Chaos Attraction

Surrender, It's Out Of Your Hands

2020-05-27, 9:53 p.m.

I dreamed last night that I was Janet Watson in this book series. I don't know why. But I sure as fuck liked being someone else in another world for a change, even if Janet's world is fairly crapsack. Now hers looks like paradise compared to this one.

I can't deal with reading things like (Washington Post) Coronavirus may never go away, even with a vaccine. This fucking kills me.

# of Zoom meetings at work today: 4, 3 of them all one right after the other in the afternoon. Whee. I got called into a surprise one during what would have been my break time between two meetings, and had more surprise things dumped on me. I had nothing to say in one meeting because they wanted our input on how to create an improvement program and I was all, well, I barely learned how to work the brand new one you just came out with two weeks ago so hell if I know.... And crying went on off and on throughout the day, of course, as it is wont to do. Enough talking about work.

Okay, one more partial rant: it's hella annoying that you-know-who's first name is so damn common, when suddenly it ends up dropping into a meeting because that's the first name that comes up when I had to come up with an example of someone having a name change issue. Grrrr, argh.

I photographed the Baby Yoda army. It makes me sad. And I totally finished the rainbow vest today, it dried and I sewed on the back patch. I wore it to rehearsal tonight and Beth really liked it for wearing in the show. I think it's more appropriate than the rainbow tie-dye from the other day, actually, it seemed a little bright for the subject matter of y'know, suicide. We're still not sure what to do on the shared shawl moment in this, since Mel (my daughter in the show) only has a black shawl and a plaid shawl around. I just remembered that I have a black coat, so maybe we could use that, I don't know. Mike found some lovely pretty Alaska backgrounds, we'll just have to see how that works since I have been having issues with using backgrounds on the one white wall in my bedroom. I did think that maybe if I set it up in the hallway--kind of has issues because there's no outlet in the hall and I'd have to pile up a ton of books to use the laptop on the hall table and get a stool--that might work? Will have to test that out later.

Beth wants to do a one-on-one sometime, huzzah, looking forward to it. I did like the notes that she passed on tonight afterwards, even if my email is being buggy as shit (man, I hate when someone updates their website and makes it this case, boots me out after an hour) She likes what I'm doing, it's just talking about getting more emotional in certain places. Sounds good. This is already more direction than I get in person, I think! Not that I'm judging my previous directors, love 'em all because they cast me (even Sam who kinda crapped on me last year...but then I got into TnT, and Laure even though she's wackadoodle), but lord knows I could have used more of this in say, As You Like It at least.

Carlos isn't doing well :( They have added three more squares, so I'll have to get to that sometime.

I got email from an art center mailing list, which is apparently still trying to book acts and offer subscriptions for the year even though theater is probably going to be the dead last thing to ever open again. Sigh.

The storytelling conference I went to last year is going online, for a week. Unfortunately, most of that is going on during workdays and almost everything was fables, fables, fables (not my favorite thing). They did let you pick a la carte events to pay for, so I paid to go to one event on virtual storytelling, for obvious reasons, next next weekend. That was it. I did sign up for a few other events going on in California in the next few months otherwise, though.

Tonight's watching: Much Ado About Nothing, Shakespeare Retold version. I've seen it before and am delighted it made it to YouTube. It's really great. Billie Piper is a perfect Hero. Tom Ellis (i.e. Lucifer) plays Claude. Damian Lewis plays Benedick with an evil goatee. It's great casting and a great rewrite. Highly recommended for a modern one.

Today's Pick A Card: pile 2 here. "Surrender! It's out of your hands! I'ts going to happen. This person needs to be the one to make the move. It's in the cards." They expect you to reach out and the fact that you haven't means they're getting afraid that they'll lose you. "It'll help them to feel more confident in themselves." Okay then...There's also a "Listen To Your Heart" card in there... I get that a lot, too bad mine isn't saying much.

"I actually feel like I'm losing my voice at how much this person wants to channel through me." God, I hope they're right. I'm so sick of this endless debate in my head about trying vs. being Too Much, not taking the hint, he doesn't want me, etc. The heart says "yes he does, this is happening someday," the head bitchslaps the heart into oblivion and yells at it for being stupid when everything is obviously going against that now. I feel logically, headwise, that nothing will fucking happen, ever, given current evidence. I want to believe, but that's hard to do, especially now.

I should mention that before I went to bed last night, I had a card come out of the Love Compass Oracle deck that said “Optimism & Acceptance: See the situation in a brand new light. Trust your path as it unfolds, and let go into the moment. Think big and think positive to manifest the love and relationships you desire.”

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