Chaos Attraction


2003-05-27, 7:33 p.m.

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So, the weekend update: We mostly didn't do an enormous lot (that I can talk about anyway, heh), mostly kicked back around the house. I made this necklace, which I got the idea for last weekend and have been running around stocking shells and stuff for since (hence my enormous bead bill last week). It's quite complicated, but I love the tangled weave-type look that I came out with. Very funky, very unusual.

I've been in a fairly well, bad mood most of the time for awhile now (yeah, NEWS FLASH here, eh?), but this weekend was good. I put a moratorium on whining to Dave about all the things I'm worrying about for three days so I could just relax and enjoy myself. That was great. Of course, what sucks is returning back to my real life when it's all over. I tend to feel a bit more miserable going back home than I do any other time in a SDR, like "great, now I get to be alone again and deal with all of this by myself."

Here's some interesting bits of conversation from the weekend for ya:

(a) Periodically, we have these (very scary in some ways) debates about child raising. For the most part we agree, though one of us is inevitably much more hardcore on an issue than another. Then again, there's my big fear that any kids would take after him (rabble-rousing) in a big way, and he'd totally encourage it because he doesn't think it's good to be as submissive as I am. I think at least SOME submission is a good thing. I especially fear dealing with testosteron-y, temper-temper-y boys. The conversation will go like this:

J: "I don't want boys. I really DON'T want boys."

D: "Well, if you only want to have one, what are you going to do if it's a boy?"

J: "Send him back."

D: "Through that?"

J: "Okay, then give him to someone else."

D: "I want him! I'll take him!"

J: "Fine, then you take him, and I'll move out and visit on weekends."

D: "Nooooooo!...But what if you have a girl, and she's a raging (pardon my French because I hate this word, but I can think of no equally descriptive synonym) bulldyke?"

J: "I can't imagine any female child coming out of me that would be butch."

D: "I can imagine you butch, with your hair cut out and piercings everywhere..."

J: "You're nuts."

(b) I haven't gone to the vampire game in a coon's age, mainly because they are trying to (and most likely will succeed at) only have Sunday games from now on. I don't know why this bothers me (okay, I do- paying $20 to be a frigging member of this), since well, almost every time I've gone of late it has been ROYALLY dull. When I'm not there, apparently all kinds of interesting activities go on, but any night I've been there, well...

See, the people who go to this are for the most part, very nice and entertaining to hang out with before and after the game. I do like that part. But for the four hours of game, well... honestly, it's like being back in high school, only the only students there are the smoking punk ones in black. Everyone's off in their little cliques (oh, excuse me, I mean clans), and they're supposedly talking about oh-so-secret things that no strangers can hear, and as a newbie, you spend your entire night walking up to groups of people and trying to get someone, ANYONE to talk to you, and they really won't. Yeah, that's fun.

They don't really "play a game" in any sense of the word beyond dressing up nice, either. People have a hard time staying in character, and the storytellers don't give out any plots for people to deal with. Apparently some TRIED to give out plots and then people whined that their characters were being fucked with, so now there's almost no plots. Uh, what is the point of this again?

I am not good at this game, but then again, how you get good at it, I really don't know. If you can't get involved because people won't speak to new characters, and if you can't come regularly to games, then well, you don't get good at it.

So anyway, a few hours before game, Dave and I are discussing what characters to play that night. I have one that I wanted to play, and he had one, but our characters didn't know each other and I didn't want to be fending for myself all night at game without nobody to talk to. I said, "Why do I even bother making up characters? I might as well just play your ghoul" (human servant) "every once in a blue moon so I don't have to speak to people and be done with it." This led to us having this big argument about how I was inevitably bored at game and he felt guilty for dragging me along and how I couldn't say that I was bored and didn't want to go, etc., etc.

We ended up going to game after this argument (what else was there to do on a Sunday night?), and once again it was stupefyingly dull. Oooh, you're talking about making a mug out of a human skull, you're so badass. Even Dave was bored, and I faked sick so we could get out of there and go home early.

(c) An offshoot of the above conversation- I was saying that I suck at playing the game because I am too shy and intimidated, and Dave got really offended (for lack of a better term) at me saying this. "Do you know how it makes me feel to hear you saying bad things about yourself!?!?!" Well, honestly, no, I don't. I don't get why it bothers him so much. "Look, have I said anything about myself here that isn't true?" He was silent. I thought so.

My mother (more on her later) tends to blow up when I do that too, and I just don't get it. I can pretty much tell when people are thinking something bad about me when I'm in their presence, and if they're already thinking, "Man, she sucks," why on earth should anyone be offended when I say that they're right? If I admit to what's true? Am I supposed to be lying to myself about it? Is that the "socially acceptable" response, to deny it and run away crying? Because I'd rather not, thanks. Let's just mention the pink elephant in the living room/naked emperor/whatever and move on.

(d) And speaking of my mother, she's nuts. Now as you might recall, I spent a hell of a lot of time at home last month. I saw her at least once a week the entire month of April, and was home for most of those weekends. I also saw her the first weekend in May. I did NOT go to Dave's for a month and a half.

In short, she does NOT have the right to whine that "You spend more time with Dave's family than with us!" just because I went there for two weekends in a row. I called her on that, she quietly grumbled in response and once again brought up the "But you didn't come home ALL SUMMER LONG LAST YEAR!" (hello, we were screaming and hanging up on each other the entire time?)

I just can't please her no matter what I do. Hill is wondering what kind of a basket case she's going to be when I get married and get a life. I shudder to think.

For those wondering on the roommate situation, I am feeling slightly better about it, but still have yet to take any actual action about looking yet. I was planning on doing so today, but I ended up too busy tonight doing household shopping on Hill's day off. Or maybe I'm just stalling until it's too late, who knows.

Dave has suggested that I do a for-more-info webpage and just print the URL in the school newspaper instead of putting a phone number. I rather like the idea, though I'm not sure if it's the best idea to put it somewhere where the base URL is "sweet disorder." Definitely indicates I'm not a neat roommate...

Mail call!

* Got my bank statement in the mail for this month, and after doing my accounting in Quicken... OUCH. Painful. Thank gawd payday is Friday. Also thank gawd that I managed to keep groceries and household good buying tonight down to a dull roar, finance-wise.

* Got a sweet thank you for donating the book to the Piedmont library, with a personal note, even. Awww. I'm flattered.

* A reader named Michelle is incredibly beyond sweet, and sent me both Good In Bed and Otherwise Engaged after reading me whine that I wanted the former. I am even more flattered and amazed that she did that. You are very cool :)

* And finally (well, ending on a down note, but hey, most of this wasn't too bad, right?), I got an enormous packet of asthma stuff to "prepare" me for the not-particularly-looked-forward-to appointment in a few weeks. Actually translates into "jump through these hoops first," really.

I have to fill out an enormous questionnaire about my triggers (repeat: I don't seem to have any of any kind), when I was diagnosed with asthma (uh, isn't that suppose to happen officially that day?), a loooong list of Things To Avoid (hah, that'll happen, I'll just tell Dave's parents they can't smoke around me all weekend in their own house)...

I am depressed. I know this isn't nearly as bad as other family diseases I am highly likely to get in the future, and I really shouldn't whine because it can and probably will get worse and others have it worse than I do, but...this bugs me anyway.

Having grown up with diabetics and other fun chronic diseases around me, that's probably why I'm feeling so immaturely whiny about it. I've wanted to avoid a chronic disease and doing all the intricate, required, way-too-anal care that they tend to require (and which I am not good at) for as long as possible, and now my time's run out. Plus this makes me feel like I've finally started down the long road of Bad Health the other relatives are on. Like, first asthma, then diabetes, then what else can I catch?

I know I'm being an idiot about it and that it's really Not That Bad, and I'll eventually calm down. It's just one more thing to worry about on the big pile of things that I must worry about 24-7 and can't really control, and I didn't need one of those right now.

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