Letters From Admirers
2020-05-19, 10:45 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
Work: I found out that (a) we were going to hire 2, are now down to being allowed to hire one. MAYBE. (b) We are not allowed to extend the contracts of our temps, which all run out in the next few months. (c) We will not be allowed to hire new temps, at all, either, and (d) probably everyone gets a pay cut too in the future. I am literally going to be The Only One Left after July. God knows my boss is trying, but she's middle management and well.... what are the odds of anything working. About the only thing they might be able to do is get some more young'un employees to come back. Also my therapy appointment had to be canceled again today.
That said, it actually wasn't a bad day after that announcement, or at least I finished the day Not Utterly Fried, so that's something. Today's training was focusing on Coworker Sarah doing stuff, so I just kicked back and crocheted.
Ashley's birthday party is going to be a drive-by on Sunday. I am disappointed that it's not an outright online karaoke party, but...well, whatever. I am debating whether or not I can make her a necklace as a present and I don't know, throw the bag onto her lawn or something? (God, this fucking plague age. How fucking awful is it that I have to think about how I am going to contaminate someone's birthday present? I debated ordering her yarn instead, but since the store is closed for the moment, not a good idea. Plus well, other reasons.) At least it's on Official Must Drive The Car Day, so there's that. I guess it's a drive by singing party (?) and I do have a giant Sharper Image mic that supposedly plays music from your iPod that I might be able to get to work, I don't know. We'll see. I'm looking at necklace patterns. I have some cards around the house. I was debating making a sign, but it might be hard to hold up while driving, and also, do I throw that out on the lawn?
I heard from Randall today as well, he said he's back to work five days a week (he works in a garden/nursery)."under strict conditions." And he's in the Bay Area? I didn't even think they were that open. The mind boggles. I am getting the heebie-jeebies at all the "we're reopening! All the counties are reopening!" news going on right now. I really, really think that like after a week or two everything will be shut down because of more virus. I know people need the money, but how much are you going to make before everything is shut down again and half your clients get sick? I'm not even sure if "strict conditions" is even working? I just don't know what to make of, say, my coworkers wandering the streets, going out for coffee every day, parades of family members going through the house, etc. and somehow haven't gotten conspicuously sick yet. Or have they just gotten lucky? I feel like nobody knows much of anything and it's overwhelming. The level of paranoia that we have to live in these days really overwhelms me enough to well, bring on agoraphobia because it's just plain easier than figuring out how to deal with takeout packaging or whatever.
I did get some great news today: I got into one of the Femme Fatale shows! "Dropping Bombs" as Leah the mom. Go figure, eh? This is the first time I've auditioned for a show outside of Winters and got in!!!!!!!!!!! Squeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So excited!!!!!! Also heard back from Robert and we may have a rehearsal tomorrow after open tell, which is also good. I need to do a deep dive into Beatrice-ing if I can in the next few days, not just watching that awesome PBS special. I also got some other amazingness today, but it's a few paragraphs down from here.
Right now I am watching Patton Oswalt's "I Love Everything" special so I can see how he's doing with the new wife and stuff. I continue to be utterly baffled as to how people manage to find love again so quickly. (I mean, I'm still getting nowhere and it's been sixteen fucking years and what with the fucking pandemic I have no hopes on that happening ever again.) It takes him about 20 minutes to get to that part instead of talking about boring cereals or whatever it was (honestly, I was zoning there), but then: "I was very, very resigned to living in the gray.... I will merely exist." And then he met her, and "I"m going to run at love again. If you see love, run at it! Run at love if you see it!"
I agree with him.. But unfortunately, the fellow I did meet does not agree with that sentiment. On the one hand, I'm glad his last ex broke up with him (clearly she's a fool....from what I gathered from him, she sounds like a commitmentphobe though and god knows they mess you UP, it took me seventeen years to find out it wasn't my fault.), but I sure am pissed at the damage she left behind that seems to have turned him against the idea of running at love if you see it. One time he overheard me saying as such to Nelly quite a while back (though at the time of writing it, I did not point out that he overheard me saying it). I don't know if he remembers that or not, it was before July 30 and I don't think he like-liked me at the time but I felt super awkward having him hear it even so-- but seriously, dude, love does not come around every day for everybody. Sometimes you don't get opportunities. Sometimes you don't get opportunities for a LONG FUCKING TIME. Or NOW THERE'S A FUCKING PANDEMIC. I do not get the concept of being scared by it at this point, but I also come from the dead opposite side of that, i.e. "Seriously you can waste your entire life stalling around, I do not recommend it," except I literally can't say shit to him on this topic.
And while I will absolutely be okay without him, because I always have been and always will be, it bugs the shit out of me that my one opportunity in fifteen years has so far declined it, and I did not want anyone else who wanted me. (So sick of that last one.) And now there's a fucking pandemic so finding love again is no longer an option, with him or anyone else. I hate to have my one opportunity that I had in the last two decades be a complete waste, but there you go and it categorically wasn't my decision, it was his and the universe's.
And yet I still watch more damn Pick A Card readings. I liked this one (pile 2) because it said that so far the only obstacle is us being physically separated, when he's not communicating with me he's just busy working, he wishes I would communicate with him (O RLY?! Ditto, but if I say anything, will he?), songs remind him of me, and 'the distance will not break you apart." There was even some card about deer in there, which seemed appropriate because dealing with him reminds me of dealing with a scared deer. No sudden moves.
Then there was this one (pile 1) that also said that timing and distance are the issues, but actions are limited at the moment and there's not much he or I can do because it's a dormant period and he's afraid to take a leap towards me. "It's not that either of you have given up, but it's out of your hands." I liked how it did pick up that yes, he always wanted to do group stuff instead of one on one (most of the time) and doesn't feel comfortable reaching out to me and would prefer in person. I KNOW THAT BUT WELL, THAT'S NO LONGER A BLOODY OPTION NOW, IS IT?!?! The assessment of the reader was that he's too afraid to talk to me, is trying to distract himself and not think about it but it creeps in in the middle of the night (sounds legit), there's some kind of tethered karmic bond going on, and they do want to be with you. "Your biggest issue is timing and confidence on your person's part" and there wasn't enough time to establish strong foundations, not that anyone saw that in a pandemic. She thinks it'll change sometime but hell if she has any idea how long and "it's unfair to put expectations on them when the timeline is out of their control." Sigh. "They are going to need you in a group setting." (HOW THE FUCK CAN I DO THAT ONE RIGHT NOW?! The only thing that's worked is if Linda puts something on and he can't make all of those and they aren't exactly chat time.) "They are not comfortable with approaching you one on one since so much time has passed. They are sadder than they let anyone know. They are by themselves."
That was extremely perceptive. I just wish there was something beyond "just wait around indefinitely, nothing you can do, presumably he'll come around some day, or year, or whatever." God knows I keep myself busy at work, acting, storytelling, watching things, and crafting (I'm getting close to finishing all the Baby Yodas right now), and yet this shit still creeps in, and not just late at night in bed either. Bleeeeech. I wish I could wipe my own memory of the whole thing, Good Place-style, at this point.
That said, I got two incredibly nice notes today from folks online after I said elsewhere yesterday in a gripe thread that I Am Not Okay, one person offering hugs (I am happy to say that I don't cry when someone mentions that word any more, or at least haven't lately) and the other just flattering the shit outta me, lemme tell ya. Now, the website that I am doing my online chatter on lately is a megasite, not social media one. It's great because it's a big enough website that it hasn't died due to social media like the main websites I hung out on for years on end and there's plenty of chat topics. Those other websites were a great online family until social media killed the radio star. But the one flaw is that I do feel like this website is big enough that I don't really get to know people in the same way I did in the past, though. I know some folks more now through the secret Slack channel (Claire) so that helps there. But it's kind of like hanging out with the occasional cool person you meet at a con and then can't find them again the rest of the weekend somehow. It's a little overwhelming. I end up having private correspondences with a few folks here and there--one of whom actually offered me a free book after mine got stolen!--and then things kinda drift off, you know? Which is a shame. I'm not sure how one handles that one. Would love to make more friends and build more connections, I'm just not sure how to get that work under the circumstances?
Anyway, I was incredibly flattered by the second letter. I'll tactfully paraphrase, but she said that I had said a billion wise and lovely things over the years and that I'm fantastic and they are sorry that everything is going to hell and if I need anyone to tell me I'm thoughtful and great and considerate, they will, and that I am respected. That was amazing. I seriously thought about proposing marriage for a moment just reading it (though uh, I think they are taken). And this is someone that as far as I can tell, didn't even have any particular contact with before. Just...wow. It's lovely to be appreciated. Am super flattered.