Chaos Attraction

I'm Over Meditation

2021-06-06, 10:21 p.m.

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Collage group today, with Val joining us. She didn't say much. Mostly people talking about their new plans and my keeping my mouth shut. Jade did a meditation about finding a picnic basket and what's inside? My basket was empty. You know what, I think I hate guided meditation. It's not any psychic insight from elsewhere, it's my own brain making up bullshit crap and lies. I don't want to lie to myself any more. There's nothing in the basket. There's no gifts to me inside. There's no hope for me inside.

Everyone was talking about feeling the feelings that you want to feel in the future. But what if you don't know what you would feel if you got it, I said. Imagine something similar, they said. I just don't want to "imagine" right now. I want reality, not delusion.

My foot is about the same. Still swollen. Rash is still there but at least appears to have dried up. Swelling hasn't gotten any worse and doesn't feel like it has a fever, anyway.

Anyway, I couldn't do much with the rest of my day but sit and knit for a bit. I finished the rest of the Easter eggs. I worked more on the yarn bomb. Read books. Discovered two new podcasts on trashy celebrity stories. (Congratulations, Harry and Meghan! Lilibet Diana is a very cute name.) My big excitement for the day was driving through the drive-thru for KFC. So there's that on the pandemic agoraphobia bingo. God, that junk food was GOOD.

Rehearsals run Mondays and Tuesdays for the next three weeks (sigh), but at least not starting until 7:30. So there's something, karaoke-wise, at least.

I seriously have nothing else to say in this journal any more.


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