Chaos Attraction

"I Love Eating Faginas."

2019-05-24, 1:01 p.m.

Quote from our latest temp, “Can’t stand parents.” He himself is a parent. We have had a lot of helicopters circling us today. Which thankfully I didn’t have to deal with, at least.

It was announced who is going to be hired as the new front counter person, as of around mid-June. Let’s hope this person can stand us and the job and not bail instantly or a few months in or get fired or sick or what the fuck ever else goes wrong around here.

Linda said that we had an article in the town paper that they wouldn’t put online, so I drove out to get it. I’m not mentioned in it at all (not a shocker--I am amused that the director is billed as “the bashful wedding planner” though) but the article is large and positive. I’ll get Jean a copy at some point since she has a giant photo in it.

I asked some folks about my angst about the professor thing and got a really good response that made me wish I had stuck around last night. It was along the lines of “she probably just forgot, and I have some potential friends who have been circling for years and we haven’t managed to meet up yet.” Then I wish I’d stayed. Especially since she did not show up at the stand-up show last night. I checked the Internet and it sounds like she was too busy once again.

Never mind.

As for the stand-up show, notable moments:

* I spotted a girl in the audience who was wearing very very very short booty shorts and a full on fake leg. The lower leg appeared to be decorated in mermaid scale look and the upper leg was covered in what looked like was tattoos of the Disney princesses. Coincidentally or not (I don’t know which), the first guy out of the gate was making jokes about wanting to buy only one shoe and other things along those lines until finally he came out with one-legged people “already got half off their feet and legs.” That was the one thing that cracked that girl up.

* An Irish guy talked about how despite this being a supposedly prestigious school, “there are some real idiots here that make me question the prestige of the university.” I wanted to yell out HEAR HEAR or YES or WOO so freaking much. He also talked about bumper stickers and how he never knew before someone’s favorite amendment or the academic standing of their child, and you never see an ashamed parent bumper sticker.

* One girl mentioned that her roommate leaves Mason jars of pee in the fridge. WHY?

* Another guy went to the creepy place. He hates morning wood, loves Bernie and hates Biden, referred to Biden’s running-for-president routine as the Charlie Brown football and said that being VP means that the most important thing you do is wait for your best friend to die, and then recounted the time when he was so bored in class he started reading some girl in front of him’s phone and then saw her text, “This fool behind me is breathing down my neck. Kill me now.” “I fucking strangled her. Now she has trouble breathing.” This last bit did not go over so well.

* A bisexual girl said that when she dates a girl, she wants to be the one with the bigger boobs, but has very low standards for men like “has an extra guest towel.” Also, “if you wear combat boots, your eyebrows tell a story” and “the tooth fairy has the largest collection of genetic information in the world.,” good point. And a story about her father telling her that the “pumpkin goblin” would steal her toes if she was bad or give her a pumpkin if she was good. He turned out to be right, she got a pumpkin and she still has nine toes! That last one was kind of another “oooookay....” moment.

* Next one up said that “apparently most suicides are at 3 a.m. so I guess what’s saving my life is sleep.”

* A New Yorker told a story about how becoming the queen of the sewer rats is every New Yorker’s greatest dream.

* One guy complained that he could smell a certain person (the Bernie fan)’s breath on the microphone, and said “I think before I speak, but I just think stupid thoughts.” He grew up in Hollywood and told about the time when he was 3 years old, saw Samuel L. Jackson at the grocery store, and unfortunately yelled out, “Basketball!” “I was probably the first 3 year old he called a motherfucker.” He also claimed to have gotten to watch the celebrity boxing match with Kato, Ron Jeremy, Octomom and Amy Fisher. He also made jokes about stringing out Hanukkah gifts to give crappier ones for the first seven nights and then give the kid an Xbox, and then said as a Jew that you don’t lie to kids about Santa, but you do lie about God.

* The guy who did the best of the night mentioned that “diversity in Ohio is a person with black hair,” and going to a Mexican restaurant there that spelled out a glossary of foreign food terms, but people pronounce them all wrong. He then proceeded to creatively pronounce various Mexican dishes such as “free joles negroes” and “faginas.” Seriously, the boy made hay of the word “faginas” for like two minutes of bliss, saying things like “I love eating faginas” and “hot, or seafood, or dripping with sauce,” and mentioned very dirty sounding cooking instructions. He also had the line, “I understand the value of being seen as human by Republicans.” And this was his first show? Good job, sir.

* Possibly the next best of the night was a guy who first started talking about a guy he knew named Henry in high school, starting with, “Does everybody know a guy that’s too weird to exist?” Henry would randomly burst into laughter out of nowhere at the thought that there is no good. Henry converted to satanism. Henry read hentai openly in class. And finally, when a girl started insulting him, Henry calmly opened the footlong black dildo he kept in his backpack and whacked her in the face.

Same guy also had, “So I went on a gay date on accident...” A nice guy bought him a nice birthday gift, so he took him out for dinner, then they went home to watch a movie, and then the date was all, “wanna have sex?” Our comedian decided “I’ve never been gay before, what if it’s awesome?” and decided to give it a try. “So I’m blowing this dude... it took me three pumps to realize I’m not gay. That’s the straightest I’ve ever felt with a guy’s dick in my mouth.” When the comedian ah, announced his feelings, the other guy was all, “Oh shit, me neither.”

Well, at least I was fairly well entertained.

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