Chaos Attraction

Mom's Boyfriend Shows Me A N@ked Picture

2019-06-08, 9:32 p.m.

I drove down to the Bay Area today to see “School of Rock,” The Musical. I haven’t gotten around to seeing the movie as yet because I am lazy, but apparently this musical is, NO JOKE, written by fucking Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber and Julian “Downton Abbey” Fellowes. Two Very English Dudes, writing a Jack Black musical? The mind boggles.

Anyway, it’s a fun musical (and they have Andrew Lloyd Webber announce at the start that yes, the kids do legit play instruments), but it really does freaking just channel Jack Black and at times you are all, “I know it’s people in movies just being dumb, but how was he not fired on day one? Or not having the principal wring his neck?” The kids were having a great time though.

This time at the theater they had several pre-show activities going on: a “musical instrument petting zoo” where you could try some out if you were a kid, free bracelets and fake tattoos (the guy handing ours out had his on his forehead and said he’d be taking it off for his next job tomorrow), and free hairstyling but that line was long. They also had a “talk back” afterwards with kids from the show talking about how long they’d been on tour, how schooling works, how long it took them to get into the show (over a year in some cases), how early they started, etc. Oh, how I kinda wish. Some small child behind me was whispering, “I wanna do THAT.” I hear ya, kid. I hope you start earlier and have some actual talent, because I know how it goes when you don’t.

In other news, Mom invited Roger to dinner again and it was a fucking delight. Let me see if I can cover it all:

* He told me that a few days ago he wanted to go out for milkshakes. He usually gets vanilla, was feeling tired of it but was stumped on ideas as to what else to get, so he told Mom to pick. She continued to try to figure out what he wanted about six different times and then chose vanilla. I explained to him that when you deal with people who are difficult to feed (for example, certain friends and oh, DAD), you learn to be more amenable to what others want and know better than to suggest anything, and you will remain in this habit no matter who you are dealing with. It may tell you something that in the last two years he says this is the most annoyed he ever got with Mom. Amusingly enough, when I was talking about this issue coming up with Dad--for example, Dad and Mom really like(d) this diner called Nations and I never thought any food I ate there ever tasted good (it’s all burnt), Roger said he didn’t like it either. Woot.

* He offered to text me a naked picture of ten years old in a swimming pool from the waist up. Yes, this was in front of Mom, who I believe was in on the joke.

* Dude is a nuclear physicist with a ton of security clearances and yet he compares himself to Forrest Gump and says he’s not real bright. Y’all, when a fucking NUCLEAR PHYSICIST says he’s not real bright, WE ALL HAVE A DUMB COMPLEX. I am mentioning this to my boss the next time she tells me not to say I’m dumb. (Most recent one from her was saying that since I attended my alma mater, I can do anything. Har, I wish.) He also said again that he thinks my mom could do better and I pointed out to him that, well....there are very few good guys out there to date and when those guys don’t like you, well...that’s all I have to say about that.

* Mom and I got “School of Rock” fake tattoos and Roger noticed it, which brought up the idea of him thinking she should get a butterfly tattoo. Mom at this point starts nudging/half-kicking me under the table and I start laughing and being all “you have NO IDEA.” (Note: after this she told me she lost the fake tattoos I got her and to get her some more...and then she found them again after I bought her more. I’m saving the darned things for when she loses them again.)

* He noted that Mom is atypically quiet when the three of us are together, and he posited that maybe it’s because we razz her so much. Maybe. Or that it just changes the dynamic when there are two people who know her well. We also discussed her being prim and proper in public and whether or not she was nudging him. I pointed out that he was showing me a naked pic today and he was all, “You watch your mouth, young lady!”

* He told us a story about how his son loved riding on the escalator and women loved it when he was doing that, causing him to say “I felt like a pimp,” and his wife at the time to say “You’re pimping our son!”

* Speaking of said son, said son put on an event and met Jerry Brown. I never thought I’d have to deal with sibling rivalry issues as an only child, especially when I literally do not ever see or talk to the guy.

* Here’s an odd one: he brought up his so-called friend Sara, who is vaguely described as some jet-setting escort/I’m guessing dominatrix or other who had some kind of hinted-at government spy training that he met in D.C. when they were staying at the same hotel. Supposedly she’s a lot younger, he has never availed himself of her services, and they hang out when she’s in California and she wants to meet Mom.

I would like to mention that earlier in the day she wanted me to text Roger for her while she drove and thus I found an amusing illicit text mentioning Sara. I will tactfully not repeat what it said, but I was curious when the name was brought up.

He supposedly gave us her name to Google for her, but nothing really came up. “You might find more than just the Internet. You have all the clues,” he said, and called Sara a “mental advisor.” Mom thinks he’s just making it all up.

Anyway, a delightful evening was had by all and I was very amused.

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