Chaos Attraction

Out Of Problem Solving Ability

2020-05-26, 9:47 p.m.

I dreamed that I was packing for a trip to Hawaii. I don't think I will ever go to Hawaii again. God, I hate dreams so fucking much.

Today's work meeting: Lioness said that morale is low because we can't keep up with 800+ emails in the portal + everything else. There was no response to this from management, other than we were told to refer all questions about staffing issues to BigBoss, as "she wants to answer them." Uh-huh. I can't speak for everyone, but I'm not going to be dumb enough to ask to talk with BigBoss alone about anything. As someone said later, who's going to do that? Or is that some sneaky way to make sure that BigBoss "knows what's going on?" Either way, it doesn't matter.

I did get sent some anonymous survey (well, I hope to fucking god it's anonymous, I wasn't thinking straight at the time but I didn't see anything obviously tagging anyone) for some SuperBigBoss meeting and they wanted us to ID one thing we're having issues with and then give "shout outs" and say what we're doing to keep sane and what would we like to ask management. I didn't bother with the last three, I just wrote "I cannot do the work of six people and I am having a nervous breakdown" and hit send, like throwing a big ol' Internet temper tantrum. God, I hope they can't ID that was me, because I did not think that through and I do know the person running the survey (Super Big Boss's assistant, though she is super nice).

No therapy again today--I forgot that she pre-canceled in advance for this week. Sigh.

I got a ridiculous request from some international dude (yet again, international clientele making me batshit) wanting to change his records from, no joke, 42 YEARS AGO, because "someone told me I could do it back then" and he just didn't bother back, but 42 YEARS LATER HE'S CHANGED HIS MIND AND WANTS IT CHANGED NOW (and of course, mailed to China). I was all ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME WE DON'T DO THAT EVER and 20 minutes of having to dig through old records with my boss later, I'm still pretty convinced that whatever some shtihead said 42 years ago is a no....but we forwarded that on to another office. Never got a response on that one.

Anyway, I felt overloaded again as the day went on, I couldn't process hard shit and Tigress of course asked us to do some hard shit ASAP at 4:40 p.m. and I just could not do it. See, I'm so burned out and sucked dry I can't even problem solve shit. By 5 p.m. I was in crying mode, but I had to call Melinda (we had to schedule it around when her kids would not be an issue) and I only had the one window to do that in, so I ended up crying at her, she said she couldn't hear me on the phone, then she wanted to Skype and somehow neither of us could get the other on the Skype line and she suggested I get another Gmail address and get a Google Hangout and technology was utterly failing and I did NOT have the goddamned energy or problem solving ability to fix this. And I kept crying. So, whee.

Anyway, she said I can only get done what I can get done at work and "no one is being successful in this situation." I get that, but I fear what consequences will happen to me at work if I can't. Especially if my brain can't fucking function at problem solving (which unfortunately I'm not good at on a GOOD day and that is a lot of my job now...not to mention the joys of problem solving while going outside and getting food. I just don't have the brain resources for that. She also thinks there will be a vaccine because "If it affects white men with money, they're going to find a vaccine for it," (unlike HIV). I do appreciate that I kept saying we might as well hang up because I was too brain dead and crying and stupid to figure out not-working technology and she said she wasn't going to leave me alone like that.

Other than that, I started knitting a cat (to ominously keep the hamster company?) and crying and watching more stupid Pick A Card and I got really depressed on this one (pile 2) because it was fucking super accurate (nails him, nails me, says I'm fine and he's a mess) and said it will likely be a VERY LONG TIME or permanent for him to get over his fucking shit. GodDAMN. I was enjoying the ones yesterday saying it'd be over soon. I also watched some one about "what happens to your love life in the next 48 hours," which I pretty much watched as a joke because the answer is "Fucking nothing, I'm just gonna cry more" and sure enough it started out with this whole Hermit, energy not moving thing, and then turned into saying that the dude is going to come around and open the door or whatever. and things are going to get better and change for the better. Yeah, let's see if by 9 p.m. Thursday anything has happened that's not the fucking usual.

(Of course nothing happened that wasn’t the fucking usual. Miracles don’t happen these days. And this would be a pretty petty miracle to ask for now.)

Though on the "signs' side of life, a coworker of mine went out and photographed a bunch of handpainted rocks and sent them out to us all, and there were a lot of hearts and love and stuff like that in them. I wish I could find his neighbor and steal them all, except of course that would involve leaving the house and touching things.

Then I watched this video, 'nuff said from the title. "You aren't ready, but here comes the soul mate you've been waiting on!" "The waiting is over!" . And yet, somehow you don't want it. Oh, for fuck's sake.

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