Here Without You
2020-05-30, 10:02 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
I decided to leave this as a mostly unscheduled lazy day (which is to say I only had appointment level activities in the mid-morning) to relax. Maybe this was a mistake because I am continuing to feel bored and blah. I had vaguely planned to go back to bed and lounge around, but instead I ended up watching YouTube/plays online some more.
It's a space-y day, I guess. If I only knew where my NASA "I Need My Space" shirt is.
I woke up to my neighbor singing karaoke upstairs. I like that. I miss that. "Locked Out Of Heaven," for the record.
I got up and watched a free astrology lecture on eclipses, i.e. shit's gonna be cray-cray, if not for me personally during this eclipse cycle, at least.
Then I watched the SpaceX launch and I am relieved that Bob and Doug did not explode Challenger-style because Elon Musk is an awful turd, something blew up the other day, and generally speaking, god only knows what the fuck is going on there. I was seriously concerned they might blow up. However, there is now some interview with some guy kissing Trump's ass about space and I can't even. That said, "I'm not gonna celebrate until Bob and Doug are home safely" was something I totally agreed with. Of course they don't have masks on *grumblegrumblegrumble* but at least they are tokenly standing six feet apart on this.
From my email:
The Shows Must Go On last week refused to show anything in America (huh?) but this weekend is permitting me to watch Hairspray, so that's nice. Given the current shitty life circumstances going on, maybe Hairspray works for this weekend, in a world where people all get along. I got the chills on someone pointing out that armed guards might shoot them, though.
I have to say I preferred Travolta's Edna to Harvey Fierstein's. Mostly because ... well, I know Harvey always sounded hoarse by nature, but seriously, he sounds nothing but agonizingly painful every time he speaks or sings. Human equivalent of sandpaper, jesus. Like he can't even try to fake being a lady with that voice. I don't want to dog on him, but I don't want to hear him speak or sing either.
I did get sad when Link said "they can't stop us from singing."
You know, I always love Penny and Seaweed. The charming, friendly, awesome dancing Seaweed ends up with a nerdy white girl. Gives us nerds hope, y'all.
I was surprised at the following things: (a) Penny riding Seaweed, (b) the super cheap fake bars that Tracy can just... move? When she decides to leave? "More budget cuts!" (c) I know I've seen the show a few times before, but I don't remember this bit. If you were in a TV beauty pageant, would you be singing a song about cooties? Especially to diss someone who hasn't even showed up (yet)? (d) OMG WHERE DID PENNY GET THAT TINY GREEN DRESS? (e) For a girl who either cuts school or sleeps through it, suddenly Tracy wants a fancy degree in musicology? (f) Uh.... Velma suddenly gets a high muckety muck position for a product of women of color? HUH? I don't remember that either. (g) Uh... Penny's mom seriously wants to come onto Seaweed?!?!? (h) So wait, the Von Tussles just randomly decided to join in the dance number?
I LOVE Tracy's dress and Seaweed's blue suit at the end. Gorgeous suit. Very shiny. Runner-ups: Edna's red ensemble at the end. ("What'd I miss? I've been stuck in the can since lunch.") and Maybelle's gold outfit hidden under a security uniform.
Other than that, I am feeling blah. Mom called multiple times when Roger was busy for five minutes. I am done with my new fake cat. Looks cute, but the face is a little off. Probably would have looked better with real cat eyes, but can’t do that. Food in the house continues to not taste good--not in the "I lost my taste and smell due to covid" way but in the "God, I'm sick of being out of most of the dips in the house and I hate these sea salt chips, why did I buy them but it's quarantine so I feel obligated to eat them and the only thing I have to dip them in is chocolate spread and that's a fucked up combination I don't even enjoy, and I'm tired of soup, and these croutons taste burned for some damn reason?" way. I'm trying to save what's left of "the good stuff" that I may actually want to eat (my favorite kettle chips, fried rice, pizza, the rest of the popcorn chicken) for as long as I can or if I get REALLY hungry, which may be within a few days. But why even get hungry when I don't do anything? I did walk around for 90 minutes--I have actually managed this for seven days in a row, so good for me--but otherwise, most things are MEH. Haven't showered in a week, because why bother?
I don't want sugary sugary cookies or chocolate covered things and I feel like 60% of what's left in the house is sugar and chocolate and I'm sick of that stuff. People (mostly Mom) gift me with SO MUCH SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR and I have never had as much of a sugar tooth as most people (it's not really filling like a meal or anything, so anything more than dessert levels is just not doing it) so I just can't eat it constantly like I can chips, except I don't even want to eat the chips right now. Right now I just opened some packet of "Hawaiian Crispy Wafers" I got at some Hawaiian festival and it's like, why did I get these, they don 't have much flavor either. God, I wish I wasn't mostly out of dip. Sometimes you really need it to jazz up your food. I have a bit of salad dressings left, and sweet and sour sauce I am trying to save for the popcorn chicken, the half-eaten chocolate dip I am sick of, and one precious jar of ranch dip that I know I'll plow through in about an hour if I open it, so I am trying not to open it. I found one packet of Caesar dressing around the house and tried to make the burnt croutons taste better, but that didn't work.
Okay, I give up, it's near 10 p.m. and I'm still hungry and sick of food. I'm giving up and making the popcorn chicken.
Here is the stupid argument I have in my head over and over and over again, aided or unaided by various Pick-A-Card readings. I am only able to distract myself from this argument for so long before it comes roaring back again:
1. I miss him. Whether or not we ever get together romantically, I miss him. I miss everybody, but there is a special missing for him and what we could have been developing together had everything not been torn asunder hopelessly.
2. He can't handle initiation and that stuff freaks him out, and has told me so to my face (presumably as a warning), and come to think of it, the few times he has texted first was for reasons like inviting me to an event, which is no longer possible. He's probably been pretty quickly responsive oh, 80-90% of the time before the virus when I did it, but these days I don't even know.
3. If I don't do it, it won't happen, I strongly suspect. It's not like either of us has much of a reason to contact the other and reasons are important, both for him and for me because I don't really just contact people for "How are you doing?" either. And what the fuck do you say now?
4. I am willing to do it, but I am less willing to if I get little or no response because then I get mad at myself.
5. I suspect he doesn't have much to say beyond "just working" anyway. Even under previous circumstances he said he lived a boring existence (well, except for acting/karaoke/friend group stuff). Unlike me, he's not able to go do fun things online almost all of the time. So working with "I'd like to talk to you but I have nothing much to contribute" is a problem. Not being able to hang out in the same vicinity doing a hobby or performing is a problem. Sadly, Zoom acting doesn't really allow for much chatting of late, karaoke isn't going, and I've had the suggestion of "watch a movie together" but that's not doable for him either.
6. Fuck if I know what to say, literally. Especially when part of me really wants to be all, "I'm having a nervous breakdown, please hold me, except you CAN't now," which is not a great thing to bring up with people who are not your therapist or don't work at the same giant org as I do (believe me, my fellow employee friends/former employee friends KNOW). Also it's not like he can do anything about it. Also typing that just made me cry, again. So sick of the fucking crying.
7. Much as I'd freaking love to try the "36 Questions" thing (another suggestion I've read), good god, how the hell do you ask someone to say that? So obviously transparent, and some of those questions are weird, and the "stare at each other for 4 minutes afterwards" bit is kinda shot now anyway.
8. I'd love to talk to him, I think he wants to do the same with me, but what the hell do we say any more? Words have to happen now. Can't just like, vibe in each other's presence at the bar any more or ever again. If you can't talk, then nothing happens.
9. Oh, right, I may never be able to see him again anyway because all humans are now walking virus (though let's face it, he's far more likely to be walking virus than me now), so what's the fucking point of trying? Might as well let it go.
10. I think I should let it go. This is stupid and crazy and pointless, any sane person would advise me to Move On, I would advise me to Move On, anyone who's not good at taking initiative probably doesn't actually care about you, etc, etc.
11. I don't want to. Life is depressing enough as is, I still want to see if/where this goes and want to figure out what the fuck this is between us anyway (I hate to mutter "twin flame crap" under my breath, but it's kinda there and those words are stalking me across YouTube now because that comes up in virtually everything, damn algorithms), and I miss him. I miss talking to him, hearing him sing, hearing him do silly voices and goof off, talking with him about random television or whatever, and especially hugging.
And there's the crying again.
12. This is when I go watch another Pick-A-Card reading so I can feel better and less insane and see if I can figure out what's going on.
I watch them trying to figure out if it's over or not. Consistently the videos all say no, someday it will happen, it is worth waiting for), if it's meant to be (yes yes yes, also consistently, including a "If they loved you, they still do" card coming up, which helps), and whether or not I'll hear from him or if I have to contact him because he's dying to hear from me and can't do it himself. This last one is about 50/50. Some say he'll get up the nerve and I'll hear from him soon to soonish, or that I should back off and let him do it because he's about ready and he's tired of waiting around, or that I should let him do it because he needs to man up already (that's not how they phrase it but seems to be where they are getting at). This one (deck 2) is pretty much a mix of all the damn things, between "time to act" vs "kinda find something else to do with your life," (BELIEVE ME, I FREAKING DO). This one literally has a "Reach Out" card and "Spirit is asking someone to take the lead. Who, Spirit? Not you.. Spirit is guiding them to be more assertive." On the one hand, yeah, I think that would be good for him to do. On the other hand, yeah RIGHT, when is that fucking happening? Not during quarantine, at least. No reason to. No excuse to.
Other readings are all, they may want to, but they aren't going to because they are completely brain dead and don't know how to. they're too afraid, can only figure it out in groups but have problems reaching out one on one, etc. To which I am all, that sounds right, but then we're back to "what do I say," again.
Here Without You is the soundtrack of the night.