Chaos Attraction

Optimism

2022-06-07, 10:10 p.m.

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Cast list as of November 2019

Up since 3 a.m. again. I guess this worked out because the upstairs neighbors spent an hour making some kind of construction(?) racket between 5-6 a.m. Fuckers.

My dentist appointment was painless. Nice lady, they didn't X-ray me, they didn't blood pressure me (because these days I fail that). Huzzah! It was all very pleasant.

At work, I did yet more emails. I also filled out my evaluation, which I literally copied and pasted from last year and maybe changed a few sentences, because I do literally the same shit all the time and I am going to get all 1's so what is the point. At least it's done and they don't even ask me to follow up on my (pointless) goals any more.

It's Big Event Weekend this weekend and they are begging people to volunteer to work at it. You can get a free grab n' go breakfast! And grab n' go lunch! And a T-shirt! This has not sold too many people, apparently, so they are now trying to bribe GiantOrg employees with extra pay if they are hourly and if they are not, bribed with a day off. Frankly, since Big Event Weekend is something I would want to avoid for a ton of reasons (covid, size, having to be there at 4:45 a.m., dealing with drunks, and the fact that they reconfigured everything to MAKE IT EVEN BIGGER and the biggest ones are being held out of town), I can't conceive of what they could offer me to make me want to do it, short of oh, a million dollars.

In other news, a scientist guy chewed out the CEO of GiantOrg for his "four day head cold" remark on Twitter and the newspaper (and another scientist guy wrote an op-ed complaining about this). The first guy got a personal apology from the CEO and to tell Twitter that he apologized. Though y'know, CEO could just...tweet an apology or write an op-ed apologizing himself, perhaps? I don't see that he did that. Hmmmmm.

Rae does not get to go to Pride this weekend, given her exposure. Ummmm, yeah.

Therapy: Over the weekend (well, Friday) I bought a book on manifestation and made myself read it Saturday. I am trying to buy into the whole "feel like you already have it, at least to make yourself happier" sort of thing, and this book also focused on the reasons why you were more likely to get what you wanted, keep yourself in a state of neutrality rather than realism/despair, etc.

Today I told my therapist I am trying to be more optimistic with regards to hopefully finding somebody who wants to be with me someday (whether it's Scott or the imaginary Entrepreneur Guy or whoever) and she was all "don't I already say that?" and I was all "seriously helps if I read it in a book, also this book I got points out that you should focus on the reasons why it could happen and what is going for you on this topic." She got on me for saying "trying to" and said I should say I'm doing it. I think it's a little early to make that judgment call since my optimism in life fizzles every Monday morning, but I get the point. The goal is something like, "I want to be loved, but especially in a romantic relationship again."

Also regarding you-know-who: "You know but you don't know because he's so damn ambiguous." Yup. Also: "This is challenging and it's making you stay in the game, which is huge. Usually you would bail. Because of him, you are learning things that otherwise you would push yourself to do."

She asked me what I wanted and I started out with saying that I wanted to know that this was right--and she was all "You didn't start out with you want to be happy in a relationship?" "Well, that too," I said, "but also I want all of these signs to be right. I want this all to mean something." She said I should write a book and I said "if this ever has a happy ending, I WILL write a book. I have been taking notes for years. But if this fizzles out and we just remain friends and/or drift off and I remain single for the rest of my life, then there's no story to write. If I end up with someone else, that's a different story."

I went to karaoke tonight--quieter than the last night, but some friends were there. Some dad and his kids sang the most. The dad did "Poker Face," I note. I will also note that I heard the following that night: (a) About the worst karaoke song I ever heard, "Mary, Did You Know." Very dreary, and also, in June?! (Sorry, karaoke dad.) (b) Some guy who decided to do the easiest karaoke song in the world, "Tequila," except he yelled "Fireball" instead. (c) One of the dad's kids asked what the hardest karaoke song was. Jim has decided it's "Dream On," presumably for the end screaming.

In other news, I wore a red dress over and Jim sang "Lady in Red" to me. Awww, that's sweet. I did "Circus," "Call Me Maybe," and "Careless Whisper," all C songs.


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