Chaos Attraction

Moonstruck. Or Not.

2004-05-30, 6:49 p.m.

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So I really wanted to go see Warp 11 last night. Playing downtown at my favorite bar. BUT. I could not get anyone else to go with me. Jess and/or Mike were interested, but the fact that they weren't even taking the stage until 11 was an issue- they were leaving for Monterey at 4 a.m.!

On the one hand, I really wanted to go. On the other hand, I also really did not want to go to a bar alone. I mentioned this on chat and one girl thought I should go. "If a creep comes on to you, tell him to fuck off. And maybe you'll meet some really nice guy."

At which point, I promptly wigged OUT.

The entire reason why I don't want to go to a bar alone is that a guy will see this and think I am available and looking for a date and come talk to me. And I don't want any of them to. If they're a creep, I can't get up the nerve to say fuck off, and well, if they came up to me at all it's a guarantee that they are a creep. I am a creep magnet and Nice Guys do not come up to me. And I can't just brush it off when the very idea wigs me out.

I didn't want to walk into the bar alone (after paying the damn cover charge) and then be the only one alone among a bunch of 22-year-olds traveling in packs, with nobody to talk to and nobody to watch my drink so I don't get date-raped, while I watched the band. And then have some creep think I'm hot and approachable because I'm in a bar alone with nothing to do.

I tried to make myself go. I was wearing shorts and a colorful top, and I went to go change into pants with pockets and a black and gray outfit so I wouldn't stand out at all and hopefully go unnoticed. I couldn't even make myself finish changing enough to go out, I was so scared.

At one point I snapped and decided to do some tarot readings on this. This turned out not to be very helpful. The first reading indicated that I'd had a broken heart in the past, was scared now, but the outcome? I should be "restrained." Uh, that's not an answer. It's not like I'd go to the bar and take my top off. So I tried another reading, which was even less clear on the past/present aspects but told me I'd find love at the bar (evidently), two of cups. The third reading was similar, coming out ten of cups (success). I did a fourth reading, a yes-no one, from my Tarot in Ten Minutes book, which came out "Not yet."

I tried to talk myself into going just to see if something wonderful did happen to me if I went...but I was too fucking scared of meeting a man. Instead I stayed home and went to bed.

I don't want to deal with men at all any more. I don't want one in my life. I can't look at a guy in a dating context without thinking, "No matter how nice you are now, you're going to turn into a jerk and hurt me in the future, and we won't have every single tiny little thing compatible so that the relationship has a prayer of lasting long-term, and you are NOT WORTH IT to have as a temporary boyfriend." If I'm attracted to them, it's bad and that's a guarantee that it won't work out. If I'm not attracted to them and force myself to date them, every nerve in my body screams that it's wrong and to run away. I can't win if I play this game, and frankly, I'm not at all interested in going out to have a "Good Time" with someone specifically because he has a penis. I either go all the way or I don't go at all...and frankly, I feel like I just don't want to go any more.

I posted most of this whine-n'-bitch on the LJ earlier and got a comment that amused me no end: "Hi. This gunshyness? So not just you. Can I have my brain back? I don't trust it skittering off into bars alone. It might pick someone up who isn't perfect." Hee. Though the perfect bit rubs a bit with the "all the way or nothing at all" thing with me...

Not that I really have to worry about it, mind you, other than one slight maybe-problem. I've only seen two vaguely cute guys post-dumping and one of them is married and happily schmoopy about his wife the way Dave used to be about me. Which is fine and dandy. But that freshman dude with a girlfriend that works at the CC on Saturdays and when I see him is mostly giving me the eye freaks me out. Him working while I was in there doing the gallery thing yesterday made me run out of the joint ASAP, and he wasn't even particularly giving me the eye or anything that day the way he usually does. (Kind of a relief considering I was wearing tight-ass Spandex from dance class.) I hope he goes home for the summer and I do NOT end up on shift with him in the future. This is not to say that he isn't a nice person, he seems to be, but I do NOT need this crap in my life. Hell, we have a party on Friday and I'm nervous enough about THAT, being in a room with him in a social chatty context for a few hours.

I'm so gun-shy there needs to be a whole new word for it to encompass how avoidant I am.

In other non-news, I actually cleaned today. Yes, me, one of the minor duchesses of the Land Of The Slobby, got annoyed enough at the state of both my bedroom and the living room to clean them. (The kitchen is also pretty bad, but that gets cleaned once a week like it or not or else I can't eat.) I had clothes piled on a chair, a pile of shoes and shoeboxes and both clean and dirty laundry, a book pile for vacation, and both nightstands were so messy I couldn't find useful things such as my drug prescriptions. While my room isn't clean in the strictest sense of clean, at least there are semi-neat piles and walking space on the floor and some actual empty nightstand space now. Likewise, the living room coffee table has been overrun with jewelry work for the last few months, not to mention an ENORMOUS stack of bills/junk mail/ads/what have you that Heather gets that spilled all over the floor. (I piled her mail into the papasan chair, and good lord, it is huge and almost all unopened.)

I still have to get to the crafts table storage space and take out trash, but I'm fairly proud of myself for even GETTING that far. I even found my round tuit hidden in the rubble! Now I can get hard-to-open jars open again by myself!

(Heh. "I found my round tuit while cleaning." The irony.)

After all of that, I went and rewarded myself a bit. I needed to get a new travel jewelry holder, and I knew Cost Plus had some. I checked their site just to make sure and found they were having a sarong sale- 20% off ALL of them. There was a $25 one I'd been eyeing before Whole Earth that I didn't get, so I went down to see. Alas, those were long gone, but I did find a lovely purple-pinky one for $12. My cheapest sarong ever.

But besides that... uh, let's just say I should not go to Cost Plus when I didn't eat much for lunch. I normally restrain myself, but this time, uh, no. I bought candy. A chocolate orange, Piroulines, a Gummi hamburger, raspberry wafers, and some freaking expensive gourmet onion chips that were on sale. And on a more reasonable note, some kind of sesame noodle thing for dinner and a few things for the upcoming CC party (oh joy, potluck). And funky orange soda. It's amazing how a few junky foods filled me up so fast, too.

On a similar and yet different note from the opening of this entry, Moonstruck was on TV yesterday, and I taped it. I watched it today when I got home. I've always had an interesting relationship with this movie, even beyond the whole uh, moon thing.

You have your Loretta, who I suspect is a Taurus. She's disappointed, jaded, think she's jinxed, she dresses all dreary and acts pretty dull. She picks out the boringest guy to get engaged to. She thinks she made a mistake waiting around for love the first time and isn't cool with doing so for a second.

Then you have Ronny, the dirty, pissed-off, raging wolf boy (who clearly is a Scorpio), who upon meeting Loretta, screams at her about how pissed-off he is and threatens to kill himself in front of her. (At least I never hit THAT level in dating. Yet, anyway.) Meanwhile, his coworker Chrissy moons over him and refuses to bring him the big knife.

When he's out of the room, she says, "This is the most tormented man I have ever known. I am in love with this man. He doesn't know that. I never told him cause he can never love anybody since he lost his hand and his girl." Well, if you've seen this movie, you know that ain't true. I feel sorry for Chrissy. I can't say I actively look for tormented people (I think I am the tormented one, comparatively speaking, so uh, overload), but the "I never told him" bit I get.

But you know he'll never love Chrissy. He goes from pissed-off to horny-in-love in a few seconds with Loretta because she calls him on his tormented bullshit immediately. Which is pretty sweet, that he'd go for the chick that doesn't let him get away with that. (It's been my experience that the girl who lets the guy get away with his bullshit uh, keeps the guy. I kept calling my exes on their bullshit, and look what happened.) This immediately bodes well for their relationship.

And it's insta-sex-crazy. (And uh, damn, young Nicolas Cage when he's tormented and horny is hot.) I suspect the insta-sex-crazy *snap* is the only thing that would have motivated Loretta to go that far. She had to be driven out of her head in order to not be rational at this point.

Course, she tries later. One of my favorite movie lines EVER is her slapping him and screaming "SNAP OUT OF IT!" You have no idea how many guys I've wanted to do that to that had crushes on me and it wasn't mutual. Okay, not her situation there. But... I could easily see myself doing the same thing, minus the slapping, someday. I have this thing about being sensible. (Taurus thing.)

"You waited for the right man the first time, why didn't you wait for the right man again?"

"He didn't come!"

"I'm here!"

"You're late!"

Yeah, I could see me doing that too. The whole thing strikes a chord with Ms. Cynical here. And right now, I'm feeling like this:

"A person can see where they've messed up in their life, and they can change how they do things, and they can change their luck. Maybe my nature does draw me to you, but I don't haveta go with that. I can take hold of myself and say yes to some things and no to something that's just gonna ruin everything! I can do that."

Course, then there's Ronny's response to that. Can't mention one without the other.

"But love don't make things nice, it ruins everything, it breaks your heart, it makes things a mess. We're not here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. We are here to ruin ourselves and break our hearts and love the wrong people and die!"

Maybe I've just lost that flavor. Then again, there's nothing quite as sucky as having the whole passion thing like that and then having it all go to hell because of the real world and having to survive in it. Maybe I'm just dead, and wanting to avoid being woken up by someone again.

All quotes from here.

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