well, doesn't it sound typical and just like me? Most likely.

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