Chaos Attraction

I'm An Idiot

2003-05-22, 7:45 p.m.

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How I wish I had a picture of this to show to you: today's "Life in Hell" comic featuring Binky the bunny saying, "I'm going to sit here and meditate until I have an epiphany!" So he sits for 14 panels before having one: "Oh my god! I'm an idiot!"

This is going up on my wall at work. Perhaps I should have it made into a sign to hang around my neck as well.

I have been avoiding this issue.

I do not want to deal with finding a roommate for next year. I really don't. I don't know anyone, and of late I can't figure out why anyone would want to live with nasty, sloppy, messy, coughing-so-loud-the-entire-fucking-building-is-hearing-it-tonight me. How can I "sell myself" to anyone? Hah. I'm a loser.

I know I should be looking NOW, TODAY, ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...but I still haven't been able to bring myself to doing it. I can't cope right now. I want to curl up and hide rather than deal with strangers.

Found out today that Hill had told the apartment complex manager that "oh, she'll be there at 5:30 to sign the lease." I really would rather have not signed it with nobody else to sign with, but I didn't get the option. I didn't want to be there when he showed up, to be honest. I actually kind of tried not to- he didn't show up on time and after fifteen minutes I ran out to do the errand I'd been intending to do before I found out that I had to be home. And wouldn't you know it that he decided to go swimming instead of showing up on time and was literally knocking on my door when I got back?

It was fate.

The funny thing was, they sent around a notice a few months ago saying to let them know if you needed a roommate, and they'd help you find one. So I asked about this today, and, well...let's just say that was a big ol' outright lie. Liability issues, natch. Boy, did I feel stupid for believing that.

If I wanted to bail out on my apartment RIGHT NOW and find somewhere else to live, fine, but... yeah, great decision to make on the fly there. And I like this place, dammit. On the other hand, I've probably just stuck myself with rent for the year that's 3/4 of my pay.

Because I'm a fucking idiot.

And speaking of fucking idiots, I once again totally fucked up. I thought I was doing some kind of a good deed yesterday by pointing a problem out that I knew nothing about, and REALLY put my foot in it and ended up saying something that I was NOT supposed to say. So now I've gotten myself kicked out of something I liked and made another "enemy" of sorts (okay, royally pissed someone off, not much difference) and feel like a total stupid asshole. And, as many people pointed out today, I should feel like that. Mainly I'm just annoyed at myself for ignoring the gut feeling telling me to keep my mouth shut on the issue. I want to smack myself upside the head very badly.

Dave encouraging me to speak out about things has been a bad influence on me. I started saying my mind more and now somehow my life has gotten so much messier and uglier and I'm pissing people off more. This is especially bad since I seem to have no clue as to when I am saying something horrible. Definitely not liking that and it is so not improving my life. Things were much nicer when I just kept quiet and said nothing. I'm having fantasies about taking a vow of silence, except that's not exactly practical.

I seriously wonder sometimes why on earth people encourage me to "stand up for myself" and "be assertive." (Hill was giving me a big lecture on it the other day.) Because it sure doesn't make my life any better when I say something, for the most part. I think deep down, people just like you better if you're a sycophant. The consequences of saying something, of arguing back, defending myself, etc., just aren't worth it.

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