Chaos Attraction

Broke The Record For Crying Today

2020-05-21, 10:52 p.m.

It has been an exhausting day today. I made myself walk around for an hour after I got off work, but it was a bit stagger-y and then I just laid around in bed for most of the next two hours. I am unfortunately too hungry so I had to get up and I need to shower, but then I am probably going back to bed again. I'm that exhausted and still have one more work day to go.

A coworker sent a photo of his graduating senior daughter. One photo is of her in her graduation regalia and mask, rolling her eyes. That says it all for 2020, which I said as much to him. He said something like they felt like they needed that one.

The morning birthday party meeting was rather depressing. Technically none of us have been tested for coronavirus yet, but High Horse informed us that he'd been tested up the nose for something else before and it is absolutely horrible agonizing pain that lasts all day long. Thanks, High Horse! Something we can now all look forward to have happening to us multiple times! Also, everything's opening! My county is opening as of June 1! All the parks are full of people! And my coworker who went into the office said she saw people throwing parties outdoors all over the place, not social distancing at all! Meanwhile, Grandboss is attending from Amtrak wifi, wearing a mask, at least.

I truly do not get if the choices are "you may die horribly if you go outside, see your family, go shopping" vs "but I want sun and fun! I'm so sick of being in jail!," sun and fun wins. I do not get this. How can you overlook the strong possibility of horrible death?! I can't even imagine wanting to go outside any more to take my trash out. I about lost it today when someone delivered a random package (I have no idea what it is, I haven't ordered anything lately and of course I'm terrified to touch it at all to bring it inside the house so I haven't even looked at where it's from, I could barely manage to bring it inside with as little touching as possible and then scouring the Shire afterward), for godsake. Also I had a mini-meltdown thinking that my fucking apartment management might want to come inside again and all this was going on right as I had to go into another Zoom meeting, so I haven't dealt with it at all.

Oh yeah, and then afterwards BigBoss announced officially that we are not allowed to replace almost any positions at all. She's losing her assistant and NOT allowed to replace her when her temp contract runs out. All attempts to renew temp contracts were brutally denied. We are no longer allowed to hire any more temps at all, for that matter. Literally only two positions are allowed to rehire at all: supposedly one more position to join my unit, and a job in my old unit--you know, the one I'd qualify for except half that unit hates me. How the fuck do THEY get to still hire? But I no longer believe, AT ALL that someone will ever be hired. Lucy/HR has pulled that football away like what, four times before this? I've lost track. The worst thing that can possibly happen always happens, so that will not happen. Or maybe we hire someone and she drops dead of coronavirus before her start date and then we can never rehire again. Who the fuck knows, but it won't happen. Also, remember how I was so mad that the last time they were hiring they decided to just move one coworker into the other slot instead of hiring another warm body like we desperately needed? NOW THEY CAN NEVER EVER REPLACE HER. THIS WAS EVEN MORE OF A WORSE FUCKING DECISION THAN EVER NOW. I am so mad I can't even start, and I ended up crying again (Coworker Sarah offered virtual hugs and there I went again, I thought I was done at crying when that word is mentioned) in the training meeting.

I know I've bitched about this all week, but it's one thing to hear it from your boss and another to have the public announcement around this joint.

I said that yes, I am crying all the time, I am having a nervous breakdown and NO, I am not telling management because there is literally nothing they can do to help and all they can and likely will do is write me up for crying. And now Sarah and the other temps will literally not be able to get any other jobs at all if temps are no longer permitted to be used, at all, through the entire organization. She said something about how if she doesn't work she and her kid don't eat--like a usual joke--and then remembered what just happened today. She wants to apply for the position, but again, YEAH RIGHT, it's literally unable to happen. We are in the darkest timeline. Literally the worst possible thing happens every single time.

Tigress tried to give me a "buck up, you gotta have hope" speech because doesn't something have to get better sometime, but frankly, she couldn't sell it. Jackie gives me the same speech, only she straight up says, "you have to have hope because you're still alive and if you don't have hope you will kill yourself." To which I say, try living with your dad having a horrible degenerative disease with no hope for ten years, yes you CAN live on without hope forever. I asked Tigress if she could tell me anything that's gotten better in the last four years. She had nothing. There is literally nothing that can be done, except see how long I can go before I collapse into a puddle of tears. How will the office function when their one remaining person who knows how to do things goes out on mental health leave? Anyone got a plan for that? Of course not, because they can't do planning. It's not like anyone pointing out that the few remaining staff are going to collapse because even with temps right now they cannot keep up with the workload has done any good either.

I'm watching this Pick A Card (#1) and it said stuff like "help is coming" and "we see you struggling" and "he gives strength to the weary," and I am all BULLSHIT. I can't believe anything any more other than Murphy's Law. Where's this promised change supposed to be going on again? I thought Grandboss had a PhD in Murphy's Law, why can't she fucking plan for the worst instead of being cheerful and hoping for the best while ignoring reality? This is why I can't stand optimists.

On the one good thing in the day, we had our first Yarn Club meeting over Zoom and that was fun, even if someone asked about all our jobs and I had to explain how horrible mine has become and there's nothing anyone can do about it. At least the crafting was fun. I'm about done with Baby Yodas, I just can't figure out how to deliver them to anyone without having to go out and buy packaging and go to the post office. And some of them were going to go to temps... who will be gone soon. Mom called as we were all discussing having hoarding relatives--which was funny--and she said to hug a stuffed animal and pretend it was her.

I also had an amusing exchange with some other office buddies that turned into "I want a pedicure too! How do I get that over Zoom?" and "Let us know if you ever do dye your hair with tissue paper!"

Also, today's anti-affirmations calendar featured the saying "I saw that--Karma." Which has come up with you-know-who before. Under previously normal circumstances, I would definitely send him this picture, but is there any point in doing it now? But it's obviously a timely sort of thing, so if one decides to send it, it should be oh, today. I said I'd do it after the workday, but can I take another bad thing going on now?
Okay, fine, I tried it. He wrote back, "Haha, nice." I also discovered that he'd sent me some text on April 5....that did not download, and would not now. Is it stupid to ask what it was this late now? Probably, right?

I can't get nearly drunk enough to stop crying tonight. I broke the record for crying. I have lost track of how many times I have broken into tears today. It has to be over double digits at least.

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